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Why the @$%# Did My Autistic Husband Cheat on Me?

The Harsh Reality of Betrayal

💔 A Crushing Discovery

Imagine the heart-wrenching moment a wife discovers her autistic husband's affair.

This betrayal slices through her heart, prompting painful questions: 

"If he seldom makes love to me or even talks to me, why is he buying flowers for someone else?" 

This stark revelation exposes the complex emotional dynamics often hidden within neurodiverse marriages, where typical signals of affection and connection might not align.

🤔 Why Cheat?

Infidelity in neurodiverse relationships can stem from various issues, such as emotional withdrawal, sexual challenges exacerbated by sensory processing issues, and a fundamental lack of emotional understanding or connectivity.

These factors can drive an autistic partner to seek fulfillment outside the marriage, not as a rejection but as a misguided attempt to meet unmet needs.

Take, for example, an affair that blossoms over a shared work project. This scenario, where structured interactions based on professional interests combine with intermittent meetings, might provide an easier, less emotionally demanding connection for an autistic individual.

For them, such an affair could seem more manageable than the ongoing emotional demands of a full-blown romantic relationship.

Nonetheless, it is critically important to understand the underlying causes of the betrayal to be able to move toward healing. 

Steps Towards Healing

🚦Crisis Management  

The aftermath of an affair can unleash profound emotional trauma, with the betrayed partner often suffering the most through symptoms like intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance, and sleeplessness, engulfed in feelings of betrayal, shame, and loss.

Thus, we immediately initiate the healing process by establishing vital communication tools to ensure both partners are heard, managing trauma with techniques such as mindfulness and deep breathing, and setting clear boundaries around personal interactions and privacy. 

Our crisis management checklist ensures that the affair has ended and determines who should be informed about the betrayal and who should not.

It also includes practical measures such as STD testing to safeguard physical health.

Through these comprehensive strategies, we guide each couple step-by-step, establishing stability and facilitating the path to recovery.

🔍 Exploring Underlying Causes 

Clearly, neurodiversity does not excuse cheating.

Every individual, regardless of neurological makeup, must uphold the integrity and commitments of their relationship.

Using neurological differences as a justification for infidelity disrespects the many who strive daily to navigate their relationships with integrity. 

Investigating the motivations behind the affair requires examining personal histories and the specific dynamics within the relationship that may have contributed to the breach.

This thorough exploration is crucial for understanding the full scope of issues involved.

🗣️ Owning the Betrayal

The partner who engaged in the affair must take a proactive step in fully acknowledging not just the actions they took but also the profound pain these actions have caused.

Although this emotional step may be difficult for an autistic partner, this acknowledgment is the cornerstone of genuine repentance and is critical before any meaningful healing can begin. 

It's not just about saying sorry; it's about understanding and conveying the depth of the emotional fallout that has occurred.

This process involves deep self-reflection and an open, honest dialogue where the impact of their actions is thoroughly addressed.

📝 Plan for Change

Building on this foundation of acknowledgment, the next crucial step is to develop a comprehensive plan aimed at mending the broken trust.

This plan should be specifically tailored to address the unique aspects of the relationship, including considerations for neurodiversity which might have influenced relational dynamics and contributed to the affair.

For instance, if feelings of rejection from childhood played a role, this should be built into the recovery strategy.

Committing to change involves engaging in trust-building activities that are responsive to the underlying causes. 

🚶‍♂️ Guided Recovery Journey 

Recovery from infidelity is a complex and lengthy process that can offer tremendous healing.

Our neuro-informed counselors are prepared to guide you through this difficult journey.

All the best,


Dr. Motro is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist #53452 and the Founder/Clinical Director of the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center.



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