The Sex Life I Actually Want

Almost everything else here is about what's going wrong. This one is about where you're headed - because the goal was never zero. The goal is a sexual life that's actually yours: one that feels good, fits your values, and that you're in charge of. Moving toward something you want is far more sustainable than just trying to stop something you don't.

Aim at something, not away from something: White-knuckling away from a behavior runs out of steam. Moving toward a sexual life you actually want gives the effort somewhere to go - and makes 'control' feel like freedom instead of deprivation.

The six-principles check

Sexual health professionals use six simple principles. Use them as your own yardstick - not 'is this allowed?' but 'is this consistent with a sexual life I respect?'

For each, note where you're aligned and where you're not.

Consent (mine and others', freely given):

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Non-exploitation (no one's being used or harmed):

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Protection (from STIs, unwanted pregnancy, real-world harm):

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Honesty (with myself and any partners):

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Shared values (it fits what I actually believe):

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Mutual pleasure (it actually feels good, not just compulsive):

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More of / less of

Example — More of: ... · Less of: ...

Example — More of: ... · Less of: ...

My 'in control' picture

If this were working the way I want, what would my sexual life look like?

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One specific, doable agreement with myself to move toward that:

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This is a plan, not a punishment: A sexual-health plan you build yourself - toward a life you actually want - beats any rulebook someone hands you. Start with one agreement, keep what works, adjust what doesn't. You're allowed a sexual life you feel good about.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Replacing the Habit: Healthy Dopamine & New Routines, from Sex Addiction Recovery. You can't erase a habit — you replace the routine while keeping the cue and reward.
• The Three Circles, from Sex Addiction Recovery. The Three Circles turn 'stop' into a usable map: bottom lines, warning signs, and a life worth protecting.
• Your New Path: Integration & Staying the Course, from Sex Addiction Recovery. The capstone of the recovery course: integrate every tool into a sustainable life, expect a non-linear path, and stay the course for the long haul.