First, it is important to understand the different types of empathy. Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman break down the concept of empathy into three categories:

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy makes us better communicators, because it helps us relay information in a way that best reaches the other person.

Emotional empathy (also known as affective empathy) is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Some have described it as "your pain in my heart."

Compassionate empathy (also known as empathic concern) goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action, to help however we can.

The AS partner may struggle at emotional empathy but, with the right context, be great at cognitive and compassionate empathy. Your therapist can help expand your view of empathy and rethink how empathy can be given and received, thus creating a deeper connection in your relationship.

WHAT:

Integrated Neurodiverse Therapy is when you have a couple's therapist plus a separate individual therapist to support each partner. We should emphasize that all of your therapists or neurodiverse coaches should be well trained in neurodiversity and regularly coordinate with each other (with your permission of coarse).

Our team approach makes this coordination easy to pull off. With the integrated therapy approach, each person can focus on growing individually so he/she can show up in the relationship in a healthy way.

INVESTMENT:

We realize that this requires a significant initial investment in therapy; however, our experience is that it significantly increases the effectiveness of therapy and most couples find that the integrated approach is well worth it.

HOW TO GET STARTED:

We recommend that you start with couples therapy. At your first session, your couples therapist will help assess whether integrated therapy makes sense for you and, if so, can connect you to the right support team.

Most of our clients do NOT seek to receive a diagnosis, nor do we find much benefit in providing one. It is much more effective to treat whatever unique characteristics which present themselves and avoid the negative effects of labeling and having a fixed mindset.

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On the other hand, it can be INCREDIBLY helpful to receive a diagnosis if it can help a couple reinterpret behaviors as a way of experiencing the world as opposed to a sign of bad intent.

You can read more about getting a diagnosis on our ASD Diagnosis page.

We certainly hope not.

We believe in a strengths-based model which focuses on perspective-taking and determining how to best provide resources to all of our clients including those who are considered neurodiverse.

It is not that the neurodiverse individual is broken; it is that partners and society in general need help to connect and be inclusive.

Our goal is to provide hope, resources and guidance for neurodiverse individuals and their partners to utilize their unique gifts to build a fulfilling relationship.

We are very careful when using labels as they can be experienced as an attack and/or create damaging shame. With that said, individuals on the spectrum are often wrongly labeled as narcissistic.

The need to be right and to correct others can be a reflection of black and white thinking (think autism). This is contrasted to a need to put others down and the need to be elevated in stature over others (think narcissism). Your therapist can help make the nuanced distinction so both you and your partner can get a clear picture of what is happening in your relationship.

This may or may not be true.

People on the spectrum often expend most of their energy managing their way through an emotionally confusing world. The gap between their understanding of the world and that of many of the people around them can be extremely frustrating.

At some point, it becomes too much and leads to a melt-down (anger) and then withdrawal. Thus, the Aspie's anger may be a result of the underlying neuro-differences so it is often most helpful to address those neuro-differences to take some steam out of the anger prior to addressing the anger directly.

On the other hand, anger is a natural part of many relationships which can escalate to unhealthy levels. Talk to your therapist or coach to better understand it's origin and set a clear plan to address it together.

Absolutely.

You are describing "alexithymia" which is a deficit in the ability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one's self. The Aspie partner HAS the feelings and thoughts but just struggles to express them.

This is where therapy can help tremendously. We slow communication down to give time and space to let the feelings and thoughts arise, without the usual pressure to come up with something.

We also help you find alternate ways to express feelings and thoughts such as in writing, through music, poems, movies, and other create means.

First, we understand that you are trying to help but the attitude of fixing your partner will most likely backfire on meeting your goals.

What your statement of your partner not understanding you is a reflection of a problem with "theory of mind". Theory of mind is an important social-cognitive skill that involves the ability to think about mental states, both your own and those of others. It encompasses the ability to think about someone else's emotions, desires, beliefs, and knowledge.

But the problem is not just the autistic partner. It goes both ways. The neurotypical (NT) needs to learn to understand the autistic mind. And the autistic needs to learn to understand the NT mind.

By shifting from being critical to being curious and compassionate as you try to understand each other, your therapist will be able to address the theory of mind problem.

It is common to have two partners on the spectrum.

In such cases, the therapy is very different than an autistic/NT pairing. In the autistic/autistic pairing, the main problem may not be emotional disconnect but rather an inability to negotiate matters of daily life such as chore sharing, parenting, dealing with in-laws, money, and sex. Leading completely separately lives may be part of the couple's pattern due to repeated failures when trying to work together.

Your therapist or coach will be able to act as an interpreter to help you understand each other and provide concrete strategies to experiment with to allow change to take hold.