We provide expert, caring support for women on the autism spectrum looking to grow or better understand themselves. AUTISTIC WOMEN < Back WOMAN ON THE SPECTRUM? WE SEE YOU. If you are an adult woman who thinks you may be on the spectrum, we are so glad you are here. You have probably been overlooked and under-supported for years and maybe even decades. You may be struggling in your relationship but not know how to fix it. Sadly, feelings of being defective, lonely, confused and helpless may be all too common. Please don't despair. There is hope! On this web page, we will try to cover the basics of women on the spectrum but we invite you to connect with one of our neurodiversity specialists who would be honored to help you.

The family drawing that opens your family-of-origin session, and the marks that put an undiagnosed relative on the page without diagnosing anyone. Show the full module text Module 9 — Drawing the Family The drawing that opens your family-of-origin session, and the marks that put an undiagnosed relative on the page without diagnosing anyone. Part Three goes somewhere most couples do not expect: the house each of you grew up in. Not to find someone to blame. The way you were loved and hurt as a child is still running in your marriage, and we look at it so it stops running you. The first thing we do is draw your family. What this is about Every child finds a way to cope with what was missing. That way of coping is still in the room when the two of you fight. Over the next few sessions we find it, name it to your partner, and give them one thing to do about it this week. The next module, Your Childhood Wound, walks through that part. It starts with a drawing. Your therapist shares a screen and draws your family while you talk, one family at a time, with your partner watching. It is not a whole family tree. We draw the part of your family that is still operating inside your marriage. Somebody’s mother could not have music on in the house. She went rigid when the plan changed, she knew an implausible amount about birds, and all her life the family called her difficult. Every family drawing marks addictions, mental illness and abuse. Ours adds a layer no textbook has a symbol for, so that she gets onto the page. The drawing shows the pattern that runs through your family, and it does that without diagnosing anybody. What happens in the session Your therapist says what the drawing is for, then starts with names and ages. People who think they are about to be analyzed manage their answers, so the analysis waits. You will see the page. Everything typed appears on the screen as it goes, including the hard words. Watching “addiction” appear next to your father’s name is not the same as not seeing the page, so you are told it is coming. There are two sheets, because a tree cannot show what happened first. So the big events go on a separate line, in order: a parents’ divorce, a death, a move from another country, an injury, and whatever else you name as major. A move from another country tends to be underweighted by therapists and weighted enormously by the people who lived through it, so it always goes on the line. The Drawing 1 Siblings first, then outward. You and your brothers and sisters, then your parents, then your grandparents. Names and rough ages only. Then two optional questions: which parent are you most like, and did you and your siblings have roles? 2 The second sheet. The big events, in order, on a line. Beside the tree, in words, go your parents’ strengths and weaknesses and how their marriage worked: affection, communication, conflict and decision making. 3 The colored pen, then the rings. Addictions, mental illness diagnosed or undiagnosed, abuse. Then a ring around each person that says how sure we are: solid for assessed, dashed for self-identified, dotted for suspected. A letter says what kind: A for autistic, D for ADHD, S for sensory differences with no other label, and a question mark for the relative who was clearly something. 4 Your children, and the file. Your own children go on the sheet with the same marks. A child on the same page as a grandparent turns a diagnosis into a family pattern. Then both sheets go to you, tonight. If you are the partner watching, your job is to witness, not to check. Later you will be asked what you saw, and that is when it is yours. The question mark gets used more than you would expect; without it, the relative nobody ever had a word for falls off the page. Three rings, three kinds of knowing. Suspected: you or the family think it, and nobody has tested it. Self-identified: the person says so about themselves. Assessed: someone tested them, with a name and a year attached. The rings never get collapsed into one another, in either direction. For a dotted ring, the questions are about what the relative did, never what they were. Someone who was a child at the time can answer those. Opening. I want to draw your family. We will start with you and your brothers and sisters and work outward, and I am only after names and rough ages, not the whole tree. Then a second sheet for the big events and when they happened. You keep both. What she did, not what she was. I am not going to ask whether your grandmother was autistic, because you cannot know. What could she not stand? What did she do at the same time every day? What did the family call her? Drawing the ring. This one is dotted, and it stays dotted. We are not going to find out, and the pattern is still useful without it. Every question asks what somebody did, and every mark records how sure we are. The way this goes wrong. One partner diagnoses the other’s family. Watching it go onto the screen, they start filling in the rings: “her mother is obviously autistic, look at her father”. The layer belongs to the person whose family it is. Your therapist redirects to what you watched your mother-in-law do, and that goes on the page as observation, in her ring. You do not need their agreement. If your parents are alive and would dispute a dotted ring, that is all right. It is your read of your family, and it diagnoses no one. If there is almost nothing to draw, because you were adopted, estranged or raised in care, a half-empty sheet is not a deficit. We draw what exists, write where there is nobody, and work on the generation you do know about: yours. Why we do it this way A family drawing has one job. It moves a family out of one person’s head and onto a surface that two people and a therapist can look at together. On the page, a family can be discussed as an object. In the head, it has to be defended as an identity. What kind of tool this is. The family drawing (the genogram) is standard practice in family therapy, and it has almost no outcome research behind it. A review that looked for every study of any design found minimal studies of whether it helps.1 We hold our claims at that size. The value is in the conversation the drawing starts, not in the sheet. The rings ask for a permission the standard drawing already grants. Nobody finds it strange to mark an undiagnosed depression on a family tree on the strength of a family’s description. The neurodiversity layer asks for the same thing and nothing more. The reason so many rings are dotted is a hole in the record, not a hole in your memory. Among older adults, about ten times as many meet the criteria for ADHD as carry a diagnosis.2 Later in this part, The Family You Grew Up In Was Neurodiverse Too puts the same kind of number on autism. The dotted ring exists so that a relative nobody assessed still gets onto the page. People ask “so did I get it from her?” within a minute of the second ring going on. Autism and ADHD run strongly in families, and that is not in dispute.3 But a heritability figure describes a population, not a person.4 What the figure can and cannot say. It supports: this runs in families. It does not support: you got it from your grandmother. Character, not condition. That is how these relatives usually survive in family language: difficult, highly strung, private. A pattern we notice, not a finding. What is documented is what a label can do: women diagnosed autistic in middle age describe moving from self-critical to self-compassionate.5 The woman on your tree who was called difficult all her life may have been one of them, without the last chapter. The solid ring is usually the youngest person on the page, because a child’s assessment is what brought a parent to look up. After the session Family material lands late. The relative you had nothing to say about on Tuesday is the one you have a great deal to say about on Thursday. When it arrives, open the sheet and add it, in the right ring. Do not promote anyone. A grandmother who was suspected in one session has a way of becoming “my autistic grandmother” a few sessions later. The three rings exist so that long after the session the two of you can still tell what you knew from what you guessed. If your partner’s family was drawn first, yours is coming. If you would rather it were not, say so. That is information, not a failure. The workbook below is your tree in words, for the week between this session and the next. The one thing, if that is all you have. If the whole tree is too much this week, write down one relative nobody ever assessed and three things you watched them do. That is one ring, and it is enough. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This one is your tree in words, for the week between the drawing and the next session. The two sheets Siblings first, then outward. Names and rough ages only, not everyone. You and your brothers and sisters, oldest to youngest, with rough ages, and the role each of you had, if there were roles Which parent are you most like? — My mother, My father, Another caregiver, Neither, and I know who I am like instead, I have never been able to answer this Up to five big events, in order, with your age at each: a divorce, a death, a move, an injury, anything you count as major The rings One relative per line. The ring says how sure we are; what goes beside it is what they did, not what they were. Solid ring, assessed: who, what, by whom, roughly when Dotted ring, suspected: who, and three things you watched them do Each of your children, and the ring they would get, if any A few days later Fill this in a few days after the session, not the same evening. What arrived later: a relative you forgot, an event missing from the line, a pattern you never had a place for, and which ring it goes in If your partner's family was drawn first: — I want mine drawn next, I am not sure I want mine drawn, I would rather not, and I will say so, Mine was drawn first Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion The family drawing, or genogram, is standard practice in family therapy. It has a large descriptive literature and almost no outcome research. The review the lesson cites searched five databases across all study designs and found the literature to be mostly about settings and adaptations, with minimal studies of effectiveness.1 It does not report a count of included studies, and it does not say there are none, so the lesson says minimal rather than none. Nobody has tested whether drawing a family this way helps a couple, and we do not claim it does. Our claim is narrower: the value is in the conversation, and the drawing is how the conversation gets started. The three rings, the four letters and the questions about what a relative did are the practice’s own notation. Nothing official exists. Their value is that they are consistent: the same marks on every family, so that months later everyone can still tell what was known from what was guessed. Like the rest of this program, the session rests on what thousands of neurodiverse couples have told us, not on a trial. The figures in the lesson frame the drawing; they do not test it. The ADHD prevalence figures are pooled from twenty studies and about twenty-one million people; the paper defines older adults as fifty and over in its methods rather than its abstract, and heterogeneity across studies was significant.2 The heritability estimate comes from two million people in a family design using siblings and cousins rather than twins.3 The primer is cited for its argument that heritability is a population average with no meaning for an individual.4 The lesson’s point about a single family line is our extension of that argument, not the paper’s words. The late-diagnosis study is eleven women, interviewed and analyzed for themes, and it is quoted for what late diagnosis can be like rather than for how common any of it is.5 The observation that undiagnosed relatives survive in family language as character rather than condition has no study behind it, and the lesson presents it as a pattern we notice. Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Peer-reviewed research 1. Joseph B, Dickenson S, McCall A, Roga E (2023) Exploring the therapeutic effectiveness of genograms in family therapy: A literature review. The Family Journal, 31(1), 21-30 . https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807221104133 Literature review searching MEDLINE, EMBASE, CINAHL, SCOPUS and PsycINFO, including all studies irrespective of methodology. The literature was found to be predominantly about the use of genograms in various settings and adaptations, with minimal studies on the effectiveness of genograms as a therapeutic tool in family therapy. Limitation: the abstract gives no count of included studies and no limitations statement; it says minimal, not none. 2. Dobrosavljevic M, Solares C, Cortese S, Andershed H, Larsson H (2020) Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in older adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 118, 282-289 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2020.07.042 Systematic review and meta-analysis of 20 studies (32 datasets, 20,999,871 individuals). Pooled prevalence of ADHD in older adults differed by method: 2.18 percent (95 percent CI 1.51-3.16) by research diagnosis on validated scales, 0.23 percent (0.12-0.43) by clinical diagnosis, and 0.09 percent (0.06-0.15) by treatment. Older adults are defined as 50 and over in the methods. Limitation: heterogeneity across studies was significant for every method, and the age threshold is stated in the full text rather than the abstract. 3. Bai D, Yip BHK, Windham GC, Sourander A, Francis R, Yoffe R, Glasson E, Mahjani B, Suominen A, Leonard H, Gissler M, Buxbaum JD, Wong K, Schendel D, Kodesh A, Breshnahan M, Levine SZ, Parner ET, Hansen SN, Hultman C, Reichenberg A, Sandin S (2019) Association of genetic and environmental factors with autism in a 5-country cohort. JAMA Psychiatry, 76(10), 1035-1043 . https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2019.1411 Population-based multinational cohort of 2,001,631 children born in Denmark, Finland, Sweden, Israel and Western Australia between 1998 and 2011, followed to age 16; 22,156 were diagnosed autistic. Median heritability 80.8 percent (95 percent CI 73.2-85.5), with country estimates from 50.9 percent (Finland) to 86.8 percent (Israel); maternal effect 0.4 to 1.6 percent. Limitation: a family design using siblings and cousins rather than twins; shared-environment estimates, reported in the full text, ranged from 0 to 14.5 percent by country; a heritability figure describes a population, not a person. 4. Moore DS, Shenk D (2017) The heritability fallacy. WIREs Cognitive Science, 8(1-2), e1400 . https://doi.org/10.1002/wcs.1400 A primer arguing that heritability, as used in human behavioral genetics, is one of the most misleading terms in science: the measurable heritability of a trait does not say how genetically inheritable it is, what causes it, or the relative influence of genes or environment in its development, and the statistic is a population average with no meaning for any individual. Limitation: a conceptual review rather than a study, and the lesson's phrase about a single family line is an extension of its argument rather than its words. 5. Leedham A, Thompson AR, Smith R, Freeth M (2020) 'I was exhausted trying to figure it out': The experiences of females receiving an autism diagnosis in middle to late adulthood. Autism, 24(1), 135-146 . https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361319853442 Eleven autistic women diagnosed over the age of 40, semi-structured interviews analyzed by Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. Four superordinate themes: a hidden condition (pretending to be normal and fitting in; mental health and mislabeling), the process of acceptance, the impact of others post-diagnosis, and a new identity on the autism spectrum. Several participants experienced diagnosis as a transition from self-critical to self-compassionate, with an increased sense of agency, though the adjustment was painful at such a late stage. Limitation: eleven people, so it describes what late diagnosis can be like and cannot say how common any of it is. A family you can look at together, instead of defend The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. Your family-of-origin session opens with a drawing you keep: two sheets, drawn live, with the neurodiversity layer marked in three states that never get promoted. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 10 — Your Childhood Wound All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

Quick Guide - Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Tip: Want more resources? 📖 Read our Article on Neurodiverse Couples Counseling for an overview of challenges, therapy approaches, and more. 📖 Visit our Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) Page if you have a specific question about our services you'd like an answer to. KEY FACTS The “Neurodiversity Magnet” : Many autistic and neurotypical partners feel an immediate and powerful attraction towards each other and their differences . Autistic partners are often admired for their focus, intelligence, and stability, while neurotypical partners are valued for their social skills and support. This can feel like being “pulled together like magnets.” When Differences Become Challenges : Over time, those same differences can cause misunderstandings . Couples may feel like they are speaking “different languages,” leading to trust issues, arguments, distance, or struggles with parenting and intimacy. Yes, Empathy Is Possible : Some people wrongly believe that autistic partners cannot feel love or empathy. In reality, they do feel empathy—they just may show it in different ways ( Double Empathy Problem ). With the right tools, both partners can better understand and connect with each other. Therapy That Works : Research shows that couples who participate in solution-focused therapy show an increase in “solution talk” and positive reinforcement , which helps partners move away from blame and start expressing emotions more openly (McDowell et al., 2023). Change Takes Time, But It Happens : Autism is not a “fixed” condition. With patience and the right kind of therapy, many couples see progress and grow closer over time—leading to relationships that feel more relaxed, connected, and rewarding. ABOUT US With a team of over 30 therapists, we are the largest practice dedicated exclusively to supporting neurodiverse individuals and couples. Our Approach: We use a neurodiverse counseling model that is tailored to each couple. This model involves focusing on the challenges that often create distance—such as communication breakdowns, sensory sensitivities, and differences in social or executive functioning. Rather than turning these differences into blame or criticism, we help partners reframe them as opportunities to build empathy, strengthen teamwork, and create a more connected relationship. Our neurodiverse counseling model often integrates strengths-based, neuro-affirming strategies that emphasize safety, communication, and mutual understanding. We complete over 16,000 sessions a year , giving us a deep well of experience supporting neurodiverse couples and individuals on their journey toward connection and growth. Our Team: Our experts are deeply compassionate and dedicated to helping neurodiverse couples thrive. Three things set our team apart: Ongoing Specialized Training – Every therapist receives weekly training on neurodiversity-focused content, ensuring our approaches stay current and effective. Collaborative Case Support – We hold weekly case consultations and supervision so that no couple’s challenges are handled in isolation—your therapist has a full team behind them. Continuous Professional Growth – All team members pursue ongoing continuing education in neurodiverse relationships, keeping us at the forefront of best practices. Insurance — We are insurance-friendly. As an out-of-network provider, we will send you a Superbill for therapy services that you can submit to your insurance company for potential reimbursement. Please know that we do NOT bill insurance directly or participate as an in-network provider. For more information, please visit the "Insurance/Fee" section on our FAQ page. Diagnosis optional — You don’t need a diagnosis to participate. If you’re in California and want to explore an autism or ADHD diagnosis, our team can help. A quick note on crises — We’re not a crisis service. If you’re ever in immediate danger, call 911 . For urgent mental health support, call or text 988 . Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center is part of New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. WHO WE HELP We support neurodiverse couples nationwide through online therapy or coaching. We support couples who are navigating neurodiversity in any capacity. Some common issues include: Autism/ADHD differences Cassandra Syndrome Support Highly Sensitive People Parenting and co-parenting challenges Intimacy (both physical and emotional) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Recurring discussions about “tone,” initiative, alexithymia , or intimacy Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) LEARN MORE 📖 Read our Article on Neurodiverse Couples Counseling for an overview of challenges, therapy approaches, and more. 📖 Visit our Neurodiverse Couples Counseling FAQ for practical details about our services. Last reviewed: Aug 26, 2025 • Authors: Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT (Clinical Director) and Jasmyne Mena (Director of Clinical Research & Scientific Communications) GETTING STARTED We would love to create a safe place for you to break the painful patterns of the past and communicate in a new way. Please fill out our contact form and we will be glad to connect you with one of our team members. 10 secrets of happy neurodiverse couples… . (2024, September 4). BPS; The British Psychological Society. https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/10-secrets-happy-neurodiverse-couples Calderoni, S., Billeci, L., Narzisi, A., Brambilla, P., Retico, A., & Muratori, F. (2016). Rehabilitative Interventions and Brain Plasticity in Autism Spectrum Disorders: Focus on MRI-Based Studies. Frontiers in Neuroscience , 10 . https://doi.org/10.3389/fnins.2016.00139 McDowell, C. N., Bryant, M. E., & Parker, M. L. (2023). Decoding Neurodiverse Couples Therapy: A Solution-Focused Approach. Sexuality & Disability , 41 (2), 255–273. https://doi-org.libproxy.csudh.edu/10.1007/s11195-022-09765-9 Milton, D., Waldock, K. E., & Keates, N. (2023). Autism and the ‘double empathy problem.’ In F. Mezzenzana & D. Peluso (Eds.), Conversations on empathy: Interdisciplinary perspectives on imagination and radical othering (pp. 78–97). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003189978-6 Mitchell, P., Sheppard, E., & Cassidy, S. (2021). Autism and the double empathy problem: Implications for development and mental health. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 39(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjdp.12350 Taylor, E. C., Livingston, L. A., Clutterbuck, R. A., Callan, M. J., & Shah, P. (2023). Psychological strengths and well-being: Strengths use predicts quality of life, well-being and mental health in autism. Autism : the international journal of research and practice , 27 (6), 1826–1839. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221146440 Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it. The middle forty minutes of a first couples session. Show the full module text Module 3 — Your Goals The middle forty minutes of your first session, where each of you says what you want and it becomes a roadmap. About forty minutes of your first session is about what the two of you want. You each say it in your own words, your therapist says it back, and then a few more questions go underneath it. This module tells you what those questions are, so you are not answering them cold. What this is about Most people arrive at a first session with a complaint, not a goal. That is the normal place to start. A complaint is specific, recent, and usually about the other person. He never texts back. She interrupts everything I say. We cannot get through a Sunday. A complaint is a fine thing to bring. It just cannot be worked on directly. It describes something your partner is doing, and you are not in charge of that. So once it is said and understood, a few more questions follow. They turn the complaint into something that is yours to work on. You will each be asked separately. Neither of you comments on the other’s answer, not yet. For a lot of neurodiverse couples this is the first conversation in years where each person gets to finish. That on its own does something. What happens in the session This part comes after the connection exercise and before the listening. Communication, time together, chores, the recurring fight, parenting, money, in-laws and sex are all ordinary answers. You will also be asked how you would know a session had gone well, which is often the easier question. And you will be asked what is good about the two of you at your best. A list made while your partner is talking turns into a rebuttal, so the second list waits. The overlap is found out loud, and nothing goes on it that one of you would not say yes to. How Goals Get Set 1 You each say what you want, in your own words. One of you goes first, without interruption, for as long as it takes. Then the other. Say it however it comes out. Nobody will ask you to phrase it well. 2 Your therapist says it back to you. Not word for word. The point is that you hear your own goal come back accurately enough to recognize it, and can correct it if it is off. 3 A few questions go underneath it. Tell me more. What would that give you? How would that help? What is it you really want? Each one moves down a layer. If you do not know, that is a real answer and we work with it. 4 A workable version goes on the roadmap. That means one that is yours to work on, not a change your partner has to make. Your therapist offers one out loud, as a question, and you can say it is wrong. Then the two lists are compared, the overlap is named, and the roadmap, the plan for what gets worked on first, is built with both of you watching. If you would rather write your answers down beforehand, say so and we will send the questions ahead. Say as much as you have. I want to hear what each of you wants out of this, separately, before either of you responds to the other. Take as long as you need, and give me all of it. Nothing is too small. Letting you know it landed. Let me say that back to you, so you know I have it. Tell me where I have got it wrong, or where the words are not quite yours. What it would give you. If it actually changed, what would that give you? How would that help? And if you had that, what would be different? Offering the workable version. So, and stop me if this is wrong, it sounds like what you want to work on is more kindness between the two of you. Not just him being less sharp. Kindness going both directions. Does that sound like yours? If “what would that give you” is a hard question, say so. There is another version: what would you notice was different? What would somebody watching see? The questions that go underneath can feel like being asked to justify yourself. They are not that. Notice what changes as they go down. The first sentence needs your partner to change one particular thing. The sentence at the bottom is one that several changes could produce, and some of those changes are yours to start. How far down we get on the day varies; a first session often gets one layer under the complaint and stops there, and that is enough to start with. Your own sentence is not thrown away when the workable version goes on the roadmap. It is what we check the plan against later. If the workable version does not sound like your life, we have not finished listening yet. Wanting different things is not a problem. Almost every couple does, and the work is built for it. The real exception is when one of you is not really in it: going through the motions, or quietly working out whether to stay at all (a mixed agenda). The way this goes wrong. The partner who is unsure says nothing, because saying it in front of the other person feels like setting something off. So the roadmap gets built on a goal one of the two does not hold, and the work stalls for months. You can raise this with your therapist on your own, before or after the session. You do not have to announce it in the room. A separate service, not part of this module Discernment Counseling This is a different piece of work from couples therapy, and we offer it for neurodiverse couples. It is for when one of you has a foot out the door and the other wants to work on the relationship. It is short: a handful of sessions, some on your own and some together. Nobody is told whether to stay or go. What it produces is a decision made on purpose rather than by exhaustion. Ask us about it at any point, including before you book anything. Why we do it this way Your own words, because being heard is the point. Many of the people we work with have spent decades being told what their goals should be. Someone with that history will agree to a goal they cannot do, agree pleasantly, and then disappear. That is why the workable version is offered as a question. We go underneath the complaint because the deeper sentence is both truer and easier to hear. Almost nobody objects to “I want to matter to you.” Plenty of people bristle at “text me back.” In a room where one person is braced for a list of failures, that is not a small thing. Both of you, in full. The work does not run on one person’s goal. In a large review of couple and family therapy studies, one partner being more bonded to the work than the other mattered to the outcome about as much as how bonded the couple was overall.1 The more lopsided it was, the worse things went. That is also why we take it seriously when one of you is not sure. Standard couples therapy assumes both people want the relationship, and it is a poor tool when one of them is deciding whether to stay.2 Most repair is getting back something you already had and stopped being able to reach. That is why the question about the two of you at your best is not a warm-up. If nothing comes, that is information, not a verdict. The answer usually changes when it is asked again later. What is underneath a goal is usually older than the relationship. Flinching at any feedback often started with being corrected constantly as a child. Never quite feeling part of your own family often started with growing up autistic in a house you could not read. That is the family-of-origin work, the work on the family each of you grew up in, and Part Three of this program covers it. For most couples it begins in the second and third sessions. It is not a search for somebody to blame. In the first session it only gets named and put on the roadmap. After the session The session ends with a roadmap , not a list. Your therapist maps out what gets worked on first and why, out loud, and asks whether anything is missing. Listening usually goes first, because everything else runs on it, and it is taught in the last part of this same session. At least one goal will usually be about wiring, meaning how one of you is built: how you handle sound, or time, or a conversation. The order is a default, not a contract, and either of you can change it in any week. You each carry your own side of it. The thing you already know you want to work on in yourself goes first, because you already believe it. Next to it goes one small thing that is yours alone and does not need your partner to cooperate. It is hard to stay defended against somebody who has just named their own part first. Every six to eight sessions, each of you rates your own side from one to ten, separately. When the two numbers are far apart, that is not a scoring error. It is the most useful conversation available that week. The workbook below is a before . Fill it in on your own, ahead of the session, and take it with you. Nothing in it is shared with your partner. The one thing, if that is all you have. If forty minutes of talking about what you want sounds like more than you have, tell your therapist at the start rather than partway through. The session can be run in writing, or split across two. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Fill this in BEFORE your first session, not after. The complaint, and one layer down Start where you really are. Nobody sees this but you, and a complaint is a fine place to start. The second question is the one your therapist will ask. What is the thing that keeps happening? If that changed, what would it give you? How was that second question to answer? — Easy, Took a while, Hard, I could not do it Before you go in Only you see this. Both answers change what would be useful in the session. Would you rather write your answers than say them out loud? — Yes, writing is easier, Out loud is fine, A bit of both, Not sure Which is closest to true right now? — I want to make this work, I want to, most days, I am not sure whether I want to, I am working out whether to stay One thing that is yours Something you could do that does not need your partner to cooperate. Smaller than you think. A first draft, not a commitment. One small thing that is yours alone Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion The forty minutes is built from the way this practice runs a first session: hear each partner’s goals in their own words, say them back, go a layer deeper, offer a workable version, and build the roadmap out loud with both partners watching. The reasons given in the lesson come from what thousands of neurodiverse couples have told us. No trial of this session format exists. The lesson states one research finding. A large meta-analysis of the alliance in couple and family therapy found that a split alliance, one partner more bonded to the work than the other, was linked to outcome about as strongly as the overall alliance was.1 That is a correlation. It shows that split alliances and poor outcomes travel together; it does not prove that fixing the split fixes the outcome. The mixed-agenda point rests on a practice paper with no data, and controlled evidence for discernment counseling is essentially absent.2 There is no trial showing that a goal in a client’s own words works better in couples therapy than one a therapist writes. What exists is a broader finding about goals in general. Across three studies, goals people held for their own reasons predicted whether they got there, and the strength of goals held for outside reasons predicted nothing at all.3 That is undergraduates pursuing personal projects, not couples in a room. We think it transfers. We cannot show you that it does. One more finding is worth stating carefully. Across many samples of couples, how well two partners’ goals fit together had the strongest link to relationship satisfaction of any goal measure.4 That is a correlation in community samples, and it cuts both ways. Couples who are already doing well may simply describe their goals as more aligned. We are not claiming that writing a shared line on a page raises anyone’s satisfaction. Who this research was done with. The couples studies behind most of this module drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Peer-reviewed research 1. Friedlander ML, Escudero V, Welmers-van de Poll MJ, Heatherington L (2018) Meta-analysis of the alliance-outcome relation in couple and family therapy. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 356-371 . https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000161 Meta-analysis of 48 studies across 40 independent samples covering 2,568 families and 1,545 couples, 491 effect sizes, three-level random effects. Overall alliance-outcome correlation r = .297; split alliance, across 7 samples and 31 effect sizes, correlated r = .316 with outcome. Limitation: a correlational alliance literature, not an experiment. It does not show that repairing a split alliance causes a better outcome, and it does not separate agreement on goals from the bond and task parts of alliance. 3. Sheldon KM, Elliot AJ (1998) Not all personal goals are personal: Comparing autonomous and controlled reasons for goals as predictors of effort and attainment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(5), 546-557 . https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167298245010 Three studies with undergraduate participants listing their own personal goals, one concurrent and two prospective. Goals held for autonomous reasons predicted attainment; the strength of controlled motivation did not predict attainment at all, and the path ran through sustained effort. Limitation: students pursuing personal semester goals, not couples in therapy, and it does not compare client-worded with clinician-set goals. It supports the principle that a goal has to be owned to be pursued; it is not evidence about goal wording in couples work. 4. Toma AM, Rusu PP, Podina IR (2023) The role of goal interdependence in couples' relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(6), 1740-1769 . https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221128994 Meta-analysis of 32 reports yielding 49 independent samples of romantic couples. Goal congruence between partners had the strongest link to relationship satisfaction at r = .43; goal support r = .28; goal conflict r = -.29. Limitation: the accessible record reports no confidence intervals or total sample size, and the underlying studies are overwhelmingly cross-sectional community samples. It cannot show that making goals more congruent in therapy raises satisfaction, or rule out that satisfied couples simply describe their goals as more aligned. Clinical sources and public data 2. Edwards C (2023) The integration of discernment counseling and emotionally focused therapy: Attachment-based therapy with mixed agenda couples. Contemporary Family Therapy, 45(2), 186-194 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9 Conceptual integration paper with no participants and no data. Argues that couples with differing levels of commitment are poorly served by standard couple therapy, because building secure attachment presupposes both partners want the relationship, and proposes a discernment process before treatment goals are set. Limitation: a practice framework only. There is no outcome data here, so it cannot show that separating discernment from therapy improves results, and controlled evidence for discernment counseling is essentially absent. You do not need this worked out before you come The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. Most people arrive with a complaint and no idea how to turn it into a goal. That is what the first session is for. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 4 — Reflective Listening All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

Support for male partners on the spectrum who want to work on their relationships and stay true to themselves. AUTISTIC MEN < Back FROM SHAME TO ACCEPTANCE “Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality.Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.” ― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback FIRST PRIORITY Our first priority is to be able to see the beauty of our differences . This journey may require rethinking a life of experiencing negative messages from society. This rethinking process must operate in the background of all the more tactical work that is done as it is critical to be able to show up in a way that is less defensive and more whole. SECOND PRIORITY Once this primary… Show More

Monotropism theory suggests that autistic individuals possess a focused attention system and may have specific interests, thoughts, or activities that consume their attention. Our therapists do not see monotropism as a deficit and are here to offer a supportive environment where your individuality is honored. MONOTROPISM < Back IS MONOTROPISM A THEORY? Yes. Coined by autistic scholars Dinah Murray and Wenn Lawson, Monotropism Theory challenges traditional views of autism by reframing autistic behaviors as adaptive responses and assets rather than deficits. Unlike traditional views that pathologize autism as a disorder, monotropism theory suggests that autistic individuals possess a focused attention system, giving them the ability to concentrate intensely on a limited number of interests, thoughts, or activities at any given time. KEY FEATURES OF MONOTROPISM THEORY Recognition of Strengths: Monotropism highlights the strengths associated with intense focus and specialized knowledge in autistic individuals. Rather than viewing their focused interests as restrictive or problematic, monotropism acknowledges these as valuable assets that can be… Show More

Most people diagnosed with ADHD as youngsters are told it's bad, and they're made to feel broken and need to be fixed. These same people grow into adults, thinking they are flawed and scatterbrained; this couldn't be further from the truth. There are many benefits of ADHD, and I think of people diagnosed with ADHD as having superpowers! 1. You're More Creative People with ADHD are often more creative than their non-ADHD colleagues. This is because they can see the world differently and easily live, work, and play outside the box! This creativity can be expressed in many different ways, such as through art, music, writing, or even how they approach problems. ADHD is considered part of the Neurodiversity Spectrum, meaning that people living with ADHD have a different brain wiring than neurotypical people. People with ADHD often have what's known as "divergent thinking." This means they see things from multiple perspectives and develop original solutions to problems. This is a valuable skill in any environment; however, it is advantageous in fields that require creativity, such as advertising, marketing, and design. 2. You're More Spontaneous ADHDers are spur-of-the-moment people. This means they're always up for trying new things and going on new adventures. Some people say that "spontaneity is the spice of life," and that's certainly true for people with ADHD! Think about all the positive opportunities that come with being spontaneous: You get to try new things, you are never bored, and you always have an exciting story to tell. Some of the best storytellers I know have ADHD; they embellish a story to make it relatable and entertaining. 3. You have Better Focus Despite what most people think, some people with ADHD have outstanding focus skills. When they're interested in something, they can tune out all distractions and zero in on the task at hand. Just imagine the ability subscribe to a level of hyperfocus on something you're passionate about! This focus can lead to high productivity and success in school, life, and work. Adults with ADHD often find careers in fields that require this type of laser focus, such as surgeons, athletes, and pilots. 4. You're More Energetic People with ADHD are known for having boundless energy. They're often described as "little balls of energy" or "human dynamos." And while this may seem like a negative trait, it's a huge benefit! That's because people with ADHD often have higher dopamine levels, a neurotransmitter responsible for arousal and pleasure. This increased level of dopamine can lead to higher levels of energy. And while this can be a downside at times (e.g., it can make it hard to focus or sleep), it also has its benefits. For instance, this high energy can be channeled into creative endeavors, physical activity, or other outlets. It's also one of the things that makes people with ADHD such great leaders. When you have the energy to take charge and get things done, other people naturally want to follow your lead. 5. You're More Resilient People with ADHD are used to being told that they can't do something or that they'll never amount to anything. As a result, they've become quite resilient and refuse to give up even when the going gets tough. For example, someone with ADHD might be told they're not smart enough to attend college. But instead of accepting this, they'll work twice as hard to get into the school of their choice and prove everyone wrong. Possessing resilience is a skill that can be beneficial in all areas of life. For instance, if you're resilient at work, you're more likely to get promoted because you're not afraid of challenging tasks. If you're resilient in your personal life, you're more likely to maintain healthy relationships because you don't give up when things get difficult. 6. You Live in the Moment ADHDers are present-oriented people. This means they don't dwell on the past or worry too much about the future. Parents of children with ADHD are often told to "enjoy these years because they'll be gone before you know it." And while this may seem like a cliche, it's true! People diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder tend to have a "live for today" mentality. They're not as concerned with what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow. Instead, they're focused on the here and now and making the most of every moment. 7. You're a Risk Taker Individuals with ADHD are also known for being risk takers. They're not afraid to try new things, take chances, or even dance alone on the dance floor! And while this can sometimes get them into trouble, it also leads to new opportunities and experiences. Risk-taking can lead to some amazing experiences, both good and bad. But overall, it's a trait that allows people with ADHD to live life to the fullest. Research shows that in the book "Five Regrets of the Dying," by Bonnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who spent the last twelve weeks of many people's lives with them as they lay dying; people are not sad about the things they did, but about the things they didn't do. So if you have ADHD and are feeling a little daring, go out and take some risks! No regrets!! 8. You're More Passionate ADHDers are passionate people who are not afraid to feel things deeply or show their emotions. And while this can sometimes be a downside (e.g., they might get too wrapped up in their work or a relationship), it's also a significant strength. Passion allows people with ADHD to be creative, unique, and successful. It's the driving force behind their risk-taking behavior and refusal to give up when things get tough. 9. You're a Good Problem Solver People with ADHD are often good at solving problems. That's because they're not afraid to push the proverbial envelope or come up with new and cutting-edge solutions to problems. This problem-solving skill is one of the things that makes people with ADHD such great entrepreneurs and leaders. They're not afraid to take risks or try new things, which is essential for any business owner. Just think what would be possible if people with ADHD helped solve the issues of the climate crisis, poverty, or world hunger! 10. You're Unique! There's no one else quite like you! Embrace your individuality and use it to your advantage. Allow your quirks to shine, and don't be afraid to be yourself. Many people with ADHD feel like they have to conform to societal norms and expectations. But the truth is, you're much better off being your authentic self. When you do this, you'll attract people who appreciate you for who you are. And that's the best kind of relationship to have in life. Conclusion While ADHD may come with some challenges, it comes with many benefits as well. Use these ten things as a reminder that you're not only exceptional, but also one-of-a-kind! However, everyone needs help sometimes. Working with a therapist who specializes in neurodiversity can be extremely helpful when it comes to understanding and navigating your experience with ADHD. When you're ready, our team is here to help. Get Matched With An Expert All the best, Barbara (Blaze) Lazarony , MA is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #127882, Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #10253, Transpersonal Coach, Author & Speaker. Click here to learn more about Barbara Lazarony. Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Whitney Pressley, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule With Whitney Take an ASD/ADHD Screener Are you curious about whether or not you have autism/ADHD? Want to learn more about yourself and take the first step towards deeper self-understanding? We invite you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Site and Take An ASD/ADHD Screener Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

< Back Education & Licensing Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #150408 Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #13526 Bachelor of Science, Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology, Pepperdine University Specialties ADHD Couples Counseling Autistic/Asperger's Couples Counseling Neurodiverse Families & Parenting Neurodiverse Individual Counseling Other Areas of Focus High Achievers, Gifted, and Twice Exceptional Doctors, Engineers, Lawyers, Tech and Corporate Executives Midlife and Life Transitions First Generation, Immigrants, and Children of Immigrants Trilingual: Farsi (Persian), Spanish, and English Neurodiverse Couples Insurmountable Problems? Being in a relationship where one, or both, partners has a neurodiversity can present unique challenges that may seem insurmountable at times . Perhaps you and your partner have been struggling to connect, and you're not sure how to move forward. You may feel like you're speaking different languages, that your partner doesn't understand you, or that you can't find common ground. I've worked with many couples in similar situations, and I've seen firsthand the toll it can take on both partners and the relationship. One partner may feel like they're always walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their partner's sensitivities, while the other partner may feel like they're constantly being criticized or misunderstood. Communication may break down, leaving both partners feeling frustrated, alone, and disconnected. Perspective Taking to Bridge the Gap With the right support and guidance, it's possible to create a safe and loving partnership that enables each of you to thrive and grow. As a neurodiverse couples’ therapist, my goal is to help you both understand each other's perspectives and needs , and to find ways to bridge the gap between you . I'll work with you to identify areas of strength in your relationship, as well as areas that need improvement. We'll explore strategies to build empathy, trust, and communication skills, and we'll develop tools to manage conflict and build resilience. I approach therapy with a focus on collaboration, compassion, and cultural sensitivity. I believe that each person and relationship is unique, and I strive to create a safe and non-judgmental space where you can explore your experiences and feelings without fear of criticism or rejection. I'll work with you to tailor our sessions to your specific needs and goals, and we'll work at a pace that feels comfortable for you both. If you're struggling in your relationship and feel like you're at a crossroads, I encourage you to reach out for support. Together, we can work towards building a stronger, more connected partnership that brings out the best in each of you. Parenting Neurodiverse Children, including ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, OCD, Giftedness, and Twice Exceptional (2e) As a parent, you seek insightful solutions for your unique child rather than labels and generalizations. You may have long recognized that your child differs from other children. Despite seeking answers in parenting books and receiving advice from friends and family members, you have yet to find lasting solutions to your child's behavior. In fact, some of the advice may have even caused setbacks or worked as temporary band-aids, at best. You may be in awe of your child's unique talents in certain areas, but at the same time, perplexed by their inability to complete certain basic tasks. You may observe uneven patterns in your child's development, leaving you uncertain about how to set appropriate expectations. To Push or Back off? You may wonder how much to push your child to their full potential and when that pushing may be jeopardizing their mental health or pushing them farther away. You may notice that teachers, friends, and family unfairly judge your child, leading to a negative impact on their self-esteem and sense of worth. It's possible that you have already enrolled your child in various programs or interventions, but you are still searching for a more comprehensive understanding of how to best support your child and your family. You may be hesitant to seek help, out of concern that a professional may not be able to perceive your child's uniqueness and individuality in the same way that you do. Toll on Relationships Meanwhile, this struggle with meeting your child’s needs can be taking a toll on your relationship with your partner and other children. You’ve been struggling to meet everyone else’s need in the family at the expense of your own and you recognize you need a better strategy. “Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath every feeling there is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom. ” My Approach When working with families, I strive to integrate a personalized, emotion-focused approach with evidence-based research and best practices . This approach allows us to create a meaningful connection and work together towards positive change. I create a comprehensive and tailored plan of action that takes into account your family’s and your child's unique strengths and challenges, without solely relying on labels and diagnoses. I work with parents every step of the way and help them discover the “why” beneath their child’s behavior and guide them toward positive changes. I offer specific guidance to help parents engage with their children in ways that tap into their intrinsic motivation for growth and success. My approach is founded upon evidence-based neuropsychology, curiosity, thoroughness, and clinical integrity, to help your child and the family reach their full potential. In our work together, you will come away with a nuanced and individualized roadmap that is tailored to your child's unique needs, allowing you to make current and future decisions that are suited to their individuality. I am a firm believer that therapy has the power to unlock the world-changing potential of the neurodiverse mind, and I am committed to helping your child achieve their full potential. Read more about our care for Twice-Exceptional Children . Life Experience Licensed Psychotherapist at Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center and Parenting Autism Therapy Center. Working with Dr. Harry Moto, Clinical Director and Founder. Clinical training - The Center for Professional Counseling of Los Angeles. Trained from a psychodynamic, depth-oriented clinical theoretical orientation, integrating alternative modalities as needed such as family systems theory, attachment theory, and CBT/DBT/ACT. Clinical training - Outreach Concern. Work with children, teens, and families as a school-based mental health therapist at multiple school sites. Handle a diverse caseload of students with behavioral, social, emotional, and academic needs. Incorporate a strengths-based orientation to foster academic growth and help students reach their personal potential, both inside and outside the classroom. Graduate Research Associate working alongside Dr. Shelly Harrell in her Culture, Wisdom, and Resilience Lab. My primary focus was the development of a unique application designed specifically for mental health therapists. This innovative tool enables therapists to incorporate quotes from thought leaders into their therapy practices, promoting greater wisdom, insight, and resilience among their clients. Prior President, CFO, COO, and Founder of various tech companies, startups, and non-profit organizations. Learnings from the corporate world helped shape my passion for understanding people’s behaviors, motivations, and drives. These experiences have equipped me with a unique perspective and skill set that I bring to my work as a mental health therapist. Clients Individuals Couples Families Teens/Kids Modalities Psychodynamic/depth-oriented psychology EFT (emotion focused therapy for couples) IFS (internal family systems) CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) including ACT and DBT Family Systems Dynamics Solution focused therapy Specialty Areas: LGBTQIA+, Muslim background, Kink/Poly-Affirmed, Addiction, Assessment, Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse), Teens, ND at Work, Neurodiverse Couples, ADHD, Autism, Buddist - Spiritual, Cassandra Syndrome, Discernment, Internal Family Systems, Accepting New Couples & Indiv. Clients Leila Pirnia Take an Autism Test

OCD vs Autism Is it OCD or autism? On the surface, they can look the same. Repeating routines. Fixating on details. Needing things a certain way. But the “why” behind those behaviors is totally different. With OCD, the ritual is about shutting down scary, intrusive thoughts. With autism, the ritual is about creating comfort, predictability, and balance. Miss that difference, and the relationship takes a hit. Because what looks like “helping” can actually backfire. When partners accommodate OCD compulsions, symptoms often get worse. But when partners support autistic routines, it often lowers stress and builds connection. See the difference? One needs gentle challenge. The other needs respectful support. That’s why it’s so important to sort out what’s what. Studies show OCD shows up in autistic people anywhere from 10% to over 30%, depending on how you measure it. So don’t assume—it’s more common than you think. Here are your next steps: Read our full article about how OCD and autism intersect. Screen for OCD traits with the OCI-R (Obsessional Compulsive Inventory—Revised) . And if you’re wondering about autism itself, check out our Autism & Related Screeners . Bring your results into therapy, and we’ll untangle what’s OCD, what’s autism, and how to handle both without getting stuck in the cycle. Less confusion. More clarity. Better connection. [Click here to schedule a session today] Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. 🔦 Spotlight on Malori Evans Specialties Neurodiverse Couples OCD and Autism LGBTQIA+ Addiction Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse) Sex/Physical Intimacy Emotional Intimacy ADHD, Autism Trauma-Informed Internal Family Systems Life Experience Living with autism and ADHD, raising two kids, and married to a neurodiverse partner — I understand firsthand the beauty and challenges that come with neurodiverse relationships. As a queer woman in recovery, I bring compassion and authenticity to my work, creating a safe space for clients to explore their own stories of healing and connection. I combine evidence-based approaches with lived experience, helping couples and families turn differences into deeper understanding, resilience, and love. Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT # 153124, Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452 Get Booked with Malori Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners References Aymerich, C. (2024). Prevalence and Correlates of the Concurrence of Autism and Other Disorders. PMC. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11048346/ Dell’Osso, L. (2025). Autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Prevalence in children. BMC Psychiatry. BioMed Central Lamothe, H. (2022). Clinical characteristics of adults suffering from high-functioning ASD with OCD. Journal of Affective Disorders. ScienceDirect Meta-analysis: prevalence of OCD in ASD youth: 11.6% (CI 6.9%–18.8%). PubMed Conditions comorbid to autism – OCD comorbidity up to ~30%. Wikipedia. Wikipedia Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

You think your partner might be autistic and have not said it. What our couples therapists do with that, and why the work moves anyway. Show the full module text Module 5 — When We Don't Talk About It One of you thinks the other might be autistic and has not said it. Why we leave it unsaid, and how the work moves anyway. Many people arrive with a thought they have not said out loud: I think my partner might be autistic. This module is about what we do when that thought stays private, which is most of the time, and why the work still moves. What this is about The thought arrives in a lot of ways. A child gets assessed and half the report reads like a description of your partner. Something you read at midnight describes your marriage better than you can. A friend says it lightly and it does not go away. Then, most of the time, nothing happens. You do not say it. The reasons are good ones. You are afraid the reaction will be bad, or very bad. You are afraid your partner will hear it as an insult, shut down, and pull away from the whole idea of therapy. And you know what it is like to be labeled. So the thought sits. Very often it goes both ways: each of you privately wondering about the other, or about yourself, and neither knowing the other is. You do not have to say it for the work to start. Most people do not expect that. This is the map of where Part Two goes, and you are at the top. Nothing below the top box has to be decided today. Many couples do good work for months without anyone using the word. What happens in the session If you have the thought and have not said it, your therapist will not say it for you. Not in the first session, and not in the fifth. Nobody is going to announce a theory about your partner's brain, and nobody is going to pull it out of you. We work with what comes into the room. And a great deal does. One of you finds it hard to say what you are feeling, so we ask about thoughts and actions instead. One of you comes home from a loud restaurant with nothing left, so we look at how the two of you plan an evening. One of you needs a plan to stay the plan. We can work on every one of those without a word for any of it. Working With What Is in the Room 1 Nobody names it. Your therapist does not raise autism or ADHD, and does not need you to. What you have noticed stays yours until you decide otherwise. 2 We work on what actually happens. The hard conversation after a party. The plan that changed. The feeling that would not come out in words. Each one gets worked on as itself. 3 Both of you get heard. The partner you are wondering about will have things they want to be different in you, and those come into the room too. They may want to talk about behavior rather than any label, and that is a good way to work. 4 Naming it waits for trust. When there is enough trust in the room, and only when your therapist thinks it would help, they may name the pattern and open the question of how each of you is wired. Not before. A lot of progress happens in this stage. For some couples it is where most of the progress happens. What your therapist works on instead. Tell me about the drive home from the party. Not what it meant. What happened, in order. Who spoke first, and what did the other one do? When one of you cannot find the feeling. That is fine. Tell me what you were thinking instead. Or what you did next. Both of those count just as much. When the time comes to name it. I have noticed a pattern in what the two of you describe. I want to check whether it would be useful to talk about it, or whether you would rather keep working the way we have been. Either answer is fine. That last line only gets said when trust has been built. It is a question, not an announcement. Two things your therapist will not do. They will not team up with you to keep a secret about your partner. They will not treat your partner as the one who needs fixing. If you tell your therapist privately what you suspect, they will listen, and they will not carry it into the room as a hidden agenda. This is couples work. The question is always what happens between the two of you. The way this goes wrong. The partner who has the thought starts treating the sessions as a slow way of getting a professional to say it. Every example gets steered toward the word. Your therapist will notice, and will gently steer back to what actually happened. The word can wait. The pattern is what we are working on, and it is already on the table. Why we do it this way Thousands of neurodiverse couples have told us why this thought stays unsaid. The word autistic has been used about adults as shorthand for cold, or difficult, or an excuse. If that is the only way you have heard it used, offering it to someone you love feels like handing them an insult.1 That fear is about how the culture has used the word, not about your partner. There is also what you expect it to cost. Adults who already carry a diagnosis mostly expect to be treated differently for it, and the thing they run into most is being told it is not real.2 A thought that sits unsaid for years is not cowardice. It is a reasonable calculation. We do not force the word because the work does not need it. What we need is the specifics: what happened after the party, what a change of plan does, why the feeling would not come out. When strangers judge autistic adults, the research shows they judge the delivery, not the content. Given a written transcript of the same words, the harsh judgment disappears.3 In the room, the specifics are the transcript. Named too early, or because one partner wants it named, it can set the work back. Named when both of you trust the room, and when it would help, it can move the work forward a long way. Your therapist is reading the room for that moment. It is a judgment, and it is theirs to make. After the session There is no assignment to raise it. If you have the thought, keep working on the specifics with your partner and your therapist. Notice what you would want to be different even if the word never came up. That list is the real work. If you decide to raise it. The next module is about how. Read that one before you say anything, and never raise it in the middle of an argument. The one thing, if that is all you have. You do not have to say it. The work does not wait on the word. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. Nothing here has to be shared with anyone. The thought, if you have one Nobody sees this but you. It does not commit you to saying anything. Is there a thought like this in your house right now? — Yes, about my partner, Yes, about me, Yes, about both of us, No, I am not sure If you have not said it, what is the biggest reason? — I am afraid of the reaction, I am afraid they will pull away from therapy, I do not want to label anyone, I am not sure I am right, Something else The specifics This is what the work runs on, whether or not anyone ever uses a word for it. One thing that keeps happening between you that you would want to be different, described as what actually happens (not what it means) One thing your partner would probably say they want to be different in you Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion The practice's approach here, letting the thought sit and working with what comes into the room, comes from our own work with couples, not from a trial. The three findings the lesson leans on are about stigma and first impressions, and they explain the fear, not the method. The public picture of adult ADHD is a disruptive child scaled up.1 Adults with an ADHD diagnosis largely expect discrimination in daily life, and the commonest form is disbelief.2 Strangers rate autistic adults harshly from seconds of video and not at all from a transcript of the same words; that result has been reproduced across many studies.3 None of these studies involved couples, and none tested whether waiting to name a neurotype produces better outcomes. That part is clinical judgment. Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Peer-reviewed research 1. Godfrey E, Fuermaier ABM, Tucha L, Butzbach M, Weisbrod M, Aschenbrenner S, Tucha O (2021) Public perceptions of adult ADHD: Indications of stigma? Journal of Neural Transmission, 128(7), 993-1008 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s00702-020-02279-8 Survey of public perceptions of adult ADHD, finding that the lay picture resembles childhood ADHD (disruptive, inattentive) and carries stigma. Limitation: a general-population survey, not a study of couples or of disclosure. 2. Masuch TV, Bea M, Alm B, Deibler P, Sobanski E (2019) Internalized stigma, anticipated discrimination and perceived public stigma in adults with ADHD. ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 11(2), 211-220 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-018-0274-9 Adults with ADHD reported high anticipated discrimination in daily life; the most frequently reported public belief was that ADHD is not a real condition. Limitation: a clinical sample from one setting; self-report. 3. Sasson NJ, Faso DJ, Nugent J, Lovell S, Kennedy DP, Grossman RB (2017) Neurotypical peers are less willing to interact with those with autism based on thin slice judgments. Scientific Reports, 7, 40700 . https://doi.org/10.1038/srep40700 Non-autistic raters judged autistic adults less favorably from brief audio and video clips, but not from written transcripts of the same content. Limitation: strangers rating strangers in a lab; not a couple, and not a test of any session format. You do not have to say the word to start The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. If you have a thought about your partner you have never said, you can still start. We work with what comes into the room. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 6 — When We Do Talk About It All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

🌟Watching the Lightbulb Moment They lean into our virtual sessions, week after week, hungry for answers. Across five meetings, we dig deep—unpacking their background, running assessments, tracing threads of a life. A client, 54, grows restless, then riveted, as patterns emerge—intense focus on weather maps, avoiding scratchy clothes, scripting conversations ahead of time. Before we started meeting, he and his partner pegged him as “odd” or “private,” but now they’re buzzing with questions about their lives together. Each session stokes their curiosity, a mirror tilting to reflect a sharper image. Then, in the final assessment meeting, I say it: “You fit the criteria for autism,” soft but clear through the Zoom screen. Their eyes widen—it confirms what they’d started to suspect, yet it flips their world upside down. As their therapist, I watch this life-altering truth settle in, both anchor and earthquake. 😎 What Late-Life Diagnosis Really Means Late-life autism diagnosis hits well beyond childhood—think 30s, 40s, 50s, or even later. Kids today get flagged early, but for many of us, it’s a seismic adult awakening that reframes everything. 🧠 Beyond Childhood: A Fresh Frame Back in the ‘70s or ‘80s, your quirks—say, hating crowds—weren’t on anyone’s radar. You muscled through, maybe excelled, but always felt like an outsider. A late diagnosis flips the script: Were those “bad days” actually sensory storms? 📈 The Past Reborn It’s a mental time warp. You rethink awkward school dances, solo hobbies, quiet rebellions. Your childhood wasn’t a flaw—it was a signal, blazing all along. 🔥 How It Feels to See Your Past Anew A late-life diagnosis doesn’t tiptoe in. It’s a jolt, then a slow burn of recognition. The Click: That dread of noisy rooms? Not weakness—rather brain wiring. The Sting: You wonder why it took so long to name it. The Lift: You shed the shame of “not fitting” and own your difference. Clients leave our sessions stunned, then lighter. Your past isn’t a burden—it’s a badge. 🩺 Screeners: Your First Step to Clarity Curious if autism fits? Start with our tools at the Adult Autism Assessment Center. 🧩 Autism Screeners ● Quick, sharp questions to spot autistic traits—like focus depth or sensory quirks. ● Try it here: Autism Screeners. ⚡ ADHD Screeners ● Late-life autism often dances with ADHD—restlessness, hyperfocus, chaos. ● Check it out: ADHD Screeners . These aren’t diagnoses—just sparks. Our specialists take it from there. 🛠️ Interventions: How Our Specialists Help At the Adult Autism Assessment Center , we don’t slap a label and call it a day. Our specialists craft a therapeutic path that honors your autistic edge. 🌱 Reframing Your Life Family baffled by your need for quiet? We guide you: “I’m not rude—I’m resetting.” They learn your rhythm; you find your voice. 🎯 Tailored Fixes ● Swamped by a loud office? We build discreet breaks that work. ● Obsessed with puzzles? We turn it into fuel, not friction. We don’t overhaul you. We sharpen who you’ve always been. 🏋️♂️ Exercise: Rewriting Your Childhood Story Grab a notebook or your phone—let’s excavate your past. Answer these 6 steps to spark insight: Catch the Clue: What childhood trait—like lining up books—stands out now? Trace the Cover: How did you hide it—laughing it off, staying busy? Mark the Moment: When did you first feel “different” from the pack? Claim the Strength: What gift—like detail obsession—shone through? Face the Doubt: What’s tough about seeing your past this way? Step Forward: Tell one person an insight from this—try it this week. No pressure. It’s your history—own it. 🌈 The Takeaway: Your Past Isn’t Gone—It’s Alive A late-life autism diagnosis isn’t a delay; it’s a discovery. You’re not behind—you’re ahead, finally you. At the Adult Autism Assessment Center , our specialists don’t just see you—they get you. Let's explore your story together. Let's get started today! Warmly, Harry Motro Clinical Director, Adult Autism Assessment Center and Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center 🔦 Spotlight on Dre Meller Specialties AuDHD, Autism, ADHD Sex/Physical Intimacy Emotional Regulation Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse) Blended Families, Brainspotting Emotionally Focused Therapy LGBTQIA+ Communication Emotional Intimacy Trauma-Informed Life Experience AuDHD (Autistic + ADHD) therapist with firsthand experience navigating neurodivergence In a 21-year relationship with autistic partner; raising four neurodivergent children (ages 6–30) Deeply familiar with sensory needs, executive function challenges, and creative problem-solving at home Experienced in blended families, co-parenting after divorce, and maintaining connection through relational transitions Passionate advocate for neurodivergent individuals and couples—lives the experiences clients bring to therapy Regulates through movement and creativity: roller skating, hiking, music-making, gardening, and more Believes therapy should be flexible, inclusive, and tailored to each client’s unique neurotype Provides a safe, non-masking space where clients can explore relationships, identity, and life on their terms Learn more about Dre! Did you miss the last Blog? Click Here to Read Now! Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Cassie Clayton, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule with Cassie Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

The second part of the family-of-origin worksheets, and the session where it comes back as four questions instead of nine pages. Show the full module text Module 11 — The Family You Grew Up In Was Neurodiverse Too The session where the second part of the family-of-origin worksheets comes back, worked as four questions instead of nine pages. The family-of-origin worksheets have a second part. It asks about a childhood nobody was measuring: what you were like before anyone was looking, who understood you, and what you hid in order to belong. This module is about the session where those pages come back. What this is about The title of this module is a claim, and for most couples we work with it is true. Traits like these run in families. If one of you is autistic or ADHD, a parent or a grandparent probably was too, and nobody ever said so. That person still shaped the house you grew up in. The rules, what was tolerated, whose mood everyone watched: some of that was a nervous system nobody had a name for. The supplement. The second part of the family-of-origin worksheets is about that house. It comes after the family drawing and the wound session, and it is optional. It goes out when neurodivergence is already part of your story, when one of you is heading toward an assessment, or when one of you has always felt different and never had words for it. The pages ask about your family and where the differences show up in it. About your earliest years, your inner life and social life as a child who was different, and what you hid, shrank or performed in order to fit in. You write it alone. It can open memories that have never been named. You are told that before it is sent. What happens in the session Your therapist has read your pages before you arrive, so you are not watching a face while it reads about your childhood. In the room we do not work down the pages. We start with four questions, in this order. The four questions. 1. Joy. Which of the ways you were different felt like strengths? 2. Who understood. Who made you feel understood, and what did they actually do? 3. The off-switch. Was there anywhere you did not have to perform? 4. Your choice. Which of the hard things on the pages do you want to talk about today? With the answers, your therapist says the lineage out loud: where your own traits show up in the family you listed. Over time the two of you will go through all of the questions in the supplement, or at least a lot of them. These four are where it starts. The other pages are not thrown away; they are held for a session that has room for them. The Supplement Session 1 We start with the fact that you wrote it alone. Your therapist says it out loud: you wrote this by yourself, and some of it looks hard to write. We are not going through all of it today. Nothing is read aloud in front of your partner unless you choose it. 2 Questions one and two: joy, then who understood. Which of your differences felt like strengths? Many people have never been asked. Then: who made you feel understood, and what did they do? 3 Questions three and four: the off-switch, then your choice. Anywhere you could just be however you were? Then the page you choose, which can be any page. 4 What your therapist does with the answers. Says the lineage out loud, with a second half attached so the family pattern does not become an excuse. Then we close before you run out of capacity. If you are the partner listening, this session is not about you. Around page four you may think, wait, this is me too. Say so. It gets its own session, not twenty minutes of somebody else’s. Joy. Before we go anywhere near what was hard: which of the ways you were different felt like strengths? Which of them brought you joy? Who understood. You named somebody who made you feel understood. What did they actually do? Not who they were. What they did. The lineage, both halves. This clearly runs in your family. You were not the first one. You were the first one to have a name for it. And the other half, so it does not get misused: this is what you inherited, and it is still your relationship to run. The off-switch question The worksheet assumes home was where the mask came off. For many people it was. The answer that matters most is the one where it was not. It usually comes with a person attached: the parent whose mood the household ran on, the sibling who mocked. Often that parent was the one nobody identified. A person who has never had an off-switch anywhere will not have one in this marriage without something changing on purpose. So if the answer is nowhere, your therapist will say so. If the answer is somewhere, that place is the model: what made it safe, and can any of that be built here? By the standards of the people we work with, one room where the mask came off counts as a good childhood, and no room at all is more common than the page expects. Some pages come back mostly blank, especially the questions about your earliest years: late to talk, late to walk, a stretch when things went backwards. That is not avoidance. I don’t know is a complete answer, and better than a guess. Your therapist will ask who might know instead: a parent, an older sibling, a baby book, a school report. The way this goes wrong. The parent phone call goes wrong in a predictable way: the parent hears an accusation, because for that generation a question about early development is one. So say why before you ask: I am trying to fill in some things I was too young to remember. Nothing is wrong. I just realized I don’t know. Get what you can, stop when it turns, and bring what happened back to the room. Why we do it this way The first page asks who in your family was neurodivergent, and most people cannot answer it about anyone over fifty. That is not a hole in your memory. It is a hole in the record. In England, researchers estimate that about two in three autistic people have no diagnosis at all.1 Two researchers named the whole group in a title: the lost generation.2 In family language, those relatives survive as character, not condition. So the family page asks what a child could have seen. What they were called: difficult, highly strung, the one with nerves. What a child saw: what she could not stand, what he did at the same time every day. Children today get a name for it and their grandparents almost never did, so the blank next to your grandmother is a fact about the record, not about her. The frame we are building is lineage, not flaw. Thousands of neurodiverse couples have told us that the sentence something is wrong with me was written in childhood, and often not by a parent. Being bullied at school is close to routine for autistic children.3 Passing as typical is its own route to that belief, and it never needed anyone to say anything unkind.4 Why joy comes first. In the research, feeling accepted by the people around you goes most with doing well now.5 That is why the joy question opens the session and the who-understood question gets protected time. What that person did is usually small and specific, and something your partner could do now. When a person finds one of their own traits in two more relatives on the family page, something in their posture changes. Something is wrong with me. This is what my family is. We are careful how much we expect of that moment. Knowing sooner has not been shown to fix anything by itself. What the research points at is whether the people around you accepted it, and this room can change that. Why there is a second half. It runs in the family says where a trait came from, and nothing about what happens next. A partner who turns it into a reason nothing can change has taken the wrong thing from the session. So your therapist says the second half in the same breath as the first. After the session The grief lands late. Putting together a childhood nobody witnessed produces a specific grief: for a child nobody understood, and often for the adult life that would have been different. It arrives days or weeks after the session, and it does not look like sadness. It looks like flatness, irritability, or a sudden conviction that the therapy is not working. Now you both have a word for it, and your partner will not read it as a relapse. The workbook below is for the week after, not the session: the four answers as you would give them now, one question for the partner who found themselves on the pages, and how it has landed a few days on. If either of you ever pursues an assessment, these pages are the history an assessor needs, already gathered. That is never the reason for the session. Before you go on. The next module, Competing Sensory Needs, Then and Now , has its own worksheet. It is optional, like all of these. But if sensory issues were significant in the family you grew up in, we strongly recommend doing it. The one thing, if that is all you have. If the pages are more than you have this month, answer the joy question and the who-understood question and send those. Two answers is a complete return. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This one is for the week after the session, not the session itself. The four questions, as you would answer them now A week later the answers are often different from the ones in the room. Nobody sees these unless you bring them. Which of the ways you were different felt like strengths, or brought you joy? Who made you feel understood, and what did they actually do? Was there anywhere you did not have to perform, anywhere you could just be however you were? — Yes, and I can name where, Somewhere, sort of, Nowhere, I have never thought about it before If yes: where, and what made it safe Seeing your traits as part of a family pattern rather than a personal flaw: — Changed how I see myself, Changed it a little, Did not change anything, I do not see the pattern, Too early to say If you were the partner listening One question, and it is the one people do not say out loud. Somewhere on those pages, did you find yourself? — Yes, Maybe, No, I would rather not say yet A few days on Fill this in a few days after the session, not the same evening. A few days on, how has it landed? — Fine, Flat, Short-tempered, Sad, Relieved, Convinced this is not working Whatever it is, one line about it for the next session Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion Nothing on the nine pages is a validated instrument. It is a structured way of putting together an account of a childhood, kept in three kinds of ink: what you remember, what someone can confirm, and what nobody knows. The studies behind this module support the reasons for the questions, not the questions themselves. The undiagnosed figure comes from prospectively collected English primary-care records for one year, which is about as clean as this kind of count gets.1 The caution is geographic: it describes one country’s record-keeping. The lost-generation framing is a review, cited for the idea.2 That undiagnosed relatives survive in family language as character rather than condition is our observation, with no study behind the vocabulary. The bullying figure is pooled across seventeen studies, and the path from being bullied to a core belief is plausible rather than demonstrated.3 The camouflaging study is ninety-two people describing their own experience; it says what passing can cost, not how common the cost is.4 The acceptance study is one survey of 111 adults at a single point in time, so the direction is not established; it is quoted for the size of the association.5 The study Autism diagnoses in England, by age, in one year1 Who this research was done with. The couples studies behind most of this module drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Peer-reviewed research 1. O'Nions E, Petersen I, Buckman JEJ, Charlton R, Cooper C, Corbett A, Happe F, Manthorpe J, Richards M, Saunders R, Zanker C, Mandy W, Stott J (2023) Autism in England: Assessing underdiagnosis in a population-based cohort study of prospectively collected primary care data. The Lancet Regional Health - Europe, 29, 100626 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lanepe.2023.100626 Population-based cohort using prospectively collected English primary-care records. Diagnosed autism prevalence in 2018 was 2.94 per cent among 10-14-year-olds and 0.02 per cent among those aged 70 and over. The authors estimated that between 435,700 and 1,197,300 autistic people in England were undiagnosed, 59 to 72 per cent of the autistic population. Limitation: one country's record-keeping in one year; the undiagnosed estimate depends on assumptions about true prevalence, which is why it is a range. 2. Lai MC, Baron-Cohen S (2015) Identifying the lost generation of adults with autism spectrum conditions. The Lancet Psychiatry, 2(11), 1013-1027 . https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(15)00277-1 Review article naming and characterizing the cohort of adults who reached adulthood before autism was widely recognized and who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Limitation: a review, not a study, and cited here for the framing rather than for any figure. 3. Maiano C, Normand CL, Salvas MC, Moullec G, Aime A (2016) Prevalence of school bullying among youth with autism spectrum disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Autism Research, 9(6), 601-615 . https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.1568 Systematic review and meta-analysis of 17 studies of school bullying among autistic children and adolescents. Pooled prevalence of general victimization was about 44 per cent, and of verbal victimization about 50 per cent. Limitation: prevalence figures pooled across studies with different measures and settings, and the path from victimization to a later core belief is plausible rather than demonstrated by this study. 4. Hull L, Petrides KV, Allison C, Smith P, Baron-Cohen S, Lai MC, Mandy W (2017) 'Putting on my best normal': Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5 92 autistic adults described in their own words why they camouflaged, what it consisted of, and its consequences, analyzed thematically into a three-stage model: motivations (fitting in, connecting with others), techniques (masking and compensation), and consequences (exhaustion, challenging stereotypes, and threats to self-perception and identity, including feeling fake or losing a sense of self). Limitation: a qualitative study, so it describes what camouflaging can involve and cost; it cannot say how common any of it is. 5. Cage E, Di Monaco J, Newell V (2018) Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7 Survey of 111 autistic adults measuring perceived acceptance from others, personal acceptance of their autism, and depression, anxiety and stress. In the regression model, external acceptance and personal acceptance together predicted 52.1 per cent of the variance in depression scores. Limitation: cross-sectional, so the direction of the relationship is not established, and a single self-report sample. A childhood nobody was measuring, taken seriously The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. The neurodiversity supplement is read before you arrive and worked as four questions, and nothing you wrote is read aloud unless you choose it. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 12 — Competing Sensory Needs, Then and Now All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

Have you ever felt like you’ve been living life on autopilot, only to be jolted awake by a surprising discovery? Imagine finding out, after decades, that the quirks and challenges you or your partner face have a name: Autism . This revelation can be both liberating and overwhelming, especially for couples. Let’s dive into how a late-life autism diagnosis can impact your neurodiverse relationship and ways to navigate this new chapter together. 💡 The Late-Life Diagnosis Shockwave 🔍 Understanding the Revelation Imagine living your entire life without knowing why certain things felt so different or challenging. A diagnosis later in life can be a game-changer, offering clarity and a new perspective. For couples, this can explain years of misunderstandings and frustrations, suddenly making sense of those "puzzle pieces" that never quite fit. 💬 A Real-Life Story (with names changed) Meet Jane and Mike, married for 30 years. Jane had long suspected that Mike might be on the autism spectrum, often hinting at her suspicions. When their child was diagnosed with autism, it prompted Mike to seek a diagnosis at 55. Jane felt a mix of validation and frustration, often thinking, "I knew it all along." Mike, on the other hand, grappled with feelings of shame and regret, wondering why it took him so long to figure it out. With the help of one of our neuro-informed therapists, their journey of rediscovery was filled with moments of empathy, patience, and renewed connection. Instead of trying to "fix" Mike, they focused on finding new ways to interact while learning to accept each other's way of being and thinking. 📊 Eye-Opening Statistics In a SPARK Study involving over 22,000 autistic adults and 102,000 children, about 50% of the autistic adults were diagnosed when they were older than 17, some in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Some sought a diagnosis for themselves after their child was diagnosed with autism. Other adults benefited from a public awareness of autism that did not exist when they were growing up. If you or someone you care for is interested in pursuing a diagnosis, we encourage you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Center for more information and support. 🚀 Actionable Steps for Couples 📚 Educate Yourselves Dive into resources about adult autism. Knowledge is power and can help you understand each other better. Recommended reads: " The Autism Couple’s Workbook " by Maxine Aston, " Neurodiverse Relationships " by Joanna Stevenson. 💬 Open Dialogue Regular check-ins with each other. Ask open-ended questions like, “How can I better understand how you think and what you need?" Create a safe space for honest conversations, free from interruptions. 🌈 Embrace the Journey Focus on strengths. Celebrate the unique qualities that each partner brings to the relationship. Develop new routines that accommodate both partners' needs. Flexibility and compromise are vital. 💬 Accept and Adapt Resist the urge to "fix" your autistic partner. Instead, find new ways to communicate and connect, embracing each other's unique traits and perspectives. Valuing these differences can enrich your bond. Remember, this journey is uniquely yours. Embrace it with compassion, curiosity, and love. Our team of neuro-informed couples counselors and assessments specialists would love to be on the journey with you! Until next week, Harry Dr. Harry Motro , LMFT, Clinical Director Founder Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Whitney Pressley, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule with Whitney Do You Struggle to Recognize and Express Emotions? Want to see if your behavior is consistent with alexithymia? We invite you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Site and Take the Alexithymia Test Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Neurodiverse Communication TIP: Want answers fast? Check out our 📄 Quick Guide on Communication in Neurodiverse Relationships for key facts, FAQs , and why you should choose us. SPEAKING DIFFERENT LANGUAGES? Why do we feel like we are speaking different languages when we try to talk to each other? Do your partner's words sound like "blah blah blah...", where you are not really hearing each other? What hijacks our ability to communicate effectively? Do your conversations sound like: Tammy: "Look at me when I talk to you." Tim: "I am trying to but you're not making any sense. You said to walk the dog as soon as I felt like it. I never felt like it." Tammy: "You know that the dog needs a walk every day." Tim: "But you never said that." Tammy: "I've said that a million times. You just don't listen." I don't know of ONE neurodiverse couple who doesn't fall into this type of communication trap.. The root issue is: "We don't see the world the way the world is...we see the world the way WE are". We will continue to miscommunicate until we become aware of our different COMMUNICATION STYLES. WHAT'S YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE? The neurodiverse and neurotypical communication styles can be broken down as follows: Logical vs. Emotional Concrete vs Abstract Absolutist vs. Relative Avoidant vs. Insistent Furthermore, we send and receive information through the following filters : our expectations and stereotypes, our wounds or defensiveness, our past experiences, and our mood at the moment. It is clear that many powerful forces color the way we hear our partner and express ourselves. COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES Our therapists are equipped with special tools and strategies to support you as you learn to communicate across the neurodivide. Some of the common strategies include: RECOGNIZE PATTERNS WITHOUT BLAME As a result of communication style differences and personal filters (as mentioned above), every couple will eventually fall into unproductive communication patterns. The first step to work on the unproductive pattern is to take an honest look at the pattern WITHOUT blaming each other. We encourage the framework to be: the " couple versus the pattern" , as opposed to " me against you ". With this team approach, the couple will learn how to describe the pattern in a clear way so they both agree what's happening. Next, they learn to recognize when the pattern starts and how to pause together and notice it. And, then they commit to ways to change the pattern when it happens in real life. CREATE TIME TO PROCESS Autism Spectrum (AS) partners often require additional time to process the issue at hand, especially if change is associated with the topic. To lessen the impact of processing times, the couples should collaborate to lessen the pressure for a quick response. An example of this could include sharing topics in advance. Also, talk times should be scheduled so that each partner has the energy to fully engage in the conversation. BITE-SIZED CONVERSATIONS Neurodiverse couples often need structure in their communications. Although this may initially seem cumbersome, many couples save HUGE amounts of time over the long term by communicating well up front. An example of breaking communication into steps is as follows: understanding the other's point of view, exploring the other partner's point of view, being clear about the feelings involved, being clear about the goal or request, brainstorming options, agreeing to try an approach, reviewing how it went, and affirming each other's efforts throughout the process. STARTING WELL Neurodiverse couples do well to avoid criticism and defensive . To do so, before you jump into the content of the conversation, introduce your topic with: a clear statement of your intention to be constructive , and your commitment to place a higher importance on the relationship than individual issues. Agree that you will pause the conversation if one person feels criticized. If the criticism/defensiveness pattern happens, reassure the partner and address these feelings before resuming the talk about content. BE CLEAR ABOUT DESIRES Let go of the fantasy that your partner should read your mind. "Theory of Mind" is regularly over-estimated in a typical relationship and even more problematic in a neurodiverse one. We encourage you to think of a strong relationship as one where: each person knows what they need, each partner can express that need with kindness and clarity to the other partner, the other partner truly considers it, the other partner lets the person making the request KNOW that he/she considered it, and the other partner feels free to explore and negotiate the request and then say yes or no. PUT IT IN WRITING By the way, clarity is often served by putting thoughts and feelings in writing. Many couples find it helpful to write out your thoughts before a conversation and, after reflecting on those thoughts, read them to your partner. Also, it can be helpful to take notes when listening. FIND TIME TO TALK If you rarely talk to each other, we suggest that you turn your communication into a new set of "habits" . The couple can work together to systematically build conversation into your daily routine. This may start out feeling forced but, with practice, will begin to feel organic and rewarding. Begin this process by making small adjustments to your schedules. Block regular times on your calendar (every day). Find bits of downtime and commit to talking to each other. Don't do this too fast because that may lead you to feel overly discouraged by inevitable failures. Rather, go slow and have small successes that encourage you. Examples of "small" ways to communication include: Agree to 3-minute greetings when you depart in the morning (even if you are working in the same house and going to different rooms). Pick one meal per day and have each person initiate a conversation on a topic. Get up 10 minutes earlier than usual so you can share your plans for that day. If you watch TV together, after it ends, take 10 minutes to share your thoughts about the show. For 10 minutes before going to sleep, try some ‘pillow talk’ to share thoughts that are sitting with you as you end your day. NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION There is a well-known quote that says: "Someone with Autism has taught me that love needs no words." In the midst of learning all the skills discussed above, please remember that there are many ways to love someone. We hope that you always remain open to all kinds of expressions of love and appreciation. DOUBLE EMPATHY PROBLEM The Double Empathy Problem is a concept that has been gaining more attention in recent years, particularly in relation to Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It refers to the idea that both neurotypical individuals and autistic individuals may struggle to understand each other’s perspectives, leading to communication breakdowns and misunderstandings. ORIGINS The Double Empathy Problem was first proposed by Damian Milton, a researcher and autistic activist, in his 2012 paper “On the Ontological Status of Autism: The ‘Double Empathy Problem’”. Milton argued that the traditional approach to autism research and intervention, which focuses on identifying and treating deficits in autistic individuals, fails to take into account the role of social and cultural context in shaping communication and interaction. According to Milton, both neurotypical and autistic individuals have their own unique sets of social and communicative norms, and failure to understand and accommodate for these differences can lead to mutual misunderstandings. IMPLICATIONS FOR AUTISM The Double Empathy Problem has important implications for how we think about and approach autism. One of the key implications is that interventions that focus solely on changing autistic behavior and communication may not be effective in improving social interactions with neurotypical individuals. Instead, it may be necessary to work on improving understanding and accommodation of autistic communication styles and social norms by neurotypical individuals as well. Furthermore, the Double Empathy Problem challenges the traditional notion that autistic individuals are inherently deficient in social skills or empathy. Rather, it suggests that social communication difficulties may arise from a lack of mutual understanding and accommodation between individuals with different communication styles and norms. OUR APPROACH In order to address the Double Empathy Problem, we propose. These include: Increasing your awareness: Raising your awareness about the Double Empathy Problem and the unique communication styles and social norms of autistic individuals can help to improve understanding and accommodation by neurotypical partners Collaborative communication: Encouraging collaborative communication and co-construction of meaning, where both parties work together to create shared understanding, can help to bridge communication gaps and reduce misunderstandings. Neurodiversity acceptance: Embracing neurodiversity and recognizing the value of different communication styles and social norms can help to promote greater understanding and accommodation of our autistic partners. GETTING STARTED We would love to create a safe place for you to break the painful patterns of the past and communicate in a new way. Please fill out our contact form and we will be glad to connect you with one of our team members. Meet with our Client Care Coordinator Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel