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Module 24 — Designing Your Own Relationship
Keep what fits you both, and plan for the slips.
Watch first: the Module 24 video
A narrated video of about 5 minutes in a flat purple-and-mint illustration style that opens and closes on the NCCC logo. Couples of different ages and pairings work out a relationship that fits both partners. They compare preferences such as planned or spontaneous and same bed or apart, and ask “Does this work for both of us?”, treating differences as “Not a failure. Just information.” It ends with monthly check-ins (“Adapting, not failing”) and a “Designer Relationship” worksheet the couple fills in together.
Watch the Module 24 video: Designing Your Own Relationship (MP4, about 5 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full.
By now the two of you may have a phrase for asking, an evening you plan for, and a way to say not tonight that does not end the night. Some of it came from your sessions, and some you made up yourselves. This last session puts it together into something that is yours, and plans for the weeks when it slips.
Making it your own
Summary: what usually happens in the session
1 You each say what has changed since you started. In your own words. Your two answers may differ, and both count.
2 You sort what you keep from the usual script, and what you drop. Some ordinary expectations fit you. Others cost too much.
3 You name what the two of you have invented. Your own phrases, signals, plans and rituals, and whether each one works for both of you.
4 You talk about one area where you still differ. With curiosity, not to settle it today.
5 You plan what to do when things slip. The early signs, and what you go back to first.
6 You agree when you would come back. A check-in session is not starting over.
One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.
Step 1. You each say what has changed since you started
Your therapist may open by asking each of you what is different now. It helps to think of a real moment, such as an evening that went better or a no that did not turn into a day of silence. You can write your answer down first and read it out.
Your answers may not match. A partner who felt lonely or pressured for a long time often feels the change later than the other. Your therapist usually says back what each of you said, and does not decide who is right.
Your differences built some of this. Many neurodiverse couples end up as inventors: the standard script never fit, so they made their own answers. In interviews, autistic adults described the same trait, such as deep focus, as a help in one setting and a struggle in another.1 The need for a plan that once made sex hard may be what makes your planned evening work.
Looking back. Think of one moment lately when things went better between you. What made it different?
Step 2. You sort what you keep and what you drop
Most couples absorb a script for sex and closeness without ever choosing it: from family, films and friends. For neurodiverse couples it often does not fit, and forcing the fit wears people out. So your therapist may invite you to go through it, piece by piece.
Keep what works. Some ordinary habits fit you well: a kiss goodnight, an evening out, saying the words. There is no reason to give those up because they are ordinary.
Drop what costs too much. An expectation that drains one of you, or asks one of you to mask, is not serving the relationship. Autistic adults in one study described burnout as exhaustion that builds as demands pile up, and some named unmasking, doing things their own way, as part of getting better.2
One example from one couple on each bed. Something one couple pulls up may be exactly what another keeps, and a bed can be replanted at any time.
In the figure: Keep, drop, invent, drawn as three garden beds. Keep (tend it): flowers growing well, such as kissing goodnight. Drop (pull it): weeds pulled up by the roots, such as waiting for the mood. Invent (plant it): new seedlings, such as a phrase for asking. A watering can carries the test for each one: does it work for both of us?
Sorting the script. Which of the usual expectations about sex still fit the two of you? Which ones have you been carrying because you thought you were supposed to?
Step 3. You name what the two of you have invented
Then your therapist may ask what you have made up yourselves. For many couples it is a short list. A phrase for asking, and a signal for closeness that is not sexual. A planned evening with a start and an end time, in a room set up for your senses. A way to say not now that keeps you close.
The only test for any of it: does this work for both of us?
Not whether it is how other couples do it, and not whether it would impress anyone. In one paper, shared activities helped keep relationships strong when both partners wanted to share them and responded to each other.3 Something one of you puts up with does not pass the test, however well it works for the other.
If it only works for one of you, that is not a failure. It is the next thing to adjust, and the session is a good place to say so.
Step 4. You talk about one area where you still differ
Most couples still differ on something: how often, planned or spontaneous, the same bed or sometimes apart, how much time alone. Some talk about whether their relationship is monogamous, and what that means to each of them. Your therapist may ask you to choose just one area.
Each of you fills in your own copy before you compare. Many couples find they agree on more than they expected.
In the figure: An example Designer Relationship worksheet, Partner A and Partner B side by side on sex frequency, sleeping, time together or apart, affection in public, staying in touch and big decisions, with the biggest difference marked.
Curiosity, not negotiation. The aim today is to understand why it matters to each of you, not to split the difference. A difference is not a problem to fix. It is what the two of you are designing around.
One difference. Tell your partner what this area would look like for you, if it were up to you alone. Then tell them why it matters.
If you do not feel safe. A design is never a quota, and nothing you agree here is owed. This work is for relationships where both of you can say yes, no, wait or stop without being punished for it. If either of you is afraid of the other, or sex has happened under pressure, tell your therapist on your own. Work on sex pauses while that is looked at.
Step 5. You plan what to do when things slip
Things slip for nearly every couple, usually under stress: a busy season, poor sleep, illness, a new baby, burnout. An old pattern comes back, and it can feel as if nothing has changed. Usually a great deal has. Your therapist may ask what your early signs would be, and what you would go back to first.
Each place to look again is a module of this course. Reading it again together, and trying its exercise at home, is often enough.
In the figure: When something slips, where to look again: if asking has stopped, Asking and Answering; if a no lands hard again, When “No” Lands Hard; if touch feels hard again, Your Sensory Map; if planned evenings feel like a debt, Scheduling Intimacy; if one of you is worn out, Energy, Masking, and the Onramp; and for pain or a sudden change in desire, a doctor too, alongside therapy.
For example, Partner B notices that neither of you has asked for closeness in three weeks. B says so plainly one evening, without blame, and the two of you read Asking and Answering again together that weekend.
Your body first, where it fits. If sex starts to hurt, if erections, arousal or orgasm change, or if desire drops suddenly, it is worth seeing a doctor as well. That runs alongside therapy, not instead of it. Some problems need a specialist, such as a pelvic floor physical therapist, and your therapist will help you decide.
Your early signs. Say things slip next month. What would each of you notice first? And what would you go back to?
Step 6. You agree when you would come back
Coming back is part of the plan, not a sign that it failed. Some reasons have nothing to do with anything going wrong: a birth, a move, a new medication, perimenopause, a new diagnosis, children leaving home. Any of these can change sex, and a session before or after can help.
Many couples choose a simple rule: if a sign stays for a few weeks, or either of you asks, you book a session with our team. Asking needs no other reason. A check-in picks up where you left off; it is not starting over. The Repair Program’s Knowing When to Come Back covers this for the relationship as a whole.
Coming back. What would tell each of you it is time to check in? Who would say so first?
After the session
Your therapist may suggest the Designer Relationship worksheet on our site. Each of you fills in your own copy: what you want, not what you assume your partner wants. It covers sex and much more, from sleeping and time apart to money and holidays. Then trade, read in silence, and notice the gaps.
At home, you might pick one gap the worksheet shows and make one design decision about it this month. The worksheet is meant to change as you do. Many couples fill it in again once a year.
If you would like to put into words, on your own, what you want from sex now, The Sex Life I Actually Want is there too. The workbook below is yours alone, for after the session.
If this is hard to do. If this is too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: worry that things will slip, sadness about the years before, or fear that your wishes are too different. That conversation is part of the work.
What does designing your own relationship mean for a neurodiverse couple?
It means not following a script written for someone else. You keep the ordinary habits that fit you, drop expectations that drain one of you or ask one of you to mask, and invent what you need, such as a phrase for asking or a planned evening. The only test for any of it is whether it works for both of you.
What if we still want different things about sex?
Most couples still differ on something, such as how often, planned or spontaneous, or sleeping in the same bed. Your therapist may invite you to choose one area and talk about why it matters to each of you, with curiosity rather than negotiation. A difference is not a problem to fix. It is what you design around.
What should we do if things slip after sex therapy?
Slips are common, usually under stress, and an old pattern coming back does not mean nothing has changed. Many couples go back to the one module that fits what is slipping. If sex starts to hurt or desire changes suddenly, it is worth seeing a doctor as well, alongside therapy. You can book a session at any point.
When should we come back to sex therapy?
Many couples choose a simple rule: if a sign stays for a few weeks, or either partner asks, they book a session. Life changes such as a birth, a move, a new medication or perimenopause can be good reasons too. A check-in picks up where you left off. It is not starting over.
Your workbook
Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in on your own, after the session.
Looking at what you have built
Answer these on your own, after the session. There are no wrong answers. Your answers stay on this device, so if you share it, your partner may be able to see them. Pick the closest option even if none is exact.
Compared with when you started, how is sex and closeness between you now? — Much better, A little better, About the same, Harder, Not sure
How much of your sex life now feels chosen by the two of you, rather than inherited? — Most of it, Some of it, Very little, Not sure
Is there something you do together that works for your partner but not for you? — Yes, Maybe, No
Which would most likely be your first sign that things are slipping? — Asking stops, A no lands hard again, Touch feels harder, Planned evenings get skipped, One of us is worn out, Something else
What would you go back to first? — Talking it through ourselves, One module of this course, A session with our therapist, Not sure yet
Keeping it yours
Short answers are fine. You decide what, if anything, to share with your partner.
One thing the two of you invented that you would like to keep
One design decision you would like the two of you to make this month
Where this comes from
Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.
Research discussion
The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a formal trial. The studies below support the reasons behind some of the steps.
The interviews about strengths1 spoke with 28 autistic adults. They show that one trait can help or hinder depending on the setting, but not how common any trait is. The burnout study2 drew on 19 interviews with autistic adults and other first-hand accounts. It describes what burnout is like and what people say helps, not how often it happens.
The study of shared activities3 followed couples from the general population, not neurodiverse couples. It shows a link between wanting to share an activity and a stronger relationship, but cannot show that one causes the other.
Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.
Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated October 7, 2026
Peer-reviewed research
1. Russell G, Kapp SK, Elliott D, Elphick C, Gwernan-Jones R, Owens C (2019) Mapping the autistic advantage from the accounts of adults diagnosed with autism: A qualitative study. Autism in Adulthood, 1(2), 124-133. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2018.0035 28 semi-structured interviews with autistic adults, sampled for maximum variation in support needs, analyzed by content and thematic analysis in two stages. The traits most often cited as advantages were hyperfocus, attention to detail, memory and creativity, with honesty, loyalty and empathy for animals and other autistic people on the social side; traits functioned as advantageous or disadvantageous depending on social context, controllability and extent of expression, and the authors suggest strengths and weaknesses may be a false dichotomy. Limitation: a qualitative study that excluded people with severe intellectual or language impairment; it cannot say how common any trait is.
2. Raymaker DM, Teo AR, Steckler NA, Lentz B, Scharer M, Delos Santos A, Kapp SK, Hunter M, Joyce A, Nicolaidis C (2020) "Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew": Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132-143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079 Community-based participatory thematic analysis of 19 interviews with professionally diagnosed autistic adults and 19 public Internet sources. Autistic burnout was characterized by chronic exhaustion, loss of skills and reduced tolerance to stimulus, arising from life stressors adding to cumulative load and barriers to relief; participants described a lack of empathy from neurotypical people, and named acceptance and support, time off and reduced expectations, and doing things in an autistic way or unmasking as associated with recovery. Limitation: qualitative, 19 interviews; cannot say how common burnout is.
3. Girme YU, Overall NC, Faingataa S (2014) "Date nights" take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21(1), 125-149. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12020 Two studies of 196 individuals and 83 couples examining shared relationship activities. Activities that were satisfying, free of stress and increased closeness predicted better relationship quality both immediately and over time, but shared activities sustained relationship quality only when partners were responsive and wanted to share them. Limitation: general-population samples and correlational designs; it cannot say that scheduling an activity causes the improvement.
Further reading
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Designer Relationship. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/designer-relationship Worksheet 11: each partner fills in their own copy across ten areas of the relationship, the two trade and read in silence, talk about one area where they differ with curiosity rather than negotiation, and redo it once a year. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
Build a sex life that fits you both
The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD, on sex, desire and touch. We help you keep what works, drop what costs too much, and plan for the weeks when it slips. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.
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