Scheduled Intimacy Agreement

Scheduling intimacy protects the opportunity for intimacy — not the act. Both partners agree, in writing, on the timing, the onramp, the sensory prep, what counts as a yes / no / not-now, and what happens if it doesn't happen. The schedule reduces the activation cost of getting there. Either partner can still say no on the day.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

Important: Scheduling does not equal required sex. The integrity of the 'no' option is what protects future 'yeses.' Don't use this agreement to pressure your partner into anything they don't want.

1 — The timing

Day(s) of the week we're scheduling

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Start time / end time

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Who's responsible for childcare / interruptions / phone-off

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Frequency: weekly / bi-weekly / other

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2 — The onramp

Many ND couples need 30–60 minutes to shift attention into intimacy. Plan it.

Onramp activities (walk, shower, music, dim lights, no screens)

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How long the onramp will take

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3 — Sensory prep

Lower the lights. Use the unscented sheets. Put on the white-noise machine. Skip the perfume. Small accommodations transform what's possible.

Lighting

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Sound

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Scent

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Texture (sheets, fabric)

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Temperature

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Anything to remove from the room

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4 — What counts as yes, no, not-now

Our agreed YES phrase

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Our agreed NO phrase

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Our agreed NOT-NOW phrase — with what real next time

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Our pause / stop signal during sex (same word every time, no interpretation)

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5 — What happens if it doesn't happen

Some scheduled sessions won't become sex. That's built into the system, not a failure of it.

If we both want to but the energy isn't there, we will

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If one of us doesn't want to, we will (offer closeness if genuine, not as payment)

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If RSD hits, we will (refer to RSD repair plan)

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6 — Aftercare

Aftercare ritual we both want (sensory, verbal, touch, decompression, closure)

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7 — Signatures

This is a designer agreement. Update it whenever the system stops working for either of you.

Partner 1 signature

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Partner 1 date

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Partner 2 signature

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Partner 2 date

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Review again on

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Spontaneous is bonus: If you have spontaneous sex outside the schedule, that's wonderful. The schedule isn't a ceiling — it's a floor.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
• Sensory Needs in a Shared Life, from The Neurodiverse Couple. One home, two nervous systems: how sensory differences play out, and designing a home both can live in.