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Module 3 — What Sex Is For, for Each of You
Hear what sex means to your partner, without a verdict.
Watch first: the Module 3 video
A narrated video of about 4 minutes in a layered paper-cutout style that opens and closes on the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center logo. It explores what sex is for, for each partner: cards for “Closeness,” “Stress Relief” and “Quiet Connection,” overlapping circles for sex drive, romantic love and the long-term bond, a “Societal Rules” collage, and circles moving from “Two Pictures” to “Shared Ground.” Couples appear at home and in video-call sessions with the therapist on a laptop, along with a “Sexual Beliefs Audit” checklist.
Watch the Module 3 video: What Sex Is For, for Each of You (MP4, about 4 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full.
One of you may reach for sex to feel close. The other may reach for it to unwind, or hardly reach for it at all and still feel deeply bonded. Many couples have never said out loud what sex is for, and each quietly assumes the other wants the same thing.
What sex means to each of you
Summary: what usually happens in the session
1 You each say what sex is for, for you. In your own words, with no right answer.
2 Your therapist describes three separate pulls. Sex drive, romantic love and the long-term bond, which can move apart.
3 You each name what brings you to sex. Sensation on your own terms, comfort, or play together.
4 You talk about what makes it safe enough to play. What helps each of you relax, and what puts you on guard.
5 You talk about where your ideas about sex came from. Family, culture, faith, friends, media, and years of masking.
6 You name what you share and where you differ. The overlap is your footing. The differences are the real conversation.
One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.
Step 1. You each say what sex is for, for you
Most people were not taught how to talk about what sex means to them. So your therapist often starts with one simple question, and asks each of you in turn.
Answers vary a great deal. Feeling close. Feeling wanted. Release after a long day. Fun. Comfort. Some people say they are not sure, or that sex has mostly felt like an obligation. All of these are useful answers. You can write yours down first and read it out if that is easier.
The opening question. What is sex for, for you? Not what it is supposed to be. What it actually is, or what you would like it to be.
Curious, not right. There are no perfect words here, and your partner’s answer is not a correction of yours. Many couples are surprised by what they hear in these first few minutes.
Step 2. Your therapist describes three separate pulls
Researchers who study love describe three largely separate brain systems that draw people together.1 Sex drive is the wish for sexual contact and release. Romantic love is the “in love” pull toward one person. Attachment is the long-term bond, the sense of “we”.
They are only partly connected. You can feel one without the others. A partner whose sex drive is low can still love you and feel deeply bonded. A partner with a strong drive is not necessarily asking for more love. Most long relationships draw on all three, in amounts that shift over the years.
The levels are only an example. They shift with health, stress and life stage, so the same person can look different a year from now.
In the figure: Three separate pulls drawn as three channels on a mixing desk: sex drive (wanting sexual contact and release), romantic love (the in-love pull toward one person) and attachment (the long-term bond). Each partner has a slider on each channel. In the example, Partner A's sex drive is low and attachment high; Partner B's are both high.
If a drive has changed suddenly, your therapist may suggest a medical check as well, alongside therapy. Hormones, medications, sleep and health can all play a part, and Low Desire looks at this in detail.
Three pulls. Which of these feels strongest for you right now? Has that changed since you first met?
Step 3. You each name what brings you to sex
Your therapist may describe three reasons people come to sex. The couples therapist Sue Johnson calls them sealed-off, solace and synchrony.2 In plain words: sex on your own terms, sex for comfort, and sex as play together.
Most people move between all three over a week or a year, and a couple can be in different rows on the same night.
In the figure: Why people come to sex: on your own terms (sealed-off), for comfort (solace), or to play together (synchrony). Playing together needs enough safety to take risks with each other. None of the three is wrong.
Each has its place. Sex on your own terms can be healthy, including sex on your own, though it can also drift away from your partner. Some autistic people describe sex and touch as a way to calm and regulate,3 and that kind of comfort is real closeness. What we look for is whether playing together is possible for you as well, when you both want it.
Naming your reasons. Think of the last few times. What brought you to it? Comfort, release, play, or something else?
Step 4. You talk about what makes it safe enough to play
Play needs safety: enough of it that taking a small risk with your partner feels possible.
Taking a risk might mean saying what you like, trying something new, or letting your partner see you unmasked. Your therapist may ask each of you what helps you feel safe enough for that, and what puts you on guard.
For many neurodivergent people the answers are practical. Knowing what to expect. Touch that does not arrive as a surprise. Being free to stim or go quiet without it being read as a rejection. A no that will not cost a day of silence. For a partner who has felt turned down, safety may mean knowing they are still wanted.
If you do not feel safe. This conversation is about feeling at ease, not about danger. If either of you is afraid of the other, or sex has happened under pressure, tell your therapist on your own. Work on sex pauses while that is looked at.
Step 5. You talk about where your ideas about sex came from
Most adults carry beliefs about sex they never chose: from family, culture, faith, friends and media. Many neurodivergent people carry a second layer, often unnamed, about being too much or about hiding who they are in bed.
Beliefs couples often bring. If my partner loves me, they should know what I want.
If we have to plan it, it does not count.
My sensory needs are too much to ask for.
Going quiet during sex means I am not into it.
Your therapist does not ask you to give any of these up in the session. The aim is to notice which ones are yours, and where they came from. Beliefs like these have the most power when they stay unspoken.
Step 6. You name what you share and where you differ
Toward the end, your therapist may invite you to put the two pictures side by side. Most couples find something sex is for, for both of them, even if it is small: a way back to each other after a hard week, or a place to laugh.
One couple’s picture. Partner A says sex is mostly a way to feel close after time apart. Partner B says it is mostly a way to unwind, and that lying close without sex feels close too. What they share: both want it unhurried.
Differences are not a verdict. One of you may value comfort and the other play. One may want predictability and the other surprise. The point is to understand each other, not to win. These differences are what the rest of this course helps you design around.
Closing the session. What is one thing sex is for that you both want? We can build from there.
After the session
Your therapist may suggest one or both of two worksheets on our site. Each of you fills one in privately first. The Sexual Beliefs Audit lists common beliefs, inherited and neurodivergent, to mark agree, disagree or mixed. If you both want to, trade and read each other’s in silence, then each pick one belief you would like to change this year.
The Sexual Values Sort asks each of you to rank 24 values, then compare your top six: where they overlap, and where they pull apart. Bring what you noticed to your next session.
The gold pairs often lead to the most useful conversation, because neither of you may have known the other valued something so different.
In the figure: Comparing your top six on the Sexual Values Sort: emotional safety and connection in both; predictability and wordlessness for Partner A pulling against spontaneity and verbal expression for Partner B.
The workbook below is yours alone, for after the session. Many couples next look at How Neurodivergence Shapes Sex, which names what most often gets in the way.
If this is hard to do. If this is too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: embarrassment, sadness about what sex has become, or worry that your answers will not match. That conversation is part of the work.
Can my partner love me and still have a low sex drive?
Yes. Researchers who study love describe three systems that draw people together: sex drive, romantic love and the long-term bond. They are only partly connected, so you can feel one without the others. A partner whose sex drive is low can still love you and feel deeply bonded. If a drive has changed suddenly, your therapist may suggest a medical check alongside therapy.
Is it wrong to want sex mostly for comfort or release?
No. Many people come to sex for one of three reasons: sensation or release on their own terms, comfort, or play together. None of the three is bad on its own, and most people move between them. Some autistic people describe sex and touch as a way to calm and regulate. Therapy looks at whether playing together is possible as well, when you both want it.
What makes sex feel safe enough to enjoy together?
Playing together happens when you feel safe enough to take risks with your partner, such as saying what you like or being unmasked. For many neurodivergent people that means knowing what to expect, touch that is not a surprise, freedom to stim or go quiet, and a no that will not cost a day of silence. If either partner is afraid, they can tell the therapist on their own.
What if we want different things from sex?
Differences are not a verdict on the relationship. One of you may value comfort and the other play, or one predictability and the other surprise. The aim is to understand each other, not to win. Many couples find at least one thing sex is for that they both want, and build from there. A worksheet such as the Sexual Values Sort can help you compare.
Your workbook
Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in on your own after the session.
What sex is for, for me
Answer these on your own, after the session. There are no wrong answers. Your answers stay on this device, so if you share it, your partner may be able to see them.
Right now, sex is mostly for me about: — Feeling close, Feeling wanted, Comfort and calming down, Release or sensation, Play and fun together, Not sure yet
Of the three pulls, which feels strongest for me right now? — Sex drive, Romantic love, The long-term bond, About even, Not sure
Lately, what brings me to sex most often? — Sensation on my own terms, Comfort, Playing together, It has not been happening, Not sure
How safe does it feel to take a risk with my partner, such as saying what I like? — Very safe, Fairly safe, Not very safe, Not safe at all
Beliefs and common ground
Write a line or two. If something here is about your safety, tell your therapist on your own.
One belief about sex I picked up that I might like to change
One thing I think sex could be for, for both of us
Where this comes from
Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.
Research discussion
The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a formal trial. The ideas behind them come from three sources, none of which studied neurodiverse couples.
The three pulls come from a paper by Helen Fisher and colleagues1 that proposes separate brain systems for sex drive, romantic attraction and attachment. It is a theory built on small brain-scanning studies and animal research, so it is a useful way of thinking rather than a settled fact about any one person.
The three reasons people come to sex come from Sue Johnson’s book for couples,2 drawn from her Emotionally Focused Therapy. It is a clinical framework, not a research finding. The point about calming and regulating comes from a study of the written accounts of more than 120 autistic people.3 It shows the experience exists, not how common it is.
Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.
Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated October 7, 2026
Peer-reviewed research
1. Fisher HE, Aron A, Brown LL (2006) Romantic love: a mammalian brain system for mate choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 361(1476), 2173-2186. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2006.1938 A review proposing three brain systems for reproduction: the sex drive, romantic attraction and attachment, each linked with its own chemistry, which can act together or independently. It draws on brain-imaging studies of people in love and recently rejected, alongside animal and behavioral research. Limitation: a theoretical synthesis built on small imaging samples (17 people in love, 15 recently rejected) and animal work; not a study of couples or of neurodivergent people.
3. Gray S, Kirby AV, Holmes LG (2021) Autistic narratives of sensory features, sexuality, and relationships. Autism in Adulthood, 3(3), 238-246. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0049 Qualitative analysis of publicly available narratives from 5 books and 13 online forums (72 usernames) plus 49 survey responses, over 120 autistic people in total, coded deductively against Dunn's model of sensory processing and inductively for further themes. Touch, sight, sound and smell shaped sexual experience in both positive and negative ways; some described distress at particular sensations, others sought more intense sensation or used intimacy to calm and regulate; strategies included talking with partners and using substances to dull sensation. Limitation: qualitative and self-selected; cannot say how common any pattern is.
Clinical sources and public data
2. Johnson SM (2008) Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company, New York. https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/dr-sue-johnson/hold-me-tight/9780316113007/ A book for couples based on Emotionally Focused Therapy. It describes three kinds of sex: sealed-off (focused on sensation, with emotion shut away), solace (seeking reassurance of being loved and desirable) and synchrony (two people who feel safe and seen, coming together in play). This module puts these in plain words. Limitation: a clinical framework written for the public, not a research finding; the three kinds have not been tested as categories.
Further reading
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Sexual Beliefs Audit. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/sexual-beliefs-audit The practice's worksheet of inherited and neurodivergent-specific beliefs about sex, each marked agree, disagree or mixed; partners fill it in privately, trade and read in silence, and each pick one belief to change this year. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Sexual Values Sort. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/sexual-values-sort The practice's worksheet of 24 sexual values, ranked by each partner and compared for top-six overlaps and mismatches. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
Find out what sex means to each of you
The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD, including on sex, desire and touch. We help each of you say what sex is for, hear your partner without a verdict, and build from what you share. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.
Up next
Module 4 — How Neurodivergence Shapes Sex