PDA: When “No” Is a Survival Reflex - Pathological Demand Avoidance
- hmotro
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
It's hard to watch your child throw a fit.
It can make you feel helpless.
And leave you wondering what's really happening.
Your child isn’t being bad.
They’re overwhelmed.
With a hijacked nervous system.
This has a name.
It’s called PDA.
Another (better) name is Persistent Drive for Autonomy.
Here’s the formula:
Anxiety + Loss of Control = Avoidance.
This is often confused for oppositional personality.
But it is very different.
Rather than trying to oppose something external,
It’s a stress response to something inside.
It’s a body trying to protect itself.
Here’s what that looks like:
Some kids don’t just resist.
They panic.
The ask feels like a trap, not a task.
Their body goes into fight, flight, or freeze.
They want to comply—but can’t.
You say, “Put on your shoes.”
They scream.
They cry.
They run.
They collapse.
It's not defiance.
Not manipulation.
Not a discipline problem.
It’s a nervous system in lockdown.
The demand flips the switch.
Even when they want to say yes.
They smile.
They joke.
They stall.
They vanish.
They say, “I’ll do it later.”
Then avoid for days.
Inside?
Panic and pressure.
A body trying to escape.
They want to help.
They want to connect.
But the pressure flips a switch.
Self-control becomes oxygen.
Demands feel like suffocation.
That’s why rewards don’t work.
Consequences don’t either.
They increase panic.
They fuel power struggles.
What works for kids?
Options.
Play.
Low-pressure tone.
Lots of choice.
Say, “Want to race to the car?”
Say, “What’s your plan for teeth?”
Invite, don’t insist.
Partner, don’t push.
Same goes for couples. One partner asks.
The other shuts down.
Again.
Not because they don’t care—
but because the ask triggers panic.
It lands as control, not connection.
“I need you” can feel like “You must.”
That’s why the "how" matters.
Start with emotional safety.
Use a low-stakes tone.
Offer options, not ultimatums.
Say, “Would now or later work better?”
Say, “How can I support you on this?”
Agree on code words.
Pause when panic shows up.
Make room for repair—
not reaction.
When couples shift the way they ask,
they shift the entire dynamic.
Wondering If This Fits You?
PDA in adults can be hard to see from the inside.
It often gets mislabeled as depression, avoidance, ADHD, even personality flaws.
But there’s a screener built just for this.
It’s free, quick, and gives real insight into whether this profile might be part of your story.
If the results hit home, you can talk to our PDA guru, Rachel Wheeler.
With Rachel, there’s no shame.
Just tools.
Just safety.
Just support that actually works.
If meltdowns are daily…
If shutdowns keep happening…
If “lazy” doesn’t sit right…
It’s not defiance.
It’s Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA)!
Reach out today and request Rachel.
Harry Motro
Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center
© 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers.
Specialties
PDA
AuDHD, ADHD, Autism,
Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse),
Neurodiverse Couples,
Life Experience
Parents a highly sensitive, neurodivergent child while unmasking her own PDA and AuDHD identity. She brings real-world empathy to families navigating both self-discovery and support.
Navigates a neurodiverse marriage built on friendship, transformed by diagnosis and mutual understanding. Sixteen years in, Rachel and her partner have reshaped their relationship through clarity, accommodation, and compassion.
Lived the cost of camouflaging—now helps others unlearn it safely. Rachel guides clients toward authenticity without sacrificing safety or identity.
Grounds her therapy work in lived neurodivergence, not just education.Her insight comes from walking the same path as the people she supports.
Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #126649,
Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452
Want to learn more about yourself?
Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment, and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started!
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