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The Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program

 

An introduction to sex therapy, and a companion to it, for couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. Each module walks you through what tends to happen in one session, and then gives the two of you something to do after it. Nothing sexual happens in a session: it is all talk. Anything you try at home happens only if you both agree to it, at the pace of whichever of you needs it slower. Nothing here needs an account, and nothing you write leaves your own device.

 

24 of 24 modules are published and readable now. Any others are listed by name so you can see the whole shape of the program before you start it.

 

There is a short video at the top of this page. What The Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program is, who it is for, and what its six parts cover. It runs about 5 minutes.

 

How to read it

 

A framework, not a script. Each module describes one way a session can go. Every therapist at our center is an experienced clinician with their own way of working, and yours will shape each session to the two of you: changing the order, spending longer on some steps, skipping others, or trying something different. Use the modules to know roughly what to expect, not as a checklist your sessions have to follow.

 

Parts One to Four run in order and each assumes the ones before it: starting the conversation, how your two brains shape sex, asking, answering and planning, and touch, one step at a time. Part Five does not: it is a shelf of the things that most often bring couples to sex therapy (Low Desire; When One of You Wants It More; Erections and Performance Anxiety; Pain During Sex; Porn and Secrecy; Body Image; Perimenopause and Menopause), and you take the ones that are about your life. Where the body may be part of it, we ask you to see a doctor as well. Part Six is about making it yours. You do not have to be in therapy to use any of it.

 

Part One - Starting the Conversation

 

1A — Your First Sex Therapy Session

 

What to expect, and what never happens, when you first talk about sex. Read Your First Sex Therapy Session

 

1B — Talking About Talking About Sex

 

Make the subject sayable before you try to solve anything. Read Talking About Talking About Sex

 

1C — What Sex Is For, for Each of You

 

Hear what sex means to your partner, without a verdict. Read What Sex Is For, for Each of You

 

Part Two - How Your Brains Shape Sex

 

2A — How Neurodivergence Shapes Sex

 

Name what gets in the way, without blaming either of you. Read How Neurodivergence Shapes Sex

 

2B — Your Sensory Map

 

Make the room fit both of your bodies. Read Your Sensory Map

 

2C — Energy, Masking, and the Onramp

 

Save some energy for each other, and time to arrive. Read Energy, Masking, and the Onramp

 

2D — When “No” Lands Hard

 

Make it safe to ask, and safe to say no. Read When “No” Lands Hard

 

2E — Orientation, Identity, and Desire

 

Start from who you each are, not from the usual script. Read Orientation, Identity, and Desire

 

Part Three - Asking, Answering, and Planning

 

3A — Saying It Plainly

 

Plain words you agree on, so nobody has to guess. Read Saying It Plainly

 

3B — Yes, No, Maybe

 

Find what you both want, with nobody talked into anything. Read Yes, No, Maybe

 

3C — The Daily Check-In

 

Six numbers a day, so neither of you has to guess. Read The Daily Check-In

 

3D — Asking and Answering

 

Make it easy to ask, and safe to give any answer. Read Asking and Answering

 

3E — Scheduling Intimacy

 

Keep a time for each other, with no promise attached. Read Scheduling Intimacy

 

Part Four - Touch, Step by Step

 

4A — Sensate Focus, One Step at a Time

 

Find your way back to touch, with nothing to prove. Read Sensate Focus, One Step at a Time

 

4B — Brakes and Accelerators

 

Ease what switches desire off before adding anything new. Read Brakes and Accelerators

 

4C — Aftercare and Repair

 

Make the minutes after feel as safe as the rest. Read Aftercare and Repair

 

Part Five - When Something Is Wrong

 

5A — Low Desire

 

Find what is lowering desire, without blaming either of you. Read Low Desire

 

5B — When One of You Wants It More

 

Plan for the desire you each have, not the one you expected. Read When One of You Wants It More

 

5C — Erections and Performance Anxiety

 

Step out of the worry loop around sex, together. Read Erections and Performance Anxiety

 

5D — Pain During Sex

 

Stop pushing through pain, and find help together. Read Pain During Sex

 

5E — Porn and Secrecy

 

Talk about porn without shame, blame or hiding. Read Porn and Secrecy

 

5F — Body Image

 

Spend less of sex watching yourself, and more of it feeling. Read Body Image

 

5G — Perimenopause and Menopause

 

Work out the new rules for sex, together. Read Perimenopause and Menopause

 

Part Six - Making It Yours

 

6A — Designing Your Own Relationship

 

Keep what fits you both, and plan for the slips. Read Designing Your Own Relationship

 

Working with us

 

The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD, including on sex, desire and touch. Everything described in these modules is part of how we work, shaped by your therapist to the two of you. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team.

 

Acknowledgments

 

The Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program was compiled by, and written under the direction of, Harry Motro, LMFT, founder and clinical director of the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. It represents the input of the whole clinical team. Every session it describes is one the center’s therapists run, in the way they run it, and the program exists because they were willing to say, in detail, what they actually do in the room.

 

The clinical team. Our deepest thanks go to the therapists of the center. Their sessions are what these modules describe. Their worksheets, refined over thousands of hours with neurodiverse couples, are what the modules draw on: the Yes / No / Maybe Inventory, the Sensory Map, the Daily Check-In Tracker, the Scheduled Intimacy Agreement, Brakes and Accelerators, the Aftercare Plan, the Designer Relationship worksheet, and many others. Where a module says “we,” it means them. Meet the team.

 

The couples. And to the couples. Everything here that is true was learned from people who sat in the room, tried it, told us when it did not work, and came back the next week. Nobody’s story is in these pages. Everybody’s is.

 

The research. Each module lists its sources, with what each one can and cannot support, at the foot of its page. Across the program, the work we lean on, and are grateful for:

 

 

We have tried to say what each study shows and no more. Where the program goes past the evidence, the module says so.

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