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Module 10 — Yes, No, Maybe
Find what you both want, with nobody talked into anything.
Each of you sits with your own copy of a list and a pen, and an agreement not to talk while you mark it. Then you swap pages. Perhaps for the first time, you can see in writing what your partner would like, would rather not, and might consider.
Comparing what each of you would like
Summary: what usually happens in the session
1 Your therapist explains the list and its three rules. About 65 things couples do, each marked yes, no or maybe.
2 You each fill in your own copy, without talking. On paper, privately. You can skip anything.
3 You swap copies and read them in silence. You notice your reactions before anyone speaks.
4 You start with what you both marked yes. That overlap is where the two of you begin.
5 You talk about the maybes with curiosity. What might help, with nobody talked into anything.
6 You each hear the other’s no, without debate. A reason is welcome if it is offered, and never owed.
7 You choose one small thing to try that suits you both. Something you are both satisfied with, not a split down the middle.
One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.
Step 1. Your therapist explains the list and its three rules
Your therapist may introduce the Yes / No / Maybe Inventory, one of the worksheets on our site. It lists about 65 things couples do together, from where and when to kinds of touch. Each of you marks every item yes, no or maybe.
Most couples never get to talk about sex this specifically. One clear comparison can take the place of many hard conversations. Before anyone picks up a pen, your therapist usually goes over three rules.
The three rules. Maybe does not mean “convince me.”
No is not up for debate.
Yes today can become no tomorrow.
The third rule matters as much as the others. Your answers describe how things are now. Stress, sleep, energy and mood can all change them. A yes on paper is not a promise for any particular night.
Before you start. Nothing on this list is a request. It is a way to find out what each of you would like, and nothing on it gets argued over.
Step 2. You each fill in your own copy, without talking
Each of you marks your own copy, in writing, and you do not talk while you do it. Some couples fill it in at home before the session. Others would rather do it in the session, side by side, with their therapist there. For many neurodivergent people, someone quietly working alongside makes a hard task easier to start.
The list starts with where, when and ordinary affection, so most people have marked a good many answers before it reaches anything more intimate.
Why the setting is on the list. In first-hand accounts, autistic people describe light, sound, smell and touch shaping sex in both directions. Some sensations are distressing; others are welcome or calming.1 Your Sensory Map goes into this in detail.
Skip anything. You can leave out any item that feels irrelevant, upsetting or outside your values. Your copy is private, and you decide what, if anything, to share.
Step 3. You swap copies and read them in silence
When you have both finished, you trade copies and read without speaking. Your therapist may invite you to notice your own reactions first: surprise, relief, hurt, curiosity. Reading first and talking second gives each of you time to take it in. Many neurodivergent people find that easier than answering on the spot.
You can always say it. If any of this starts to feel like too much, you can say I am uncomfortable. That is a complete sentence. Nobody has to explain it or defend it. We stop, we look together at what is happening, and we decide as a group whether to stay with it or to understand first what is getting in the way.
Seeing your partner’s answers, and knowing yours are being read, is the moment many people find hardest in this session. You can say it at any point while you compare.
Reading first. Take your time. Read it through once before either of you says anything. Then tell me what you noticed in yourself.
Step 4. You start with what you both marked yes
Your therapist usually begins with the items you both marked yes. Many couples find more overlap than they expected. Those shared yeses are your starting map: the place any change begins, and the ground you build on.
An example only. Your own list will be longer, and most of the talking is about the rows where your answers differ.
A short overlap is still a start. If you share only a few yeses, that is common. For many couples the first ones are not sexual at all: a long hug, the lights low, lying close.
Starting with the overlap. Where did your shared yeses surprise you?
Step 5. You talk about the maybes with curiosity
Next come the maybes. A maybe is honest information, not a door to push on. Your therapist may ask the partner who marked it what would have to be true for it to become a yes. The answer might be about timing, the senses, energy, or simply more time to think.
A maybe can stay a maybe. The other partner listens, and does not try to turn the maybe into a yes. Some maybes become yeses over months. Some never do, and that is fine.
Asking about a maybe. What might help with this one? If the answer is nothing yet, that is an answer too.
Step 6. You each hear the other’s no, without debate
Then the nos. Each one is respected as it stands, with no argument and no pressure to explain. A no protects the yes: each of you can say yes more freely, knowing a no will be heard.
Sometimes the partner who said no would like the other to understand the reason. They can explain, if they want to. A reason is a gift, not a condition.
When a no stings. Seeing a no beside something you hoped for can hurt, especially for someone sensitive to rejection. Your therapist makes room for that hurt without asking the other to change the answer. When “No” Lands Hard goes further into this.
Hearing the nos. Is there a no you would like your partner to understand? You do not have to explain any of them.
Step 7. You choose one small thing to try that suits you both
Before the session ends, your therapist may ask you to choose one small thing from your shared yeses to try in the coming week. Small really means small: a long hug before bed, or the lights lower than usual.
Negotiation, not compromise. Compromise often leaves one partner quietly resentful, and the agreement falls apart. Negotiation looks for an option both of you can honestly live with, even if that takes a few short talks.
Compromise often looks like agreement on the day. The cost tends to show up later, when one of you quietly stops following through.
If one of you walks away quietly resentful, the decision is not finished.
Whatever you choose happens at home, and only because both of you agreed to it in the session. It goes at the pace of whoever needs it slower, and either of you can still change your mind on the day.
If you do not feel safe. This list is for relationships where both of you can say yes, no, wait or stop without being punished for it. It is not a tool for pressure. If sex has happened under pressure, or if either of you is afraid of the other, tell your therapist on your own. The work on sex pauses while that is looked at.
Choosing one thing. Of everything you both said yes to, what is one small thing you would both be glad to try this week?
After the session
Afterward, find the Yes / No / Maybe Inventory worksheet on our site if you have not already. Its last page has five questions for after you compare. Because answers change, some couples fill in fresh copies from time to time and compare again.
The Negotiation vs. Compromise worksheet works for any decision, about sex or anything else. You each look back at one recent decision and see which kind it was, then trade pages. Then you plan the next decision together, aiming for both of you satisfied.
How to ask for something on your list on an ordinary evening, and how to answer, is the subject of Asking and Answering. The workbook below is for each of you on your own, first.
If this is hard to do. If this list feels like too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: embarrassment, fear of what your partner’s answers might say, or worry about being judged for your own. That conversation is part of the work.
What is a yes, no, maybe list for couples?
It is a list of about 65 things couples do together, from where and when to kinds of touch. Each partner marks every item yes, no or maybe, on their own copy, without talking. Then you swap and read in silence. Our Yes / No / Maybe Inventory starts with setting and ordinary affection, and you can skip any item that feels irrelevant, upsetting or outside your values.
What do we do with the items we both marked yes?
Start there. The items you both marked yes are your starting map: the place any change begins. Many couples find more overlap than they expected. If you share only a few, that is common, and for many couples the first shared yeses are not sexual at all, such as a long hug or the lights low.
My partner marked maybe. Can I talk them into a yes?
It helps not to try. Maybe does not mean "convince me." A maybe is honest information, not a door to push on. Your therapist may ask the partner who marked it what might help, such as timing, the senses, energy or more time to think. The other partner listens. Some maybes become yeses over months, some never do, and that is fine.
How do we decide what to try without one of us giving in?
Aim for negotiation, not compromise. Compromise often leaves one partner quietly resentful, and the agreement falls apart. Negotiation looks for an option you can both honestly live with, even if it takes a few short talks. If one of you walks away quietly resentful, the decision is not finished. Either of you can still change your mind on the day.
Your workbook
Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in after the session, on your own first.
After the session
Answer these on your own first. There are no wrong answers. Your answers stay on this device, so if you share it, your partner may be able to see them. Pick the closest option even if none is exact.
Have you filled in your own copy of the list? — Yes, Partly, Not yet
How did your shared yeses compare with what you expected? — More than I expected, About what I expected, Fewer than I expected, We have not compared yet
When your maybes came up, did you feel any pressure to make them yeses? — None, A little, A lot, Not sure
Did your nos feel respected? — Yes, Mostly, Not really, Not sure
The one small thing you chose: which was it closer to? — Negotiation: we were both satisfied, Compromise: one of us gave in, We have not chosen yet
In your own words
Write them here first. You can bring them to your next session, or keep them to yourself.
The one small thing the two of you chose to try
One of your maybes, and what might help it feel like a yes
Where this comes from
Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.
Research discussion
The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a trial. That writing your answers privately and then comparing them makes these conversations easier is what couples tell us, not a research finding.
The one study in the lesson1 gathered first-hand accounts from more than 120 autistic people, from books, online forums and a survey. Touch, sight, sound and smell shaped their sexual experience, for better and for worse. The accounts came from people who chose to share them, so the study shows these experiences exist, not how common they are.
Who this research was done with. The study behind this module, which was not a study of couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.
Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated October 5, 2026
Peer-reviewed research
1. Gray S, Kirby AV, Holmes LG (2021) Autistic narratives of sensory features, sexuality, and relationships. Autism in Adulthood, 3(3), 238-246. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0049 Qualitative analysis of publicly available narratives from 5 books and 13 online forums (72 usernames) plus 49 survey responses, over 120 autistic people in total, coded deductively against Dunn's model of sensory processing and inductively for further themes. Touch, sight, sound and smell shaped sexual experience in both positive and negative ways; some described distress at particular sensations, others sought more intense sensation or used intimacy to calm and regulate; strategies included talking with partners and using substances to dull sensation. Limitation: qualitative and self-selected; cannot say how common any pattern is.
Further reading
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Yes / No / Maybe Inventory. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/yes-no-maybe-inventory The practice's inventory of about 65 items, marked yes, no or maybe by each partner privately and then compared, with three safety rules (maybe does not mean convince me; no is not up for debate; yes today can become no tomorrow) and five discussion prompts. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Negotiation vs. Compromise. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/negotiation-vs-compromise The practice's worksheet contrasting one-sided compromise with negotiation that leaves both partners satisfied, with an audit of a recent decision and a plan for the next one. Limitation: a clinical tool developed in use, not a validated instrument.
• Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Neurodiverse Sex Therapy: a guide for neurodiverse couples on sex, desire and intimacy. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/sex The practice's guide this course is built from. Its sections on the Yes / No / Maybe inventory, negotiation versus compromise and body-doubling the conversation are the source of this module. Limitation: clinical material developed in use, not a study.
Find your shared yeses, at a pace that suits you both
The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center helps couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD talk about sex specifically and safely. Your therapist helps you compare what each of you would like, with every no respected and nobody talked into anything. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.
Up next
Module 11 — The Daily Check-In