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Module 11 — The Daily Check-In

Six numbers a day, so neither of you has to guess.

One of you comes home quiet. The other wonders whether it is a hard day at work, a headache, or something they did, and spends the evening guessing. A two-minute check-in with six numbers can replace most of that guessing.

Knowing what kind of day the other is having

Summary: what usually happens in the session

1 You each say how you tell what kind of day the other is having. Usually by guessing, and how often the guess is wrong.

2 Your therapist goes through the six numbers. Well-being, energy, anxious, down, close, and open to intimacy, each from 1 to 10.

3 You each rate today and trade, without discussing. On paper, in the session, read in silence.

4 You talk about what a number changes, and what it does not. It can change the plan for the evening. It is never a promise or a verdict.

5 You practice asking about a number with curiosity. What, when and how when there is room; yes or no when one of you is overloaded.

6 You agree when to check in, and when to look back at the week. The same time each day, and one short look back at the end of the week.

One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.

Step 1. You each say how you tell what kind of day the other is having

Your therapist may start by asking each of you how you usually know what kind of day the other has had. For most couples the honest answer is guessing: a face, a tone of voice, how a door was closed, how long someone stays in the car.

Then you each say how often the guess is wrong. A quiet partner is read as angry when they are only tired. A partner who seems fine is hurting, and nobody notices for days. Guessing goes wrong in both directions, and it says nothing about how much either of you cares.

Putting a feeling into words can be hard. Many autistic people find it hard to name what they feel: in one review of 15 studies, about half of the autistic participants scored high on a measure of it.¹ Tiredness, worry and wanting to be close can be hard to tell apart from the inside, let alone describe. A number is often easier than a sentence.

The opening question. How do you usually find out what kind of day your partner has had? And how often do you think you get it right?

Step 2. Your therapist goes through the six numbers

The check-in is six numbers from 1 to 10, the same six every day. Each of you rates only yourself. Your therapist may go through what each one asks, so the two of you mean the same thing by them.

Each number is about today only. Tomorrow's can be completely different, and that is the point of asking again.

Two of the six run the other way. For anxious and down, a high number means a harder day. Many couples mix these up at first, so it helps to say it out loud once.

Why every day, and not only when it matters. A number given on the day is closer to the truth than a feeling remembered a week later, which tends to drift toward what we already believe.² And in one study, people who rated their feelings several times a day for a week got clearer about them as the week went on.³

Step 3. You each rate today and trade, without discussing

Your therapist may ask you to try it right there. You each write your six numbers for today on a piece of paper, on your own, without looking at the other’s. Then you swap and read in silence.

The silence is part of it. Nobody explains a number, and nobody argues with one. A number is what one person is reporting about themselves today, not a verdict on the relationship. If one of you writes a 3 for closeness, that is not a charge the other has to answer.

Before you swap. Read your partner’s numbers without saying anything yet. Just notice what you see.

Step 4. You talk about what a number changes, and what it does not

Next, your therapist may ask what today’s numbers could change about this evening. A rule of thumb many couples use: if energy is at 3, it is not the night for big plans; if closeness is at 8, protect the moment. Most of what a number changes is small: a quieter dinner, an earlier night, a hand held on the sofa.

Made-up numbers. The point is the bottom box: a number changes the plan for the evening, not how either of you is seen.

Open to intimacy is the number to handle most gently. A high number is not a promise of sex. A low one is not a no to a question nobody asked, and it says nothing about how much one of you wants the other. For a partner who is sensitive to being turned down, it can help to hear that said plainly in the session, and more than once.

If you do not feel safe. This check-in is for relationships where both of you can say yes, no, wait or stop without being punished for it. It is never a way to press for sex. If either of you is afraid of the other, or sex has happened under pressure, tell your therapist on your own. Work on sex pauses while that is looked at.

Step 5. You practice asking about a number with curiosity

Once couples have been together a while, they often stop asking and start assuming. Your therapist may invite each of you to pick one number of the other’s that surprised you, and ask about it, out loud, in the session.

How you ask matters. Questions that start with what, when or how leave room to explore. When one of you is overloaded, a question that only needs a yes or a no is kinder. Questions that start with why can sound like a cross-examination, even when they are meant warmly.

A tired brain can usually manage a yes or a no when an open question would be too much.

Asking is optional, and so is answering. “I don’t know yet” is a full answer, and so is “Can we leave it for today?”

Trying it out. Pick one of your partner’s numbers that surprised you. Ask about it with what, when or how, and see what you learn.

Step 6. You agree when to check in, and when to look back at the week

Last, the two of you choose a time that already exists in your day: after work, over breakfast, before bed. Many couples find the same time each day works best, so nobody has to remember to start it. Some couples say the numbers out loud. Others write them on the tracker, or send them as a text.

You also choose one moment at the end of the week to look back. Then you trade the week’s page and look for patterns, not single days.

The way this goes wrong. The check-in turns into a scorecard. One of you reads a low closeness number as an accusation, or asks every evening whether it has gone up yet. The numbers start to get adjusted to keep the peace.

If that happens, many couples find it helps to pause the check-in for a few days and bring it to the next session. It usually means something underneath needs talking about, and that is useful to know.

After the session

Afterward, find the Daily Check-In Tracker worksheet on our site. It has a page for the week, with one row a day for each of you. It also has a weekly review of four short questions, such as which was your closest day and what the two of you were doing.

Bring the week to your next session if you like. If a pattern seems to point to the body, such as well-being low for weeks or a sudden change in desire, your therapist may suggest seeing a doctor as well, alongside therapy. The workbook below is for each of you on your own, first.

If this is hard to do. If checking in every day feels like too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: feeling watched, worry about what a low number will start, or tiredness at being asked one more thing. That conversation is part of the work.

How can I tell what kind of day my autistic or ADHD partner is having?

Many couples rely on guessing from a face or a tone of voice, and the guess is often wrong in both directions. A daily check-in replaces most of that guessing. Each of you rates six things from 1 to 10, the same six every day, and you trade numbers. Many autistic people find a number easier to give than a sentence about how they feel.

What are the six numbers in the daily check-in?

Body well-being, energy, anxious or worried, down or sad, how close you feel to your partner, and how open you are to intimacy today. Each of you rates only yourself. For two of them, anxious and down, a high number means a harder day, so it helps to say that out loud once so you both read them the same way.

Does a high number for intimacy mean we will have sex?

No. A high number is not a promise of sex, and a low one is not a no to a question nobody asked. It says nothing about how much one of you wants the other. The check-in is for relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait or stop without being punished, and it is not a way to press for sex.

What if the daily check-in starts to feel like a scorecard?

It happens. One partner reads a low closeness number as an accusation, or asks every evening whether it has gone up, and the numbers start to get adjusted to keep the peace. If that happens, many couples stop the check-in for a few days and bring it to their next session, because it usually means something underneath needs talking about.

Your workbook

Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in after the session, on your own first.

After the session

Answer these on your own first. There are no wrong answers. Your answers stay on this device, so if you share it, your partner may be able to see them. Pick the closest option even if none is exact.

Before the check-in, how often did you guess right about your partner's day? — Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Not sure

Which number is hardest for you to give honestly? — Well-being, Energy, Anxious, Down, Close, Open to intimacy, None of them

When does a check-in fit your day best? — Morning, After work, Before bed, Not sure yet

How would you rather share your numbers? — Out loud, Written on the tracker, By text, Not sure yet

After a week, does the check-in feel more like information or more like a score? — Information, A bit of both, A score, Not tried yet

In your own words

Write them here first. You can bring them to your next session, or keep them to yourself.

A number you would like your partner to ask you about, and how

From the week's numbers: one thing to try differently next week

Where this comes from

Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.

Research discussion

The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a trial. That numbers take the place of guessing is what couples tell us, not a research finding.

The finding that many autistic people find it hard to name their feelings comes from a review that pooled 15 studies.¹ The questionnaire it relied on has mostly been tested with autistic people who speak fluently, so it may not fit everyone.

That feelings reported on the day are closer to the truth than feelings recalled later comes from a review of research on how people report emotion.² It brings many studies together under one idea rather than testing a practice like this one.

The study of rating feelings through the week³ prompted 313 students on their phones for one week, and found they grew clearer about their feelings. They were students, not couples, and a week is a short time.

Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.

Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated October 5, 2026

Peer-reviewed research

1. Kinnaird E, Stewart C, Tchanturia K (2019) Investigating alexithymia in autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 55, 80-89. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2018.09.004 Meta-analysis of 15 studies comparing 366 autistic and 348 non-autistic participants. Alexithymia was present in 49.93 per cent of the autistic group against 4.89 per cent of controls, risk ratio 6.50 (95 per cent CI 3.26 to 12.93). Limitation: the authors note the TAS measure has only been validated in samples previously described as high-functioning, so it may not generalize to autistic people with greater language or communication difficulty.

2. Robinson MD, Clore GL (2002) Belief and feeling: Evidence for an accessibility model of emotional self-report. Psychological Bulletin, 128(6), 934-960. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.128.6.934 A review organizing the evidence on emotional self-report around one distinction: emotion, which is episodic, experiential and contextual, and beliefs about emotion, which are semantic, conceptual and stripped of context. Reports about feelings not currently being experienced draw increasingly on the second. Used here for why each partner answers from a real, recent moment rather than a general impression. Limitation: a theoretical review rather than a trial, and not specific to couples or to autistic or ADHD respondents.

3. Ottenstein C, Hasselhorn K, Lischetzke T (2024) Measurement reactivity in ambulatory assessment: Increase in emotional clarity over time independent of sampling frequency. Behavior Research Methods, 56(6), 6150-6164. https://doi.org/10.3758/s13428-024-02346-y 313 students were prompted on their phones either three or nine times a day for one week, with sampling frequency experimentally manipulated. Emotional clarity increased within participants over the week, and the increase did not differ between the two frequency groups; mood showed no systematic trend. Limitation: a student sample rather than a clinical one, and one week of monitoring; it measures clarity and mood, not behavior.

Stop guessing what kind of day your partner is having

The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD, including on sex, desire and closeness. We help couples set up a daily check-in that gives information without becoming a scorecard. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.

Talk with our team