Sexual Values Sort

Couples have different values about sex — and most never name them. This worksheet gives you a vocabulary. Rank these 24 values from most to least important. Then trade. Where you agree is your foundation. Where you don't is your real conversation.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner ranks the 24 values — top 6, bottom 6, middle 12, or order all 24. Trade and compare. Look for top-6 overlaps and top-6 mismatches. Talk about the mismatches — not to win, to understand. Re-rank in 6 months. Values shift over time. Track them.

Name

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Date

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Values to sort

24 values to rank, in pairs.

The 24 values

• Privacy — sex stays between us
• Frequency — sex happens often enough to feel close
• Novelty — we try new things, places, positions
• Familiarity — we have go-to moves and rhythms
• Romance — mood, candles, music, words
• Practicality — it fits our schedule and life
• Spontaneity — sex happens when the spark hits
• Predictability — I know roughly what to expect
• Adventure — outside the bedroom, new contexts
• Emotional safety — I can be vulnerable without judgment
• Physical pleasure — what feels good is the point
• Connection — feeling close is the point
• Skill / effort — we care about learning what works
• Goal-free — no need to climax, no agenda
• Eye contact — we see each other
• Verbal expression — talking, dirty talk, narration
• Wordlessness — comfortable in silent intimacy
• Equal initiation — we both ask
• Defined roles — one leads, the other receives
• Switching roles — we trade off who leads
• Aftercare — what comes after matters
• Solo space — alone time is part of healthy intimacy
• Shared rituals — we have repeating practices
• Privacy from kids — time and space carved out

My ranking

Most important — top 6

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Least important — bottom 6

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Where we overlap

Compare your top six. Compare your bottom six. Notice the surprises.

Values that appeared in BOTH our top sixes

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A value in my top six that was in my partner's bottom six

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A value I expected my partner to rank high but didn't

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What this changes for us going forward

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Alignment isn't agreement: You don't need matching rankings. You need to know where they differ, so the differences stop showing up as surprises.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.