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Module 9 — Saying It Plainly
Plain words you agree on, so nobody has to guess.
One of you rests a hand on the other’s back in the kitchen, meaning only “I love you.” The other hears a request for sex, stiffens, and the evening goes quiet. Nobody said a word, and you both went to bed feeling misread.
Saying what you mean about sex
Summary: what usually happens in the session
1 You each name the hints you send and the ones you miss. Sighs, looks, a long hug, a “maybe later”. Both directions count.
2 You turn one real hint into plain words. What was meant, what was heard, and how it could have been said.
3 You agree how to say whether touch is sexual. A few words for “this is sexual” and for “this isn’t”.
4 You each say which kinds of phrases sound like you. For inviting, for declining, and for checking in.
5 You agree two or three phrases for each. Written down, in words both of you would actually use.
6 You say your phrases out loud. Once, to each other, with nothing riding on it.
One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.
Step 1. You each name the hints you send and the ones you miss
Your therapist may start by asking how each of you usually lets the other know you would like to be close. For many couples the honest answer is mostly hints: a sigh, a look, a long hug, a hand that lingers, a “maybe later”. Then each of you says which of the other’s signals you think you have missed.
Missing a hint is not a failing. A hint only works when both of you read it the same way. Tiredness and stress make that harder for anyone, and for many neurodivergent people even more so. A neurodivergent partner’s own signals, such as going quiet or getting busy, get misread too.
One well-known idea describes this as a two-way gap: people who process the world differently find each other harder to read, so the misunderstanding belongs to neither of you alone.1 In one study, mixed groups of autistic and non-autistic people felt less at ease with each other than groups who were all non-autistic, although they passed information along just as accurately.2
The opening question. How does your partner usually know you would like to be close? And which of their signals do you think you have missed?
Step 2. You turn one real hint into plain words
Your therapist may ask for one recent moment that went wrong, and slow it down. What did the one who hinted mean? What did the other one hear? Then the two of you work out how it could have been said, plainly enough that nobody has to guess.
Most of the phrases on the right come from our Sample Scripts Cheat Sheet. Each one takes a few seconds to say.
Plain is not unromantic. Many couples worry that saying it outright will spoil the mood. What we usually see is the opposite. When nobody has to decode anything, both of you can relax and be present. Plain words say what is being asked for, and leave room for a no.
Slowing it down. Can we slow that moment down? When you said maybe later, what did you mean? And what did you hear?
Step 3. You agree how to say whether touch is sexual
A hand on the back can mean “I love you” or “I want you”. When one partner is not sure which, they often pull away from both, just in case. The one who reached out then feels turned down for something they never asked for.
If you are not sure which one a touch is, either of you can simply ask.
So your therapist may invite you to agree on a few words that make the meaning plain: “This is sexual” and “This isn’t.” Some couples use exactly those words. Others choose a phrase of their own, or a signal they both know.
For many neurodiverse couples, saying out loud whether touch is sexual is the change that helps most.
Step 4. You each say which kinds of phrases sound like you
Next, your therapist may talk through the three kinds of phrase most couples find useful, with a few examples of each. You each say which examples sound like something you would actually say, and which you would not.
Three kinds of phrase. Inviting. How either of you asks to be close, or for sex.
Declining. How either of you says not tonight, or no.
Checking in. How you ask how the other is doing, before or during.
Why agree the words ahead of time. Finding the right words under pressure takes energy, and that is the moment most people have least of it. A phrase agreed while nothing is being asked for does that work in advance. Scripted phrases can sound stiff until couples try them.
If you do not feel safe. These phrases are for relationships where both of you can say yes, no, wait or stop without being punished for it. If sex has happened under pressure, or if either of you is afraid of the other, tell your therapist on your own. The work on sex pauses while that is looked at.
Step 5. You agree two or three phrases for each
Then the two of you settle on two or three phrases for inviting, two or three for declining and two or three for checking in. Change the wording until it sounds like you. A phrase that will not get said is not worth keeping. Many couples write the final versions down on paper as they go, so the words are exact.
A filled-in example. Yours will be in your own words, and two or three phrases in each group is plenty.
A no needs nothing in its place. If a declining phrase offers something else, like holding hands instead, keep it only if you mean it. Closeness is offered when it is genuine, not as payment for saying no. How to answer an invitation, and how to take the answer, is the subject of Asking and Answering.
Some things are easier written. Many couples also agree what goes in a text or a note rather than being said in the moment: a question earlier in the day, say, or how last night felt, the next morning.
Step 6. You say your phrases out loud
Before the session ends, your therapist may ask each of you to say one or two of your phrases to the other, just to hear them. The first time is usually the most awkward. Saying a phrase once in a calm moment makes it easier to say on an ordinary evening.
Trying it out. Say one of your inviting phrases to your partner now, just to hear how it sounds. There is no need to answer it.
The way this goes wrong. A couple agrees their phrases, and then at home both slip back into hints, because saying the words feels exposed. Or one uses the agreed invitation and the other answers with a sigh.
Most couples fall back on hints at first. When you notice it, name it kindly: “That was a hint. Let me say it properly.”
After the session
Afterward, find the Sample Scripts Cheat Sheet worksheet on our site. It has more sample phrases in each group, and a page for the ones the two of you agreed, written in your own voice.
Many couples practice them out loud where nothing is at stake: in the car, or while doing the dishes. The aim is for the words to come easily before you need them. The workbook below is for each of you on your own, first.
If this is hard to do. If saying these things plainly feels like too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: embarrassment, worry about sounding clumsy, or fear of hearing no. That conversation is part of the work.
My partner never picks up on my hints about sex. What helps?
For many neurodivergent people, especially when stressed or tired, hints, sighs and mood-reading are easy to miss or misread, and the gap runs both ways. In a session, your therapist may help you each name the hints you send and the ones you miss, then turn one real moment into plain words, such as "I am in the mood. Are you available?"
Won't saying it plainly take the romance out of sex?
Many couples worry about that. What we usually see is the opposite: when nobody has to decode anything, both partners can relax and be present. Plain words say what is being asked for and leave room for a no. Agreed phrases can sound stiff until couples try them, and most couples change the wording until it sounds like them.
How do we stop a hug being taken as a request for sex?
Agree a few words that make the meaning plain, such as "This is sexual" and "This isn't." Some couples use exactly those words; others choose a phrase or a signal of their own. A hand on the back can mean "I love you" or "I want you", and when a partner is not sure which, they often pull away from both, just in case.
What phrases should a couple agree on?
Two or three each for inviting, declining and checking in, in words both of you would actually use. A phrase that will not get said is not worth keeping. Our Sample Scripts Cheat Sheet has starter phrases. A no needs nothing in its place: closeness is offered when it is genuine, not as payment for saying no.
Your workbook
Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in after the session, on your own first.
After the session
Answer these on your own first. There are no wrong answers. Your answers stay on this device, so if you share it, your partner may be able to see them. Pick the closest option even if none is exact.
How much do you rely on hints to show you would like to be close? — Mostly hints, Some hints, Mostly plain words, Not sure
How often do you think you miss or misread your partner's signals? — Often, Sometimes, Rarely, Not sure
Do the two of you now have a way to say whether touch is sexual? — Yes, Partly, Not yet
Which kind of phrase is hardest for you to say plainly? — Inviting, Declining, Checking in, All about the same
Since the session, have you used one of your phrases at home? — Yes, more than once, Once, Not yet
In your own words
Write them here first. You can bring them to your next session, or keep them to yourself.
One hint you use that you would like to say plainly instead
Your phrases for the kind you find hardest, in words you would actually say
Where this comes from
Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.
Research discussion
The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a trial. That agreed phrases take the strain out of asking is what couples tell us, not a research finding.
The idea of a two-way gap in understanding1 comes from a short essay. It proposed the idea rather than testing it, and studies have been testing it since.
One of those studies2 tested 311 adults, autistic and non-autistic, who passed a story along a chain of six people. Detail was lost at the same rate whoever was in the chain, but mixed chains rated their rapport lower than chains of non-autistic people. The people were strangers passing on a story, not couples talking about sex.
Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.
Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated October 5, 2026
Peer-reviewed research
1. Milton DEM (2012) On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008 A current-issues piece introducing the term double empathy problem, critiquing the definition of autism as a deficit in theory of mind and reframing the difficulty as a question of reciprocity and mutuality in interaction. Limitation: a four-page sociological essay, not a study; cited as the origin of the idea named on the practice's slide.
2. Crompton CJ, Foster SJ, Wilks CEH, Dodd M, Efthimiou TN, Ropar D, Sasson NJ, Lages M, Fletcher-Watson S (2025) Information transfer within and between autistic and non-autistic people. Nature Human Behaviour, 9(7), 1488-1500. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-025-02163-z Stage 2 Registered Report: the analysis plan was accepted before the data existed. 311 adults tested (154 autistic, 157 non-autistic) at three sites, in six-person chains that were all-autistic, all-non-autistic or alternating, passing two 30-detail passages. Detail was lost steeply along every chain and chain type did not predict the rate of loss, so the 2020 mixed-chain information-transfer finding did not replicate. Rapport did differ: all-non-autistic chains rated it higher than mixed chains, among speakers (p = 0.0012) and listeners (p = 0.04). Limitation: USA and UK participants with high mean IQ, all communicating by speech, passing a story between strangers - not a couple, and not a test of any session format.
Further reading
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Sample Scripts Cheat Sheet. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/sample-scripts-cheat-sheet The practice's worksheet of starter phrases for inviting, declining and checking in, with a page for the phrases a couple agrees on, to be written in advance and practiced out loud. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Neurodiverse Sex Therapy: a guide for neurodiverse couples on sex, desire and intimacy. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/sex The practice's guide this course is built from. Its sections on communication for neurodiverse couples and on sample scripts are the source of this module: replacing hints and mood-reading with direct asks, agreed phrases, written check-ins and saying whether touch is sexual. Limitation: clinical material developed in use, not a study.
Swap the guessing for words you both agreed
The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center helps couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD find plain words for sex, touch and desire. Your therapist works through it with you both in the session, at the pace of whoever needs it slower. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.
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