Are You Sick and Tired of Being "Good" Just to Please Your Partner?

Updated: May 4

Well, you're not alone. In fact, most neurodiverse couples start out working really hard at being "GOOD" for each other.

The "being good" cycle starts when the neurodivergent partner masks his natural behavior in order to satisfy his neurotypical partner.

Let's say the neurotypical partner pleads: "Give me more affection."

The neurodiverse partner then tries to muster up the energy to show more affection.

Meanwhile, they tell their partner: "Stop nagging me."

So, the neurotypical partner holds everything in and stops sharing her needs.

This usually works for a while, till it doesn't. That's when everything falls apart.

Unfortunately, forcing good behavior masks the deeper differences between both partners. With this dynamic, couples feel misunderstood, exhausted and lonely.

After trying so hard to be good, you may wonder, "Does my partner value me just the way I am?"

If you focus all your energy on being "good", resentment builds and you won't feel loved for JUST BEING YOU.

Rather than trying harder, acceptance should be the first goal.

Acceptance is way beyond working on love languages or communication skills. These are essential skills, but they come AFTER feeling accepted.

In neurodiverse couples counseling, we explore differences in strength-based, non-shaming ways. This leads to more understanding and acceptance. The fortunate paradox is that, once you feel accepted, it is massively easier to change in ways that meet your partner's needs.

You just need a neuro-informed couples specialist to help you shift from "trying so hard to be good" to true acceptance.

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All the best,

Harry

Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT, PsyD

Dr. Motro is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist #53452 and the Founder/Clinical Director of the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center.