The Untangled Web: Is It Autism? Is It Trauma? (And Why Getting It Wrong Hurts Your Relationship)
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
By Harry Motro, Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center
autism vs trauma in relationships
Picture this scenario. It’s one we see in our intake sessions almost every day.
A couple sits on the couch. The Neurotypical partner is exhausted. They say:
"He shuts down the moment I bring up anything emotional. It’s like a wall goes up. I think he has an avoidant attachment from his childhood."
The partner sits next to them, looking overwhelmed, eyes darting away. He says:
"I don't know why I do it. I just... freeze. My brain goes blank. I can't hear the words anymore."
Is this a trauma response? Is it a "freeze" state triggered by a fear of conflict?
Or is it an Autistic shutdown? A neurological preservation mechanism triggered by sensory and emotional flood?
On the surface, they look exactly the same.
But treating an Autistic shutdown like a trauma response is like trying to fix a software bug with a hammer. It won't work, and it usually causes more damage.
In the world of neurodiverse relationships, the confusion between Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is one of the biggest roadblocks to healing.
Let’s untangle the wires.
The "Chicken or the Egg" Problem
Why is this so confusing?
Because the human nervous system has a limited number of ways to say "I am overwhelmed."
Whether your brain is wired differently (Autism) or your brain has been injured by experience (Trauma), the external behaviors often mirror each other. We call this Diagnostic Overshadowing—when one condition is so prominent that it hides the other.
Research shows that clinicians and partners often confuse the two because of these shared symptoms:
Social Withdrawal: Pulling away from people.
Emotional Dysregulation: Meltdowns or explosions of anger.
Hyper-vigilance: Being constantly "on guard" or anxious.
Repetitive Behaviors: Stimming (Autism) vs. Fidgeting/Agitation (Trauma).
Difficulty with Eye Contact: Sensory overwhelm (Autism) vs. Shame/Fear (Trauma).
But while the behaviors are the same, the blueprints driving them are radically different.
The Breakdown: The "Why" Matters More Than the "What"
To help your relationship, you have to move past the behavior and look at the function. You have to ask: What is this behavior doing for the nervous system?
Here is how we differentiate the two in the therapy room.
1. The Timeline: "Born With It" vs. "Acquired"
Autism is Neurodevelopmental. It is a hardware difference. It has been there since birth. Even if it was "masked" or hidden, the traits were present in childhood. The sensitivity to tags on clothes, the deep focus on specific interests, the social confusion—it’s a consistent thread through the person's entire life.
Trauma is Acquired. Trauma is an injury. It has a specific onset. There is a "before" and an "after." While complex trauma (CPTSD) from childhood can look developmental, we usually see fluctuations. Trauma symptoms often wax and wane depending on triggers, whereas Autistic traits are generally stable across time and context.
2. The Anatomy of "The Shutdown"
This is the most common conflict point in couples.
The Autistic Shutdown:
This is a battery failure. The Autistic brain processes sensory and social data at a higher intensity. When the input exceeds the processing capacity, the system goes offline to prevent damage. It isn't necessarily fear-based; it is physiological.
The Internal Monologue: "Too much noise. Too many words. System overheating. Must disconnect to reboot."
The Trauma "Freeze": This is a safety mechanism. The brain perceives a threat (a raised voice, a specific tone) that reminds it of past danger. It dissociates to survive the moment.
The Internal Monologue: "I am not safe. If I speak, I will be hurt. Disappear. Be invisible."
Why this matters for the couple: If your partner is in an Autistic shutdown, they need sensory quiet and time. If your partner is in a Trauma freeze, they may need co-regulation and safety cues.
3. The Need for Routine
Both Autistic people and Traumatized people often crave control and routine. But again, the why is different.
Autism: Routine feels good. It is intrinsically rewarding. "I line up these books because the order feels satisfying and right." It generates dopamine.
Trauma: Routine feels safe. It is anxiety-reducing. "I check the locks three times because if I don't, something bad might happen." It prevents cortisol spikes.
The Double Whammy: When It’s Both
Here is where we have to be really careful.
Autistic people are at a significantly higher risk for trauma.
Think about it. Growing up in a world that constantly invalidates your sensory experience, forces you to make eye contact when it hurts, and punishes you for social errors you didn't understand—that is traumatic.
A 2025 meta-analysis found that Autistic individuals report significantly higher rates of PTSD than the general population. The "Double Empathy Problem" suggests that the mismatch between Autistic and Allistic communication styles can lead to repeated experiences of rejection and misunderstanding, which accumulate as "micro-traumas."
So, your partner might be Autistic and have trauma from years of being undiagnosed and misunderstood.
What This Means for Your Relationship
If you are the Neurotypical partner, you might feel like you are walking on eggshells. You might be misinterpreting your partner's need for routine as "controlling," or their sensory shutdown as "stonewalling."
If you are the Neurodivergent partner, you might feel broken. You might have spent years in traditional talk therapy trying to "heal" your Autism, thinking it was trauma.
You cannot "heal" a neurotype. You can only understand it.
But you can heal trauma.
The Solution: Get the Map Right
If you are stuck in this loop, here is your plan of action:
Stop Guessing. If you are debating whether it's "won't" or "can't," you need data.
Look at the Sensory Profile. High sensory sensitivity is a hallmark of Autism that is less central in pure PTSD (though hyperarousal exists in both). If the "triggers" are often lights, sounds, or textures, lean toward investigating Neurodivergence.
Validate the Biology. Whether it's wiring or a wound, the experience is real. Stop fighting the reality of the nervous system.
Next Steps
We specialize in this differentiation. We don't just ask "How does that make you feel?" We look at the data. We look at the history. We are trauma-trained and neuro-informed.
If this post felt like reading a page out of your diary, let’s talk.
Warmly,
Harry Motro
Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center
© 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers.
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References & Further Reading
Al-Attar, Z., & Worthington, R. E. (2024). Trauma or autism? Understanding how the effects of trauma and disrupted attachment can be mistaken for autism. Advances in Autism. Link to Study
Haruvi-Lamdan, N., et al. (2020). Autism spectrum disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder: An unexplored co-occurrence of conditions. Autism. Link to Study
Kerns, C. M., et al. (2024). The Assessment and Treatment of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in Autistic People: A Systematic Review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. Link to Study
Lobregt-van Buuren, E., et al. (2021). Autism, Adverse Events, and Trauma. In Autism Spectrum Disorders. Exon Publications. Link to Study
Mansour, H., et al. (2025). Prevalence of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in autistic children or young people (CYP) and adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review. Link to Study
Stavropoulos, K. K. M., et al. (2018). Differential Diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Two Clinical Cases. Journal of Clinical Medicine. Link to Study
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