When Focus Becomes a Fight in Neurodiverse Relationships
- hmotro
- Nov 29
- 4 min read
Hyperfixation
Where has your attention camped out lately?
Does it feed you? Or drain you?
Neurodivergent attention is powerful.
It can deepen skill, meaning, and wellbeing when it’s intrinsically driven.
It can also snag and exhaust you when it narrows too hard and won’t let go.
Here’s the difference.
What each term means:
Monotropism = the wiring. It’s a tendency to allocate attention to a small number of streams at a time. Neutral by itself. It can fuel flow or create stuckness depending on context and supports.
Special interest = healthy Monotropism. Long-term, intrinsically motivated, values-aligned. You can pause it when needed. It usually energizes and leads to creation, sharing, or skill building.
Hyperfixation = hijacked Monotropism.Short-term or episodic, compulsion-driven, relief/certainty-seeking. Hard to stop even when it’s costing you. It usually dysregulates and pushes endless intake or looping.
On the outside they can look identical.
Inside they feel opposite.
Special interests ground you and spark output.
Hyperfixations push for going deeper while basic needs and relationships get sidelined.
How special interests can help your relationship:
They create shared rituals and admiration when the allistic partner engages with curiosity.
They buffer stress, fuel competence, and can become “us” projects with gentle structure.
How hyperfixation can harm your relationship:
It amplifies missed bids for connection. It can crowd out sleep, chores, finances, intimacy, and co-parenting rhythms.
Partners read the withdrawal as disinterest rather than dysregulation—and resentment spikes.
A useful lens
Monotropism explains why attention locks on.
Sometimes it’s adaptive.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming.
Seeing the pattern reduces blame and guides supports that can protect the couple.
Gentle steps for JUST YOU (shift yourself first)
✔️ Flag it yourself: “I’m getting pulled in—give me 5 minutes to land the plane,” then actually land the plane.
✔️ Name the state, not the story. “One sentence: I’m flooded and chasing certainty; I want to reconnect.”
✔️ Two-sentence bridge: “10-second headline of what I’m stuck on” → “I’m choosing us now.”
✔️ Micro-downshift: 60–90 seconds: breathe, stand, water, quick stretch—then turn to your partner.
✔️ Timebox + return: Set a 20–40 min focus block; return at the exact minute and say, “I’m back.”
COUPLES experiments (protect connection while focus exists)
✔️ On-ramp script ND partner: “I feel the pull. Five minutes to land the plane, then I’m with you.” Partner: “Got it.”
✔️ Off-ramp script ND partner: “I’m back. Quick reconnect now or do you need five first?” Partner chooses.
✔️ 30–30–30 micro-loop 30s share (ND) → 30s reflect (non-ND) → 30s plan (one tiny step each).
✔️ Bid + boundary Non-ND: “I’m asking for 10 minutes now; if not, let’s book 7:30.” ND picks one.
✔️ Repair quickie If late: “I broke our agreement—sorry. New offer: 10 minutes now or 7:45?”
Want a quick self-check?Take our short screener and learn about your attention style: Start the Monotropism Screener
Want to go deeper on special interests?
None of this is magic.All of it is workable.
Ready to work on this in therapy?
Harry Motro
Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center
© 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers.
Specialties
· Neurodiverse Couples Counseling
· ADHD & Autism Relationship Coaching
· Emotional Regulation
· Executive Functioning Support
· Complex Parenting Challenges
· Multicultural & Intercultural Relationships
· LGBTQIA+, Poly & Kink-Affirming
· Identity & Self-Exploration
Life Experience
Lived Experience as AuDHD and in a Neurodiverse Relationship – Navigated firsthand the challenges of differing communication styles, sensory needs, and emotional processing.
Bridging the Gap Between Neurotypes – Learned how to shift from misinterpretation and frustration to mutual understanding and connection.
From Isolation to Communication – Overcame years of feeling unseen by developing relationship strategies that work for both partners, not just one.
Reframing Love & Connection – Discovered that love isn’t always verbal—it can be expressed through small, meaningful actions.
Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #151193,
Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452
Want to learn more about yourself?
Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment, and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started!
References
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Cleveland Clinic. (2024, September 30). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): What it is. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy-act-therapy
Grove, R., Hoekstra, R. A., Wierda, M., & Begeer, S. (2018). Special interests and subjective wellbeing in autistic adults. Autism Research, 11(5), 766–775. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/aur.1931
Healthline. (2023, November 8). Special interest vs. hyperfixation: Differences and resources. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/special-interest-vs-hyperfixation
IFS Institute. (n.d.). The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model outline. https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/internal-family-systems-model-outline
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Russell, G., Kapp, S. K., Elliott, D., Elphick, C., Gwernan-Jones, R., & Owens, C. (2019). Mapping the autistic advantage from the accounts of adults diagnosed with autism: A qualitative study. Autism in Adulthood, 1(2), 124–133. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6493410/
Simply Psychology. (2025, April 22). Autistic special interests vs ADHD hyperfixations. https://www.simplypsychology.org/autistic-special-interests-vs-adhd-hyperfixations.html
Taubin, D. Z., Levant, B., & Zeides, D. (2024). Depressive symptoms and quality of life among women partnered with adults with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders. Advance online publication. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/10870547241280607
TIME. (2025, April 14). What a hyperfixation really is.https://time.com/7276835/hyperfixating-focus-autism-adhd-neurodivergent/