What It Feels Like​

This isn’t your average "I don’t wanna." PDA kicks in fast and hard when autonomy feels out of reach. One moment you’re fine—the next, you're spiraling because someone asked you to book a dentist appointment. You might joke your way out of it. Freeze. Lash out. Or completely shut down.

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It’s often described as feeling trapped in your own body—wanting to do the thing but feeling physically blocked from moving forward. Internally, there’s a battle between intention and panic. On the outside, it can look like avoidance, procrastination, or even manipulation. But inside? It’s sheer overwhelm.

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Real Research. Real Relief.​

First described by Elizabeth Newson in the 1980’s, PDA is now recognized as a common autism/ADHD profile. Studies show it’s tied to chronic anxiety and a hair-trigger response to control loss—not laziness or bad attitude.

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A 2024 study out of Ireland summed it up: people with PDA often feel misunderstood, emotionally raw, and finally seen when someone puts the right name to it.

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Neuroimaging studies also point to heightened amygdala activity in those with PDA profiles—meaning the brain is primed to interpret demands as danger. Understanding this neurologically can be the first step to replacing shame with compassion.

 

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PDA in Adult Life

Deadlines feel like traps. Even small tasks can trigger panic. You might avoid work, people, or even fun plans—just to dodge the pressure of expectations. Others may label you dramatic or controlling. But what they don’t see is the fear underneath.

 

Adulting with PDA often means you're over-apologizing, under-delivering, and emotionally spent. You may want to achieve—but burn out trying to meet invisible expectations. It can impact career stability, daily life management, and even how you treat yourself. The constant self-talk is brutal: "Why can't I just do it?"

 

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When Love Meets PDA

Relationships? Full of micro-demands. “Can you grab groceries?” “Let’s talk later.”

If you’ve got PDA, these little asks can feel like an ambush. You might get angry, shut down, run away, or start a fight—just to escape the feeling of pressure.

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Meanwhile, your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells. The result? Misunderstandings. Mistrust. Meltdowns.

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But love and PDA can coexist. It just takes rewiring the way you communicate, make decisions, and share responsibilities. PDA doesn't mean you're unwilling to connect. It means you need to do it on your own terms.

 

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Everyday Landmines

Quick schedule changes. Being told what to do. Feeling trapped in a long meeting. Even a friendly reminder can light the fuse.

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Other common triggers include public accountability, social pressure, and being observed while performing a task. Even internal expectations—"I should be able to handle this"—can act as demands that overwhelm the system.

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Recognizing these landmines early allows for more control, choice, and recovery.

 

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If You’re the One with PDA

Start by naming your anxiety before you name the task. Shift from pressure to options. Build in low-demand days. And don’t punish yourself for needing more autonomy. That’s your nervous system doing its job—it just needs better instructions.

 

Start using scripts like, “I want to do this, but I’m not ready yet.” Build trust with yourself. Track what kinds of asks shut you down and which ones give you energy. Therapy focused on co-regulation and internal parts work can help you gently renegotiate your relationship with demands.

 

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If You Love Someone with PDA

It’s not about walking on eggshells—it’s about working as a team. Use short texts instead of sudden verbal asks. Create shared language for “I’m overloaded.” Give each other pockets of total control.

 

Avoid power struggles. Emphasize collaboration over correction. And when possible, allow your partner to say no without consequence. Supporting someone with PDA isn’t about letting them avoid everything—it’s about creating safety so they want to re-engage.

 

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Curious if PDA Fits You or Your Partner?

Take our free PDA Self-Discovery Screener. It’s a quick, private way to explore whether this profile resonates:

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Start the Screener

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You’ll get immediate feedback and a clearer sense of whether PDA might be part of your neurodivergent experience. It’s a first step—and one that can bring serious clarity.

 

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What We Do Differently

Our approach is low-pressure, neuroaffirming, and tailored to PDA needs. We help you and your partner:

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• Spot the triggers before they explode

• Communicate without causing shutdowns

• Set up systems that work with your wiring, not against it

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We also offer personalized plans that prioritize autonomy, integrate trauma-informed strategies, and help both partners feel empowered. This isn’t behavior management. It’s nervous system support, relational healing, and whole-person therapy.

 

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Looking for a Therapist Who Truly Understands PDA? ​

Rachel Wheeler brings a rare mix of clinical expertise, deep insight, and steady calm to her work with PDA clients and couples. She doesn’t just treat symptoms—she helps you unpack what’s really going on beneath the shutdowns, the resistance, and the fear of losing control.

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If you or your partner are navigating PDA, Rachel is someone who can guide you without pushing, help you rebuild connection without shame, and show you how to live with more choice and less overwhelm.

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👉 Check out her bio and if it resonates, just fill out the contact form and request Rachel by name. We’ll take it from there.