Helpful resources on autism, ADHD, neurodiverse couples counseling, Cassandra Syndrome, and skills training — curated by our affirming clinicians. LEARN MORE ABOUT NEURODIVERSITY INFORMATION OVERLOAD It is easy to fall into the deep hole of the internet to research neurodiversity and never come out. THERAPIST AS GUIDE One way to become informed is to soak in some information, process it with your therapist, and then see what makes sense to you. COUPLES CONTENT LIBRARY Visit our Content Library to access additional exercises and information. Your therapist can help you toward resources that may be a good fit for you. For now, here are a few touchstones of organized content. Neuro-Informed Websites Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com Adult Autism Assessment Center www.adult-autism-assessment.com She Rocks the Spectrum www.sherocksthespectrum.com Therapy 4 Autistic Men www.therapy4autisticmen.com Parenting Autism Therapy Center www.parentingautismtherapycenter.com Believing Cassandra (for Neurotypical Partner) www.believing-cassandra.com Neurodiverse Couples Retreat www.neurodiverse-retreat.com Books to INSPIRE you These books contain deep insights about being different. They will make you laugh, cry and learn. Enjoy: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend: A Novel Paperback by Matthew Dicks The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius by Gail Saltz Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's by John Elder Robison We're Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation by Eric Garcia Books to INFORM you. These books are about making a neurodiverse relationship work. They can be hopeful and discouraging. Reading the books will help a little but most couples need to have an experienced professional walk you through the healing and growth process. Aspergers in Love, Maxine Aston Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome, Eva A. Mendes Going Over the Edge? Practical Steps to Savings You and Your Relationship, Kathy J. Marshack Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships, Ashley Stanford Alone Together, Katrin Bentley Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy, Louise Weston Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner, Cindy Ariel PhD 22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome, Rudy Simone The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder), Tony Attwood Neurodiversity Network https://www.neurodiversitynetwork.net/articles-websites Neurodiversity Hub https://www.neurodiversityhub.org/ Different Brains https://www.differentbrains.org/resources/ Vanderbilt University https://www.vanderbilt.edu/autismandinnovation/neurodiversity-reading-list/ Exceptional Individuals https://exceptionalindividuals.com/neurodiversity/ Neurodiversity at Work https://ndpathways.org/neurodiversity-overview/ Autism Spectrum News https://autismspectrumnews.org/the-superpowers-of-neurodiverse-couples/ Tony Attwood's home page http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ AANE (Asperger’s Association of New England) http://www.aane.org Autism Women’s Network, Inc http://autismwomensnetwork.org Here are some helpful blogosts, podcasts and articles: GENERAL Neurodiverse Love - Support Groups and Podcast How an Evaluation for Autism Can Reduce Anxiety in Your Relationship The Top 5 Things People in Neurodiverse Couples Should Know Embracing neurodiversity in relationships Are You in a Neurodivergent Marriage? Tips for Women in Relationships with Partners on the Autism Spectrum Lessons from an Aspergers-NT Marriage Neurodiverse PARTNER An Aspie’s Perspective on Neurodiverse Marriage What's so special about a Special Interest? Rules to live by Eye Contact: the Conversation within the Conversation Asking for Help Perfectionism Catastrophizing Sucks! Saying No Neurotypical PARTNER What I've learned in a Decade of Marriage Neurodiverse Marriage: How to Love a Partner with Autism Five Suggestions For Communicating With Your Asperger’s Partner What to do when your partner has Asperger’s syndrome “We need to embrace those who are different and the bullies need to be the ones who get off the bus,.” Caren Zucker, co-author of “In a Different Key”

Meet the neurodiversity-affirming therapists and coaches at Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, supporting autism, ADHD, and AuDHD relationships.

Wondering if your partner might be autistic? Skip the pressure of a diagnosis. Use our relationship-focused trait screeners to gain clarity, understanding, and connection. You’ve been wondering for a while. You ’ve read a few articles. Listened to a podcast. And now the question is sitting quietly in your mind— Is my partner autistic? But you haven’t said it out loud. Not to him. Not yet. You’re afraid it’ll sound like a diagnosis. Or a criticism. So you keep it to yourself, feeling stuck. Here’s the good news— You don’t have to start with a label. You can start with traits. Does your partner take things literally? Avoid emotional conversations? Struggle with physical affection? Collapse after socializing? Seem distant during intimacy? Get easily overwhelmed by light, sound, or change? Feel crushed by criticism or rejection? These patterns are real. They’re measurable. You can ask him to take our "trait" screeners.It ’s often easier than asking him to take an autism test. You don’t need to say “I think you’re autistic.” You can just say, “ These traits show up in our relationship . I’d love to understand them better.” That invitation can lower defenses. It’s not about judgment. It’s about clarity. We offer screeners that help identify the traits behind the behavior —Without pressure. Without jumping to conclusions. We offer a full range of screeners to explore autistic traits: CAT-Q – Camouflaging RBQ-2A – Repetitive behaviors and mental loops EDA-QA – Demand avoidance and control-seeking Monotropism Questionnaire – Deep focus and difficulty multitasking We also look at emotions: TAS-20 – Alexithymia , trouble identifying your own emotions OAQ-G2 – A second lens on alexithymia And we go deeper into areas that impact relationships: ABTI-24 – Burnout ASIM-24 – Sexual intimacy RSD-24 – Rejection sensitivity These tools don’t define a person. They help explain what’s happening. They give couples new language. You don’t need to chase a diagnosis to make progress . Start with traits. Start with clarity. Go deeper: Module 14, Your Spiky Profile , in our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program, looks at traits as a mix of strengths and support needs, no label required. And when you’re ready, We’ll help you turn insight into change. Click here to schedule a free consultation. Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Get Matched with a Therapist © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. 🔦 Spotlight on Maring Hinga Specialties Neurodiverse Couples Autism, ADHD, AuDHD Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse) Blended Families Cassandra Syndrome Support Somatic Therapies Internal Family Systems Trauma healing Life Experience Lived through a neurodiverse marriage that ended in divorce, gaining firsthand insight into the challenges of misaligned communication, emotional rhythms, and unmet needs. Over a decade into a new, hard-earned partnership, navigating the ongoing work of blending families, healing old wounds, and choosing connection over comfort—even when it’s hard. Brings real-world empathy to couples work, shaped by personal experience with both disconnection and deep repair, offering grounded support instead of quick fixes. Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #145908, Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452 Get Booked with Maring Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Support for autistic men moving from shame to self-acceptance. Learn to honor your differences while building a relationship that works for you both. Autistic Men FROM SHAME TO ACCEPTANCE “Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.” ― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback FIRST PRIORITY Our first priority is to be able to see the beauty of our differences . This journey may require rethinking a life of experiencing negative messages from society. This rethinking process must operate in the background of all the more tactical work that is done as it is critical to be able to show up in a way that is less defensive and more whole. SECOND PRIORITY Once this primary work is underway, a secondary goal of many of our autistic clients is to increase the ability to meet the needs of the neurotypical partner AND, at the same time, stay true to himself . It is a delicate balance, one that our therapy team will support you in. Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel EXAMPLE THERAPY ROADMAP When we work together, we will review the list below and together construct a session-by-session roadmap of our work together. STRENGTHS Identify your strengths and build a plan on how to leverage them in your relationship. Make peace with your Asperger traits. SENSORY PROCESSING Understand your sensory processing system. In basic terms, your sensory processing system is how your brain detects, prioritizes, and remembers what is happening around you and inside of you. Explore strategies to manage your sensory sensitivities so you can express them to your partner and build a management plan together. Learn ways to recognize, decompress, and communicate with your partner when you reach sensory overload/overwhelm and enter " defense mode". NON-LITERAL THINKING Learning alternatives to literal thinking and deciphering non-verbal communication . Executive Function Addressing executive function issues which may exist. “Tuning out” is a typical coping strategy of an autism profile. When this happens, one's partner understandably does not feel acknowledged or listened to. We explore lots of ways to address the needs of both partners to increase connection without overwhelming either partner. More specifically, we typically work on: Planning and organization skills Initiating tasks Multi-tasking versus one task at a time Self-monitoring Completing undesirable tasks Setting and communicating timetables We're here to help. Contact Us Now! PARTNERSHIP MINDSET Shifting one's worldview from a “ bachelor state of mind” to one of partnership or parent. Clearly identify differences in your primary relationship and ways to bridge the gap. Set your relationship goals that are consistent with your values and identity Prioritize Change Identify the absolutely most important behaviors and/or traits you want to work on because they are valuable to both of you (not all of them!). CONCRETE ACTION PLAN Build a plan to break goals into understandable concrete steps and a timetable for action that does not feel pressured. Determine the best approach for each skill/goal ; whether to learn by rote, by deeper understanding or by trial and error. Have a social skills mentor / accountability partner (not your partner!) Practice, practice, practice Learn how to collect and accept feedback (without freaking out or feeling shame, criticism or defensiveness). Once you've met initial goals, add a long-term maintenance plan to your roadmap. Learn to genuinely enjoy the journey. The efforts put in by the autistic partner are usually greatly appreciated by the neurotypical partner. That is why integrated therapy (couples plus individual therapy) can be so powerful. Go deeper: Our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program gives you both a shared language for this work, including Module 16, Who I Am, in My Own Words . Wondering if you have Autistic traits? Curious about how autism may shape your experiences as a man? Take our Autism Screener to explore traits, gain insights, and access resources tailored to your unique strengths and challenges. The button below will take you to our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment . There, you'll be able to take our Free Online Adult Autism Screener and gain further insight. Adult Autism Screener In addition to support from the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, we now have a site, Therapy 4 Autistic Men , dedicated to the unique needs of autistic men. Here, we: provide autism-focused & neurodivergent-affirming therapy help you feel safe, supported, and heard with compassion work with you to reduce anxiety, depression, masking & autistic burnout help with Autism, ADHD, and Sensory Processing Disorder (diagnosis available) work to lift self-esteem offer solutions for family conflict share strategies for work or school support for LGBTQIA+, transgender, nonbinary, and BIPOC clients offer support groups to help men find serenity and reduce frustration Our team members are: autistic and allistic (both perspectives can be helpful), men and women (yes, some of our male clients prefer a female therapist), athiest, agnostic, spiritual, people with deep faith, and single, divorced, in a committed relationship and married. Please feel free to get in touch via our contact form . Meet with our Client Care Coordinator Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

ADHD in adult women is often missed or misdiagnosed. Learn the overlooked signs, from forgetfulness to emotional dysregulation, and how therapy can help. ADHD Women THE OVERLOOKED SYMPTOMS OF ADHD IN WOMEN Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects people of all genders and ages, but the symptoms in adult women often go unrecognized or misdiagnosed. This is due to a lack of understanding about how ADHD manifests in women and the assumption that it only affects boys and men. The symptoms of ADHD in women can include forgetfulness, distractibility, disorganization, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation. Women with ADHD are often labeled as “scatter-brained” or “flaky,” but these symptoms can have a significant impact on their daily lives and relationships. UNDERSTANDING ADHD SYMPTOMS IN WOMEN AND CELEBRATING THEIR STRENGTHS It is important to note that ADHD is not just a disorder of deficits and challenges, but also of strengths and positives. Many women with ADHD possess unique talents and abilities, such as creativity, resilience, and adaptability. They are often highly intuitive, compassionate, and empathetic. Women with ADHD are also known for their ability to hyper-focus on tasks that they find interesting or enjoyable, leading to great success in areas they are passionate about. Our therapists recognize and celebrate these strengths while working with clients to manage their symptoms and build on their talents. Through therapy, women with ADHD can learn to channel their strengths and manage their challenges to achieve success and fulfillment in all areas of their lives. MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT WOMEN WITH ADHD There are many misconceptions about ADHD that prevent women from receiving the support they need. For example, ADHD is often stereotyped as a disorder that only affects young boys and is associated with hyperactivity. In r e ality, many women with ADHD may not have been diagnosed until adulthood , as their symptoms can be less visible than those of men and may manifest in different ways. Moreover, ADHD is not just about hyperactivity, but also involves difficulties with attention, impulsivity, and executive functioning. Unfortunately, these misconceptions can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation among women with ADHD. At our therapy site, we strive to educate our clients and the broader community about the realities of ADHD in women, and work to dispel harmful myths and stereotypes. We believe that everyone deserves access to accurate information and compassionate support. Curious if your experiences align with ADHD traits in women? Take a Free ADHD Screener THERAPEUTIC APPROACHES FOR WOMEN WITH ADHD We offer a range of therapeutic approaches for women with ADHD, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based approaches, and coaching. CBT is particularly effective for ADHD, as it helps clients to identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors that contribute to ADHD symptoms. We also provide practical tools and resources to help clients manage their symptoms on a day-to-day basis. A HOLISTIC APPROACH TO ADHD THERAPY Our therapists take a holistic approach to therapy for women with ADHD. We recognize that ADHD can impact many aspects of a woman's life, from hormone fluctuations to work and relationships. We work with clients to identify their unique challenges and develop strategies for managing symptoms in all areas of their lives. We also explore the impact of ADHD on their relationships , and help them to build stronger, healthier connections with loved ones. 10 STEPS FOR THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT Welcome to our guide on supporting women with ADHD! If you're living with ADHD or supporting someone who is, these tips are designed to help you navigate everyday life with more ease and confidence. Here are 10 practical steps to make things a bit smoother. 1. Learn About ADHD Understanding ADHD is the first step. Learn how it affects women, especially since it can look different compared to men. Find out about the common signs, like distractibility, impulsivity, and emotional swings. Don't hesitate to ask for resources to understand more. 2. Get a Full Picture It's not just about ADHD symptoms. Take the time to explore your personal history, family background, and other health factors. This can help you and your therapist understand the complete picture and tailor the best support for you. 3. Focus on Your Strengths You have amazing skills and talents! Women with ADHD often have creativity, empathy, and adaptability. Let's build on those strengths to boost your confidence and resilience. 4. Create a Custom Plan One-size-fits-all doesn't work here. Your treatment plan should be unique, just like you. It might include behavioral strategies, therapy, or medication, depending on your needs and preferences. Your goals are the focus. 5. Learn Practical Skills Let's get practical. Learn ways to manage your time, get organized, and handle your emotions. These skills can make a big difference in reducing stress and chaos. 6. Make Your Space Work for You Your environment matters. Make changes to your surroundings that reduce distractions and help you stay on track. This could mean decluttering, setting up routines, or finding tools that keep you focused. 7. Try Mindfulness Mindfulness techniques can help with focus and keeping calm. Deep breathing, meditation, and grounding exercises are great ways to manage stress and impulsivity. 8. Work with Your Healthcare Team If you're taking medication, make sure it's working for you without too many side effects. Stay in touch with your doctor and therapist to keep everything in check. 9. Build Your Support Team Having a solid support system is crucial. Connect with family, friends, or support groups who understand and encourage you. Don't be afraid to speak up about what you need at work or home. 10. Stay Flexible and Adaptable ADHD can change over time. Keep an eye on what’s working and what’s not, and don't be afraid to switch things up. Regular check-ins with your therapist can help you stay on track and celebrate your progress. We hope these steps help you feel more in control and supported. Remember, you're not alone, and there's a whole community here to help you thrive. ADHD TREATMENT FOR GIRLS VS. WOMEN Treatment for ADHD women differs from that for girls, as women have unique challenges related to hormonal changes, relationships, and career demands. Our therapists are trained to work with adult women specifically, and tailor treatment to their individual needs and circumstances. NEED PRACTICAL SKILLS? Our clients inevitably ask about learning practical skills. More specifically, it is important to find ways to navigate everyday tasks and challenges that can sometimes feel overwhelming with ADHD. Here are some detailed tips to help you master these skills and make your day-to-day life easier: Time Management ADHD can make it tricky to keep track of time. Try using visual timers or alarms to stay on schedule. Break tasks into smaller chunks and set specific deadlines. A calendar app or planner can also help you keep an eye on upcoming events, appointments, and deadlines. Organizational Tools A cluttered space can lead to a cluttered mind. Keep things simple by using clear containers and labeling them. Create designated spots for keys, bags, and other essentials. If you need extra help, consider a professional organizer or apps that guide you through organization steps. Task Lists and Prioritization To-do lists are your friend. Write down tasks and cross them off as you complete them. You can use a bullet journal or a digital app for this. Prioritize tasks by importance and urgency. This way, you can focus on what really matters without feeling overwhelmed Minimize Distractions Distractions can be a major hurdle. Try working in a quiet space or using noise-canceling headphones. Keep your phone and other electronics on "do not disturb" while working on important tasks. Browser extensions that block distracting websites can also be useful. Develop Routines Consistent routines can be a game-changer. Establish daily habits for mornings, evenings, and even meals. When routines are in place, your brain doesn't have to work as hard to remember what comes next. This can make your day flow more smoothly. Practice Emotional Regulation ADHD often comes with intense emotions. Learn techniques to manage these moments, like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or grounding exercises. Keep a journal to track your feelings and identify triggers. This can help you respond to emotions instead of reacting impulsively. Build in Breaks Breaks are essential to avoid burnout. Use the Pomodoro Technique or a similar approach to work in short bursts with breaks in between. During breaks, do something enjoyable, like stretching, walking, or listening to music. This helps you stay refreshed and focused. Seek Support and Accountability You're not in this alone. Share your plans with a friend or family member who can help keep you on track. Join support groups or online communities for people with ADHD to exchange tips and encouragement. Learning practical skills takes time and practice. Start with small steps, and don't be too hard on yourself if things don't go perfectly. The key is finding what works for you and sticking with it. With these skills, you'll be better equipped to manage ADHD and enjoy a more balanced and organized life. Go deeper: When ADHD shapes who does what at home, our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program can help you share the load more fairly. See Module 25, Chores, Duties, and Who Carries the Load . CURIOUS IF YOU ARE ADHD? Curious if your experiences align with ADHD traits in women? Take our ADHD Screening for Women to gain insights, recognize patterns, and explore supportive resources tailored to your unique journey. The button below will take you to our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment . There, you'll be able to take our Free Online Adult ADHD Screener and gain further insight. Free Adult ADHD Screener FINAL WORDS Our therapists are dedicated to providing compassionate and effective therapy for women with ADHD. We understand the challenges that come with a diagnosis of ADHD, and work with clients to develop strategies and tools to manage symptoms and improve their overall quality of life. If you think you may have ADHD or have been diagnosed and are seeking support, please contact us to learn more about our services Meet with our Client Care Coordinator Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Relationships can feel like they’re simmering beneath the surface, and then suddenly—boom! An eruption. Have you ever felt that way in your relationship? Where things seem fine one moment, and the next, you’re dealing with a volcanic blast of misunderstandings, frustration, or disconnect? Maybe you've noticed these eruptions happen in patterns that don’t fit the usual ups and downs of relationships. You might suspect that these differences are linked to neurodiversity—whether it’s autism,... Relationships can feel like they’re simmering beneath the surface, and then suddenly—boom! An eruption. Have you ever felt that way in your relationship? Where things seem fine one moment, and the next, you’re dealing with a volcanic blast of misunderstandings, frustration, or disconnect? Maybe you've noticed these eruptions happen in patterns that don’t fit the usual ups and downs of relationships. You might suspect that these differences are linked to neurodiversity—whether it’s autism, ADHD, or another neurological variation. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves asking: "Is neurodiversity the lava flowing under the surface of our relationship?" Let's break it down, step by step. 💥 Suspecting Neurodiversity: What Are the Signs? Step 1: The first step is recognizing the patterns . Maybe you’ve noticed that your partner struggles with social cues, has intense focus on certain interests, or reacts strongly to sensory input. Or perhaps communication feels like you’re speaking two different languages. These could be signs that neurodiversity is influencing your relationship. But what do you do with these suspicions? Do you jump to conclusions or start by addressing the symptoms? 🔍 Addressing the Symptoms: A Practical Starting Point Step 2: Before diving headfirst into whether neurodiversity is at play, it’s helpful to start by addressing the symptoms that are causing friction. This might include: Communication Breakdown: Are there recurring misunderstandings or a feeling that you’re not on the same page? Emotional Disconnect: Does one partner seem distant or overly focused on specific tasks or interests? Or does one partner seem over-emotional and/or scattered? Routine Disruptions: Are small changes in routine causing significant stress or anxiety? By focusing on these or other symptoms, you may start to improve the day-to-day interactions in your relationship without immediately jumping to labels. But it’s important to acknowledge that these efforts might not always be enough. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the challenges persist, and it becomes clear that more understanding and support are needed. 💬 Bringing Neurodiversity into the Conversation Step 3: Once you’ve started addressing the symptoms, the next step might be discussing whether neurodiversity could be a factor . This is where things can get tricky, especially if one partner feels uncertain or resistant. Neurodiversity—whether it’s autism, ADHD, or another condition—can deeply impact how a person interacts with the world. It’s important to approach this conversation with care, emphasizing that understanding these differences isn’t about labeling but about creating a more harmonious relationship. 💥 Resistance from the Neurodiverse Partner: Handling It with Care Step 4: It’s not uncommon for the neurodiverse partner to feel resistance when the topic of neurodiversity comes up. They might worry about being labeled or fear the stigma that can come with a diagnosis. This resistance is natural and deserves to be approached with empathy . So you have two options: A. Reframe as New Understanding : If your partner is resistant, consider focusing on the benefits of understanding their unique way of experiencing the world. It’s not about attaching a label; it’s about gaining tools and insights that can make your relationship stronger and more connected. B. Don’t Raise Neurodiversity Issue : Another approach is to seek therapy with one of our neurodiverse couples counselors without initiall y raising the issue of neurodiversity. Our clinicians are skilled in discussing symptoms and behaviors in a way that minimizes blame and shame, helping both partners feel supported and understood. 🎯 Seeking Help: Why a Neurodiverse Couples Counselor Makes a Difference Step 5: When the time feels right, seeking help from a neurodiverse couples counselor can be a game-changer. Our specialists are deeply trained in understanding how neurodiversity impacts relationships and can offer tailored strategies to improve your connection. Here’s how we help: Normalizing the Struggle: We help both partners understand that the challenges they’re facing are normal and can be worked through without shame. Reducing Labeling Anxiety: We address concerns about labels, helping the neurodiverse partner feel more comfortable with the process. Practical Interventions: We focus on actionable steps to improve communication, reduce misunderstandings, and create a more supportive environment for both partners. 💡 Taking the Next Step: Screeners and Assessments Step 6: If, after working with one of our counselors, you both feel ready to explore whether neurodiversity is a factor, we offer autism and ADHD screeners that can provide initial insights. These screeners are a simple way to explore whether one or both partners are neurodiverse . Autism and ADHD screeners can be accessed here . For those who genuinely want a more in-depth understanding, we also offer comprehensive assessments . These assessments go beyond surface-level symptoms and provide a detailed picture of how neurodiversity might be influencing your relationship. 💥 Working on Couples Issues: Embracing Neurodiversity for a Stronger Relationship Step 7: Understanding and embracing neurodiversity in your relationship can be a transformative experience. It’s not just about identifying whether one partner is neurodiverse—it’s about how that neurodiversity shapes the way you interact, communicate, and connect as a couple. In neurodiverse couples therapy or coaching , here’s how we approach working on couples issues with a strong neurodiversity focus: Tailoring Communication: Neurodiverse individuals often have unique communication styles. We help both partners learn to recognize these differences and adapt their communication methods to foster clearer, more effective interactions. This might involve learning to be more explicit in expressing needs or understanding non-verbal cues differently. Building Emotional Resilience: Emotional connection can be challenging when one partner experiences the world through a neurodiverse lens. We work on building emotional resilience by helping the neurotypical partner understand the neurodiverse partner's emotional processing and by teaching the neurodiverse partner strategies to express their emotions in ways that their partner can understand and respond to. Navigating Sensory Sensitivities: Sensory issues can play a significant role in neurodiverse relationships. We develop strategies to accommodate and respect these sensitivities, whether it’s creating a sensory-friendly home environment or finding ways to manage sensory overload in social situations. Managing Expectations and Routines: Neurodiverse individuals often thrive on routine and predictability. We help couples navigate the balance between maintaining necessary routines and being flexible enough to adapt to life’s unpredictabilities. This can reduce stress and help both partners feel more secure in the relationship. Addressing Disappointment When the Fit Isn’t Right: Sometimes, couples come in believing that one partner is neurodiverse, only to discover that the traits they thought were due to autism or ADHD don’t quite fit. This realization can be disappointing, especially if one partner felt they had finally found an explanation for their struggles. We approach this with kindness and understanding, helping the couple refocus on the issues at hand, whether they’re related to neurodiversity or not. It’s about finding the right tools and strategies to improve the relationship, no matter the diagnosis. 💡 Moving Forward with Clarity and Compassion Please try to remember that every relationship has its unique challenges, and understanding whether neurodiversity is at play can be a powerful step toward a stronger, more connected marriage. It’s not about finding faults; it’s about understanding each other in a way that opens doors to empathy, love, and lasting partnership. Our team at the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center is here to guide you every step of the way. Go deeper: Module 8, What a Diagnosis Changes, and What It Doesn’t , from our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program, looks at what an answer can and cannot change for the two of you. Warmly, Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Ready to Get Started? Tell us a little about yourself, and our client care team will match you with the neurodiverse specialist who's right for you. Get Started Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist. Show the full module text Module 22 — Sex and Intimacy Bring closeness back without pressure. Watch first: the Module 22 video A narrated video of about 5 and a half minutes in a cut-paper diorama style in sage green and terracotta, opening and closing on the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center logo. It walks through the intimacy session: a chart of five things that get in the way, from the senses to energy left over, two kinds of desire, spontaneous and responsive (“Neither partner is broken”), an energy-through-the-day curve, the invitation, a touch map, and a scheduled intimacy agreement. Paper figures share a sofa, a kitchen and a quiet reading corner. Watch the Module 22 video: Sex and Intimacy (MP4, about 6 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full. Most couples find sex hard to bring up, so your therapist brings it up. This module walks through that session: what gets in the way, how autism and ADHD shape sex, how to invite and say no, and which touch feels good. When we ask about sex Summary: what usually happens in the session 1 Your therapist asks about sex. Early in therapy. You can say not today. 2 You each name what gets in the way. Five common ones, from getting started to having no energy left. 3 You talk about how neurodivergence shapes sex. Touch, timing, pressure and hearing no, for each of you. 4 You agree on one way to invite each other. A phrase or signal. Saying no to it needs no reason. 5 You agree how to say no, and a word for stop. Settled ahead of time, while nothing is being asked for. 6 You each fill in a touch card. Which touch feels good, where, and how firm. Then you compare. 7 You find a time when you both have energy left. When, in an ordinary week, it could happen. 8 Your therapist tells you what needs a specialist. Some difficulties need a medical check or a sex therapist first. Your own sexual history is asked about separately, in an individual session. One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working. Step 1. Your therapist asks about sex Couples can go months without mentioning it, so we ask first, in plain words. The first conversation is only about what talking about sex is like for each of you. If saying it aloud is hard, you can write your answers first. Asking. I ask every couple about sex, because most find it hard to bring up first. Is now all right, or would you rather we came back to it another day? Step 2. You each name what gets in the way Most couples we see do not have a sexual problem as such. They have practical difficulties that, after years of silence, have been given painful meanings. Your therapist goes through five, and each of you says which are yours. The left column is what is happening. The right is how it can feel to the other partner. Getting started is often the biggest. The same difficulty that puts off a phone call puts off reaching for your partner. The partner who is not reached for decides they are not wanted. The comparison. When starting does not happen, is that not wanting to? Or is it the same thing that happens with phone calls? Step 3. You talk about how neurodivergence shapes sex Studies of autistic adults find differences in how sex is experienced, not less wanting.1 Your therapist asks you both about each of these, since either or both of you may be neurodivergent. How autism and ADHD can shape sex 1 The senses. Touch, light, sound, smell and textures can be too much, or not enough.2 Light, unexpected touch is often hardest. Firm, steady touch is often welcome. 2 Your body’s signals. Arousal, discomfort or wanting to stop may register late.3 Knowing what your body wants can take time. 3 Switching over. A mind absorbed in one thing needs time to shift from a busy day to closeness. A planned time is often easier than a surprise, and no less loving. 4 ADHD attention. Attention can drift, seek something new, or lock onto something else, so reaching out slips the mind. Drifting during sex is not boredom with you.4 5 Pressure. For some, any request feels like a demand. They pull back from the pressure, not from their partner. 6 Performing. Many neurodivergent people learned to mask, hiding their differences to fit in. Some do it in bed too, going along or acting pleased, which is lonely for both of you. 7 Saying it plainly. Hints and looks often get missed. Plain words, such as “Would you like to be close tonight?”, are easier to hear. 8 Being turned down. For someone sensitive to rejection, a no can feel like rejection of the whole person. So you settle how to say no ahead of time. Both experiences are real. A neurotypical partner can feel undesired, lonely and rejected after years of reaching out and being missed or turned down. A neurodivergent partner may feel confused, pressured or ashamed. Neither of you is the problem. Asking you both. Some of these may fit you, some your partner, and some neither. Which ones sound like you? Is there one you have never said out loud? Autistic people are also more often gender-diverse, so a question about gender or orientation is information, not a crisis.5 Asexuality is an identity, not a symptom. Step 4. You agree on one way to invite each other The two of you agree on one way to invite: a phrase, a place on the sofa, a particular evening. It stays the same, either of you can use it, and the other can say no without a reason. There are two kinds of desire. Some people feel wanting first, and arousal follows. For others, wanting only shows up after touch and closeness have begun.6 Both are normal. With one of each, the first partner often feels rejected, and the second feels something is wrong with them. The usual advice is to just start, and the wanting will follow. That asks the partner who finds starting hardest to do the starting. An agreed invitation belongs to both of you. What the invitation means. Using it does not mean sex is going to happen. It means you are both willing to see. Step 5. You agree how to say no, and a word for stop While nothing is being asked for, you agree on three answers to an invitation. The three answers, agreed in advance. Yes. Not now, and here is when. No. Whoever asked accepts the answer without arguing. Not now comes with a real next time. No needs nothing in its place. Why a stop word. Body signals can arrive late, so someone may only realize afterward that they wanted to stop. The stop word works at any point, and nobody asks why. Going quiet or still is not a yes, so the other pauses and checks in. Sex is never owed, and it is not a way to manage someone else’s feelings. If a no is not safe. If there is pressure, fear or punishment around sex in your relationship, that is a safety issue, not a communication one. Either of you can raise it with your therapist alone, and the joint work on sex pauses while it is looked at. Step 6. You each fill in a touch card Each of you fills in a touch card alone: which touch feels good and which does not, where, how firm, whether you want a warning, and who starts. Then you compare. Most couples find at least one line on the other's card that surprises them. When you compare, your therapist usually starts with what works. Hearing that a touch you have offered for years does not work can sting. It is information about how your partner’s body takes in touch, not a verdict on your affection. You can always say it. If any of this starts to feel like too much, you can say I am uncomfortable . That is a complete sentence. Nobody has to explain it or defend it. We stop, we look together at what is happening, and we decide as a group whether to stay with it or to understand first what is getting in the way. Saying which touch you do not like, next to the partner who has offered it for years, is often the hardest part. Step 7. You find a time when you both have energy left The last thing you plan is timing: when in an ordinary week either of you has energy left. For many it is not late at night, when they have been trying. Finding the time. Not when you think you ought to. When, in an ordinary week, is there anything left in the tank? The way this goes wrong. The couple agrees on a set evening, and within months it feels like a debt. One of you counts the weeks, and the other feels counted. A no is met with a day of silence and not used again. A planned time protects the chance for closeness, not a promise of sex. A real yes depends on a real no. Step 8. Your therapist tells you what needs a specialist For erectile difficulty, pain during sex, or trouble reaching orgasm, we always ask for a medical evaluation first. The cause is often physical, sometimes a side effect of medication, and often treatable. When the cause is emotional, such as anxiety about performing or pressure built up over years of missed signals, we can often work with it here, together. Some forms of sex therapy, and some difficulties linked to trauma, need a therapist who specializes only in that. Your therapist will help you work out which applies, and keeps working with you both on everything else. After the session What you agreed goes on the Scheduled Intimacy Agreement , in your own words. Our Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program has the longer version, including what to do after a no. About a month later, your therapist asks whether a no has been used, and how it went. Not whether sex happened, because that turns into a scorecard. A couple who can say no to each other kindly usually finds their way back to the rest. Worksheets for this work. All free, and fillable online at New Path Family. Scheduled Intimacy Agreement — your agreements, in writing Finding Our Way Back to Touch — starting small when touch has become hard Pleasure Mapping — what works where, for the touch card Brakes & Accelerators — what turns desire on, and off Desire Imbalance Map — when one of you reaches out more Erection Confidence — a four-week practice, once a doctor has ruled out a medical cause If this is hard to do. If this is too much right now, there is no need to push through. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share what comes up: embarrassment, hurt, fear of getting it wrong. That conversation is part of the work. Does my autistic partner just not want sex? Not necessarily. Studies of autistic adults find differences in how sex is experienced, not less wanting. Touch, light, sound and smell can be too much or not enough, and body signals may register late. For some people any request feels like a demand, and they pull back from the pressure, not from their partner. Is my ADHD partner bored with me when their attention drifts? Drifting during sex is not boredom with you. With ADHD, attention can drift, seek something new, or lock onto something else, so reaching out can slip the mind. The same difficulty that puts off a phone call can put off reaching for a partner, and the partner who is not reached for may decide they are not wanted. How do we say no without hurting each other? While nothing is being asked for, you agree on three answers: yes, not now and here is when, and no. Whoever asked accepts the answer without arguing, and a no needs no reason. You also agree on a stop word that works at any point, and going quiet or still is not taken as a yes, so the other pauses and checks in. What if the problem is erectile difficulty or pain? For erectile difficulty, pain during sex, or trouble reaching orgasm, NCCC asks for a medical evaluation first. The cause is often physical, sometimes a side effect of medication, and often treatable. When the cause is emotional, such as anxiety about performing, it can often be worked with in couples sessions. Some forms of sex therapy need a specialist, and your therapist helps you work out which applies. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This one covers what gets in the way for you, how neurodivergence shapes sex for you, what the two of you agreed, your touch card, and the timing. What gets in the way for me The five: getting started, the senses, reading your own body, unspoken signals, and energy left over. Name yours, not your partner's. Which of these five difficulties are mine? How autism or ADHD shapes sex for me (the senses, body signals, switching over, attention, pressure, performing, plain words, being turned down) What we agreed The same every time, open to either of you, and fine to decline with no reason. Our way to invite (a phrase, a place, a particular evening) Our words for not tonight Our stop word, which works at any point, no reason needed My touch card: one touch that works for me (what kind, where, how firm, with or without a warning) and one that does not Timing, and the check-in When in an ordinary week is there energy left? Not when there should be. Realistically, we have energy left: — Weekend mornings, Early evening, before the crash, Late at night - which is what we have been trying, We have not looked at this yet In the last month, has either of us said no? — Yes, and it was fine, Yes, and it did not go well, It did not come up, No - and I have avoided the moment Our check-in date, about a month from now Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a formal trial. The studies below support the reasons behind the steps, but none of them studied neurodiverse couples, and most asked people to describe themselves in a survey. The review of autism and sexuality1 brings together 27 studies and does not find a general lack of desire. The sensory study2 collects first-hand accounts from more than 120 autistic people, and the body-signals study3 is small, 40 adults counting their own heartbeat. Both show that a pattern exists, not how often it occurs. The ADHD findings4 come from one large survey of people who chose to answer it, so they describe real experiences but not how common those experiences are. The strongest finding is the one on gender diversity:5 it pools five large datasets with more than 640,000 people, though it shows a link, not a cause. The two kinds of desire come from a clinical model,6 not a trial. Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated September 28, 2026 Peer-reviewed research 1. Pecora LA, Mesibov GB, Stokes MA (2016) Sexuality in high-functioning autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46(11), 3519-3556 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-2892-4 Systematic review of 27 observational and cross-sectional publications, nine of which were eligible for meta-analysis. Females reported higher levels of sexual understanding yet more adverse sexual experiences than males and than non-autistic comparisons; males reported greater desire for and engagement in solitary and dyadic sexual contact. The authors describe the findings as an initial characterization requiring further research. Limitation: cross-sectional and largely self-selected samples throughout; no couples data. 2. Gray S, Kirby AV, Holmes LG (2021) Autistic narratives of sensory features, sexuality, and relationships. Autism in Adulthood, 3(3), 238-246 . https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0049 Qualitative analysis of publicly available narratives from 5 books and 13 online forums (72 usernames) plus 49 survey responses, over 120 autistic people in total, coded deductively against Dunn's model of sensory processing and inductively for further themes. Touch, sight, sound and smell shaped sexual experience in both positive and negative ways; some described distress at particular sensations, others sought more intense sensation or used intimacy to calm and regulate; strategies included talking with partners and using substances to dull sensation. Limitation: qualitative and self-selected; cannot say how common any pattern is. 3. Garfinkel SN, Tiley C, O'Keeffe S, Harrison NA, Seth AK, Critchley HD (2016) Discrepancies between dimensions of interoception in autism: Implications for emotion and anxiety. Biological Psychology, 114, 117-126 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2015.12.003 20 adults with autism spectrum conditions and 20 controls, measured on three dimensions: interoceptive accuracy (objective heartbeat detection), interoceptive sensibility (self-reported body awareness) and the metacognitive gap between them. The autistic group showed reduced accuracy alongside exaggerated sensibility, and the discrepancy between them, termed trait prediction error, correlated with deficits in emotion sensitivity and with anxiety symptoms. Limitation: 40 participants and a single narrow measure (heartbeat detection) of a broad construct. 5. Warrier V, Greenberg DM, Weir E, Buckingham C, Smith P, Lai MC, Allison C, Baron-Cohen S (2020) Elevated rates of autism, other neurodevelopmental and psychiatric diagnoses, and autistic traits in transgender and gender-diverse individuals. Nature Communications, 11, 3959 . https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-020-17794-1 Five independently recruited datasets totaling 641,860 participants. Transgender and gender-diverse individuals had higher rates of autism diagnoses than cisgender individuals, with adjusted odds ratios between 3.03 and 6.36 across datasets, and scored higher on self-report measures of autistic traits, systemizing and sensory sensitivity. Limitation: self-report data, several from self-selected online cohorts; association only, with no causal direction established. Clinical sources and public data 4. Tuckman A (2019) ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship. Routledge, New York . https://www.routledge.com/ADHD-After-Dark-Better-Sex-Life-Better-Relationship-1st-Edition/Tuckman/p/book/9780367223939 A large self-selected survey of adults with ADHD and their partners, written up for clinicians and couples. Clinically valuable on distraction during sex, the timing of medication and the asymmetry of initiation, and the source of most of the frequency figures that circulate about ADHD and sex. Limitation: a self-selected survey, presented as such by its author; not an epidemiological estimate and not a controlled study. 6. Basson R (2001) Using a different model for female sexual response to address women's problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395-403 . https://doi.org/10.1080/713846827 The paper that set out the responsive-desire model: for many people desire follows arousal and emotional intimacy rather than preceding them, so an absence of spontaneous desire is not evidence of a disorder. Developed with women in mind and applied more broadly since. Limitation: a clinical model paper, not a trial; the on-ramp follows from it by reasoning and has not been tested as an intervention. Further reading • Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Scheduled Intimacy Agreement; Brakes and Accelerators; Desire Imbalance Map. Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center . https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/worksheets/scheduled-intimacy-agreement The practice's three intimacy worksheets: the written agreement covering timing, the opening move, sensory preparation and what no looks like; the dual-control worksheet on what raises desire and what applies the brakes; and the map of who reaches first and what each partner feels when reaching is not reciprocated. Limitation: clinical tools developed in use rather than validated, and presented to couples on that basis. Practical difficulties, not a verdict on your relationship The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. We bring up sex early, with the offer of another day, and work on what gets in the way, how you invite and say no, and which touch feels good. Where a medical check or a sex therapist is needed, we say so and keep working with you on everything else. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 23 — Parenting All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

Autism and Sex: Finally, a Way to Understand the Disconnect. But if you’re autistic—or in a relationship with someone who is—Bedroom rules can feel more like a test you didn’t study for. “Tease each other?” What does that actually mean? “Keep a steady pace?” Based on whose rhythm?“Don’t be afraid to experiment?” What if new things feel overwhelming? For many autistic adults, these kinds of open-ended instructions feel confusing, stressful, or even shame-inducing. At first glance, those "Bedroom Rules" might seem playful or sexy. But if you’re autistic—or in a relationship with someone who is—they can feel more like a test you didn’t study for. “Tease each other?” What does that actually mean? “Keep a steady pace?” Based on whose rhythm? “Don’t be afraid to experiment?” What if new things feel overwhelming? For many autistic adults, these kinds of open-ended instructions feel confusing , stressful, or even shame-inducing. And for their partner, it can feel lonely—like they’re not being met emotionally or intimately. Both people want to connect. But the rules aren’t working. That’s why we created the Autistic Sexual Intimacy Measure (ASIM‑24). The questions touch on topics most people never talk about. You’ll see statements like: “I avoid conversations about sex because they feel too complicated.” “ Certain textures or smells can distract me during intimacy.” “I sometimes say yes to sexual activity even when I’m uncomfortable.” “I worry my direct way of speaking sounds rude when I discuss sex.” It takes about 5–7 minutes—and it can be a turning point. This isn’t just information. It’s a roadmap. When you complete the ASIM‑24 , you’ll receive a total score that reflects your overall comfort and confidence with sexual intimacy. But you’ll also get four separate scores—covering sexual knowledge, sensory comfort, consent and boundaries, and relationship communication. This helps you see where you’re thriving and where you might want to grow. Understanding your intimacy profile can shift everything. Instead of guessing what’s wrong or blaming yourself (or your partner), you’ll have a clearer picture of how your brain and body approach intimacy —and how to move forward with more confidence and care. Go deeper: When even starting the conversation feels too complicated, Module 2 of our Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program, Talking About Talking About Sex , is a gentle place to begin. Take the ASIM‑24 now And if you'd like support as you explore your results, our neuro-informed specialists are here to help you connect the dots. 👉 Schedule a session with us Wishing you clarity, confidence, and connection—in and out of the bedroom, Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center P.S. Next week, we’re diving into ADHD and sex—why it can be thrilling, frustrating, or both. Get Matched with a Therapist 🔦 Spotlight on Maring Higa Specialties Autism, ADHD, Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse) Blended Families Somatic Therapies IFS EFT Trauma Neurodiverse Couples Personal Experience Lived through a neurodiverse marriage that ended in divorce, gaining firsthand insight into the challenges of misaligned communication, emotional rhythms, and unmet needs. Over a decade into a new, hard-earned partnership, navigating the ongoing work of blending families, healing old wounds, and choosing connection over comfort—even when it’s hard. Brings real-world empathy to couples work, shaped by personal experience with both disconnection and deep repair, offering grounded support instead of quick fixes. Learn more about Maring! © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these questionnaires may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Imagine trying to communicate your deepest desires and needs with your partner, but it feels like you're speaking different languages. That's often the reality for neurodiverse couples when it comes to intimacy and sex. Let's break the silence and dive into this crucial topic together! 🚧 8 Common Roadblocks to Neurodiverse Sex 👩‍❤️‍👨 1. Emotional vs. Physical Intimacy Neurotypical partners might crave emotional intimacy through communication about emotions and experiences. On the other... Imagine trying to communicate your deepest desires and needs with your partner, but it feels like you're speaking different languages. That's often the reality for neurodiverse couples when it comes to intimacy and sex. Let's break the silence and dive into this crucial topic together! 🚧 8 Common Roadblocks to Neurodiverse Sex 👩❤️👨 1. Emotional vs. Physical Intimacy Neurotypical partners might crave emotional intimacy through communication about emotions and experiences. On the other hand, neurodiverse partners might seek physical intimacy to feel connected. It's like trying to take different paths to the same destination – closeness. 💬 2. Communication Communication barriers can intensify during intimate moments. Nonverbal cues like eye contact and body language often signal interest and consent, but these can be challenging for neurodiverse individuals. Recognizing these differences helps shift towards clear, direct communication , such as using "code words" for boundaries and planned breaks to process tough interactions. This approach reduces misunderstandings and ensures both partners clearly express needs and consent during intimacy. 🌐 3. Sensory Sensitivities Sensory sensitivities are a common issue in neurodiverse couples. Hypersensitivity can make physical touch overwhelming , while hyposensitivity may lead to a need for more intense sensory input. Understanding these differences is crucial. For example, one partner might need to adjust their touch to match their partner's sensory preferences. Educating couples about these variations helps them navigate and satisfy each other's sensory needs during intimate moments. 📋 4. Expectations Every person has unique expectations about what intimacy should look like, and for neurodiverse couples, these expectations might conflict. Open communication about these expectations is essential to align and find common ground, helping partners understand each other’s perspectives and needs. 📜 5. Past Experiences Past relationships significantly shape views on intimacy. Many autistic individuals have less experience with dating and sex, leading to unrealistic views of relationships or misunderstandings about roles. Addressing these past experiences in therapy helps partners understand each other's viewpoints and expectations, fostering deeper connections. 🔧 6. Executive Functioning Initiating intimacy requires planning and organizing, which can be challenging for neurodiverse individuals. Recognizing these difficulties and finding ways to support each other in initiating intimate moments can improve the relationship. 🔒 7. Rigidity Rigidity in routines or preferences can create tension in a sexual relationship. Neurodiverse individuals might have specific ways they believe intimacy should be, which can hinder the natural flow of the relationship. Couples can work together to become more adaptable to each other's needs. 🌹 8. Diverse Expressions of Intimacy Intimacy for neurodivergent individuals can differ from traditional norms. Activities like side-by-side gaming or snuggling while engaging in separate activities can be intimate for them. Recognizing and accepting these diverse expressions of intimacy is vital for some couples. 🤔 Where to Start? Couples struggling with sex often don't know where to start. In therapy, we work on the following areas: 🤝 Build a Common Understanding Understanding how neurodiversity impacts your physical intimacy is the first step. This involves psychoeducation about autism and re-contextualizing your relationship through this valuable lens. 🎯 Setting Clear Goals We help you discuss each partner's needs, desires, and quota for intimacy and sex. Together, we identify specific goals to address deficits and improve experiences. This can be incredibly hard to do and almost always needs the safe guidance from one of our counselors. 🗣️ Open Communication We facilitate conversations about why certain needs are unfulfilled and what specifics are required for improvement. This is not about compliance but rather focuses on understanding and exploration. 🧠 Perspective-Taking We consider each other's perspectives to increase relational success. Once you understand your partner's viewpoint, you can work together to strengthen intimacy and sexual connection. 👫 Sex Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Do you feel overwhelmed reading this? Please know that is perfectly normal! Here's the good news: sex therapy with a neuro-informed therapist can help make it easier to talk about sex. We'll provide a supportive space for both partners to share in their own way and at their own pace. Imagine turning those awkward moments of miscommunication into opportunities for deeper connection, understanding and fun! Go deeper: Our Neurodiverse Sex Therapy Program takes these roadblocks one at a time. Module 2, Talking About Talking About Sex , is a gentle place to begin. Willing to try? We’re here when you’re ready. Warm regards, Harry Dr. Harry Motro , LMFT, Clinical Director Founder Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Ready to Get Started? Tell us a little about yourself, and our client care team will match you with the neurodiverse specialist who's right for you. Get Started Are You Hypersensitive to Certain Noises, Textures, etc...? Learn About Sensory Processing Disorder Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

The Love List for neurodiverse couples: twenty specific things that make you feel loved, read aloud in session and posted where you see them. Show the full module text Module 20 — The Love List Know exactly what makes your partner feel loved, and tell them what works for you. Watch first: the Module 20 video A narrated video of about 4 minutes in a paper-cutout style that opens and closes on the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center logo. Two Love List clipboards hold twenty items each, and a chart turns vague items like “Be more affectionate” into specific ones that say what to do, when, and what to say. It shows each partner saying no to four of twenty, a couple in a video-call session, and the list hung beside the bathroom mirror. Watch the Module 20 video: The Love List (MP4, about 4 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full. Most of us never ask for what we want, and then we are hurt when our partner does not do it. In this session, each of you writes down twenty specific things that make you feel loved. We call it the Love List . You read your lists to each other, say which items are a no, try one in the room, and put the lists up at home where you will see them every day. Writing down what makes you feel loved Summary: what usually happens in the session 1 You each write twenty things that make you feel loved. At home, on your own, before the session. 2 Your therapist helps you make each item specific. One item at a time, until it says what to do, when, and the words you want to hear. 3 You read your lists out loud to each other. All twenty. Your partner listens without answering, then reads theirs to you. 4 You each say which items on your partner’s list are a no. Out loud, in the session. Saying no is part of the exercise. 5 You each do one item from your partner’s list, in the room. Right then, with your therapist there. Then you swap. 6 You decide where each list will hang at home. Before you leave. Each of you takes your partner’s list home. Each of you owns your own list, and either of you can change yours at any time. One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working. Step 1. You each write twenty things that make you feel loved You expect your partner to know what makes you feel loved. Your partner expects the same of you. Neither of you says it out loud. Then both of you are hurt when it does not happen. We expect our partner to read our minds. In real life, that does not happen. Research points the same way. In pooled studies, guessing each other’s feelings well had only a small link to a happy relationship, and almost all of it came from reading bad feelings.1 In a neurodiverse couple, the guessing is harder in both directions. Each of you can miss the love the other is already offering. Many people also feel that love only counts if they did not have to ask. Asking does not make it count less. For a partner who finds guessing hard, a clear request is what makes it possible to show love well. So each of you writes it down. The instructions are on our Love List worksheet. It asks for twenty items. Each one is something your partner could do tomorrow, not a wish. How your therapist sets it up. Write twenty each, before we meet, on your own. Not what you think you ought to want. What actually makes you feel loved. If nothing comes. For some people the page stays empty. They do not know what makes them feel loved. This is common if you find it hard to name feelings, or if you have spent years paying attention to what everyone else needs. That is not a failure. It is the work. For a week or two, notice what warms you and what leaves you flat. Try small things. Then write the list from what you found. Step 2. Your therapist helps you make each item specific Most people write their items too vague the first time. So before anything is read out, your therapist goes through each list with its owner. The way this goes wrong. She writes be more affectionate . Her partner hugs her at the door every evening for two weeks. What she wanted was a hand to hold on the walk after dinner. She decides her partner did not really try. Her partner decides nothing they do counts. Neither of them is wrong. The item was too vague to do, and the fix is a clearer item, not a better partner. The same wish, written two ways. Be more affectionate. Reach for my hand when we walk, hold it gently, and say I love you when you let go. Why so specific. A specific item can be done on the way home from the store. You both know when it happened. Items can be about quiet and space as well as touch and words: twenty quiet minutes when you get home, or a word of warning before a hug. Making an item specific. Text me is a good start. When would you like the text? At lunchtime. Which day? Wednesday. And saying what? One thing he appreciates about me. Now it is something he can do. A vague item leaves your partner to work out what you meant, and a wrong guess feels like not caring. A specific one can be done tomorrow, and you will both know it happened. Step 3. You read your lists out loud to each other Next, you read your twenty out loud to your partner. Then you swap, and your partner reads their list to you. What usually happens here. Hearing the list in your partner’s own voice lands differently from reading it. Several items usually turn out to be easier than you expected. If it sounds like a list of complaints. Twenty wishes can sound like twenty things you have not been doing. They are really things that would help from now on. Reading your own list can feel exposed, too, as if you are asking for too much. If either of you starts to feel criticized or ashamed, say so, and your therapist will slow the reading down. Handing over the reading. Read them to him, not to me. All twenty, at your own pace. He is not answering yet. He is just listening. Step 4. You each say which items are a no Now each of you goes back through your partner’s list. You say which items you will not do. Some may be more than you can manage. Some you may simply not want to do. Both are allowed. A no is about the item, not about your partner. Often the item costs more than you knew, because of a sound, a touch or the energy it takes. You say the noes here, in the room, so nobody finds out at home a month later. This is why there are twenty. With twenty items, saying no to four or five is not a problem. What is left is still more than anyone could do in a week. Items about touch or sex. The same rule holds: a no is a full answer, and it is not argued at home later. If either of you feels pressured, or afraid to say no, tell your therapist on your own. That comes before this exercise. Each of you marks the noes on the sheet as you say them, so nobody has to remember later which ones they were. Saying no. Which ones are a no for you? Tell her now. You can say why if you like, but you do not have to. You can always say it. If any of this starts to feel like too much, you can say I am uncomfortable . That is a complete sentence. Nobody has to explain it or defend it. We stop, we look together at what is happening, and we decide as a group whether to stay with it or to understand first what is getting in the way. Hearing a no about an item that matters to you can sting. Saying no to someone you love is hard too. This is the moment in this session where you are most likely to need it. Step 5. You each do one item from your partner’s list, in the room Your partner picks one item from your list and does it, right then, with your therapist there. Then you swap, and you do one of theirs. It feels staged, and most couples laugh partway through. Pick one you can do in front of someone. If none feels possible today, say so, and do one together right after the session instead. Once you have done an item in the room, doing it at home is easier. Practicing one. Pick one from her list that you could do now, while I am here. It will probably feel a little staged, and that is fine. Step 6. You decide where each list will hang at home A list kept in a drawer gets forgotten. So before you leave, you decide where each list will hang: somewhere you stand still twice a day with nothing else to do. Where it goes. Where do you brush your teeth? Tape her list up beside the mirror when you get home. If children or visitors use that bathroom, the inside of a cabinet door by the mirror works too. A list taped where you brush your teeth gets read twice a day, without anyone having to remember it. After the session One item a day, in any order. Aim for one item a day, whichever one you can manage. Some days it will be the easiest thing on the page, and that still counts. If you miss a day, start again the next one. This is not a score. If the list on the wall starts to feel like pressure, that is worth saying out loud too. When your partner does one of yours, tell them you noticed. In studies of couples sharing good moments, a warm response made the good feeling last longer. Couples who usually answered each other warmly also felt closer day to day.2 A thank-you is enough. There is no need to grade it. If an item did not land, or you have changed your mind, rewrite it and put up a new list. If this is hard to do. If this is too much right now, there is no need to push through it. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share the feelings that come up: awkwardness at asking, worry about asking for too much, sadness that you had to ask at all. That conversation is part of the work. Doesn't it count less if I have to ask? Many people feel that love only counts if they did not have to ask. Asking does not make it count less. In a neurodiverse couple, guessing is harder in both directions, and each of you can miss the love the other is already offering. For a partner who finds guessing hard, a clear request is what makes it possible to show love well. What if I do not know what makes me feel loved? For some people the page stays empty. This is common if you find it hard to name feelings, or if you have spent years paying attention to what everyone else needs. That is not a failure. It is the work: for a week or two, notice what warms you and what leaves you flat, try small things, then write the list from what you found. What if my partner's list has things I will not do? You say which items are a no, out loud in the session, so nobody finds out at home a month later. Some may be more than you can manage, because of a sound, a touch or the energy it takes, and some you may simply not want to do. Both are allowed. A no is about the item, not your partner, and with twenty items, four or five noes still leave plenty. Why make each item so specific? A vague item like 'be more affectionate' is hard to do, and both partners can end up hurt even when both are trying. A specific item says what to do, when, and the words you want to hear, such as reaching for a hand on a walk and saying I love you when you let go. You both know when it happened. Items can be about quiet and space, too. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This one holds your list of twenty, the items you said no to on your partner's list, and where the lists hang. Your list of twenty Make each item specific enough that your partner could do it tomorrow without asking you anything: what to do, when, and the words you want to hear. Your twenty, one per line. Start each one: I feel loved when you... Could your partner do every one of these tomorrow without asking you anything? — All twenty, Most of them, Some are still wishes, not things to do, I could not write the list yet If you could not write it yet: what made you feel loved this week, and what small things did you try? Your partner's list What happened with your partner's list in the session, in their words. The items on your partner's list you said no to The one item from your partner's list you did in the session Where the lists hang Somewhere you see it every morning and every night. Where is your partner's list up? — Beside the bathroom mirror, Somewhere else I see morning and night, It is not up yet This week: which of your items did your partner do, and did you tell them you noticed? Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion The Love List is our own exercise, and its instructions are on the Love List worksheet. It comes from clinical practice, in a long line of couples exercises where partners agree on small, specific caring acts. It has not been tested in a trial. What the lesson claims is modest: a specific request gets met more often than a vague one, twenty items leave room to say no, and a list you see twice a day gets used more than one you have to remember. The first study1 combined 21 studies of 2,739 people. How well partners read each other’s feelings had a small link to how happy they were together, and almost all of it came from reading negative feelings. The couples were tested in a lab, none of them were neurodiverse couples, and the study shows a link, not a cause. The second2 is four studies from 2004 that used diaries and questionnaires. People who shared good news and got a warm, interested response felt better for longer, and couples who usually answered this way were closer. The studies show that the two go together, not that learning to respond warmly causes the closeness. Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, neither of them of neurodiverse couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated September 28, 2026 Peer-reviewed research 1. Sened H, Lavidor M, Lazarus G, Bar-Kalifa E, Rafaeli E, Ickes W (2017) Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742-752 . https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000320 Meta-analysis of 21 studies (2,739 participants) using the dyadic interaction paradigm. Empathic accuracy showed a small but significant association with relationship satisfaction (r = .134); accuracy for negative emotions was more closely related (r = .171) than accuracy for positive emotions (r = .068, not significant); gender and procedural variations did not moderate the association. Limitation: general-population couples in laboratory paradigms; correlational. 2. Gable SL, Reis HT, Impett EA, Asher ER (2004) What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228-245 . https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228 Four studies of capitalization, sharing personal positive events with others. Sharing was associated with increased daily positive affect and well-being beyond the event itself, more so when others responded actively and constructively; close relationships in which a partner typically responded enthusiastically showed higher relationship well-being, including intimacy and daily marital satisfaction. Limitation: correlational and diary-based; shows an association, not that coaching the response causes the benefit. Further reading • Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center (2026) Worksheet 20: Love List (and the earlier Love List Instructions and Loom walkthrough). Practice materials, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center . https://www.sherocksthespectrum.com/worksheets/love-list The practice's exercise: at least twenty specific, actionable items; read aloud in session; each partner says which items they cannot do; tape your partner's list up where you will see it and do one thing a day; either partner may change their list at any time. Limitation: a clinical exercise in the behavior-exchange tradition, developed in use. Say what makes you feel loved, and put it where you both see it The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. In the Love List session, you each read your list of twenty aloud, say which items are a no, do one item in the room, and decide where the lists will hang before you leave. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 21 — Money All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

We understand that many people struggle to identify, express, and understand emotions. This condition is known as alexithymia and our therapists are prepared to meet you where we are and guide you towards your goals. ALEXITHYMIA < Back ALEXITHYMIA Do you struggle to recognize and express emotions? Do you feel a bit confused whenever a friend asks "How are you?" Are you uncomfortable around others who are processing their emotions? Do you prefer to "live in your head?" If you answer is "I think so" to most of these you, are probably in the right place. WHAT IS ALEXITHYMIA? Alexithymia is a condition characterized by challenges in identifying, understanding, and expressing emotions. Individuals with alexithymia may find it difficult to recognize their own feelings or the feelings of others. This can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining relationships, as well as navigating various social situations. Our counseling… Show More

The Neurodiversity Supplement to the family-of-origin worksheets, and the session where a neurodiverse couple works through it together, step by step. Show the full module text Module 11 — The Family You Grew Up In Was Neurodiverse Too Make sense of how the family you grew up in shapes the two of you now. Watch first: the Module 11 video A narrated video of about 3 minutes in a soft watercolor style that opens on a “Looking Back” house and closes on the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center logo. It walks through the family table that builds on your family drawing (who, what kind, how sure, and what you actually saw each relative do), a family tree that leads down to “You,” and struggles like “Masking to belong.” Scenes show an older couple at home and in a video-call session, and a journal for the days after the session. Watch the Module 11 video: The Family You Grew Up In Was Neurodiverse Too (MP4, about 3 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full. In Drawing the Family you put the neurodivergent people in your family on the page. This session goes deeper. The Neurodiversity Supplement , the second part of your family-of-origin worksheets, asks what it was like to grow up among them: what you saw them do, who understood you, and what you hid to belong. Before you go on, read through the questions once, so nothing on the pages comes as a surprise. The Supplement, in the order we take it Summary: what usually happens in the session 1 Written alone, opened together. Nothing you wrote is read aloud unless you choose it. 2 The family table. Building on your drawing: what you actually saw each relative do. 3 The early years. What was true before you can remember, and who might know. 4 Your inner life, joy first. How your thoughts and feelings were different from everyone else’s. 5 Your social life, and who understood you. What being different cost, and the one person who got it. 6 Diagnosis. Any word you were given, and what you made of it. 7 Masking at home. What you hid to belong, and whether there was anywhere you did not have to. 8 Your lineage, both halves. Your own traits, found in the family table, and what that changes. Not a form to work down. Your therapist chooses the questions that matter most for you, and over a few sessions that can be most of them. One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working. Step 1. Written alone, opened together The Supplement is optional. Your therapist suggests it when neurodivergence is already part of your story, and warns you first that writing it can open memories not yet named. You fill it in on your own, at your own pace. In the session you can read from what you wrote instead of answering on the spot, or pass on any question. How your therapist opens. You did this by yourself, and I have read all of it. I will not read any of it out loud. Your partner hears what you choose to say. Your partner’s part is to listen, not to fix or explain. Hearing it can stir feelings of their own, sometimes about the life you share now. Those matter too, and they get their own time. Step 2. The family table The first page builds on your family drawing. For each relative you marked, a table asks what kind, how sure (assessed, self-identified or suspected), and what you actually saw them do. Your therapist works from that last column. The family table goes deeper than the drawing: for each relative, what you actually saw them do. What they were called: difficult, highly strung, the one with nerves. What a child saw: what she could not stand, what he did at the same time every day. If the top of the table is blank. Most people draw a blank on anyone over fifty. That is a hole in the record, not in your memory. In England, about two in three autistic people have no diagnosis at all,1 a group two researchers named the lost generation.2 The family table. Your grandmother, the one everybody called highly strung. Whatever she was called, what did she actually do? The tall bar is children. The one you can barely see is their grandparents. Step 3. The early years Six short questions about the time before you can remember: the birth, when you talked and walked, whether things ever went backwards. These come back mostly blank, and that is not avoidance. I don’t know is a complete answer, and better than a guess. The early years. Most of this page is empty, which is honest. Who might know? A parent, an older sibling, a baby book? The way this goes wrong. The parent phone call goes wrong in a predictable way: the parent hears an accusation. So try saying why first: I am filling in some things I was too young to remember. Nothing is wrong. Stop when it turns, and bring what happened back to the room. Step 4. Your inner life, joy first Three questions: how you were different, when you first noticed, and which differences felt like strengths or were treated as weaknesses. Your therapist takes the strengths first, every time. Why joy comes first. It is the question people skip, at the kitchen table and in most therapy rooms. The answer is often the first good thing a person has said out loud about how they are wired. Joy. Before we go anywhere near what was hard: which of the ways you were different felt like strengths? Which of them brought you joy? Step 5. Your social life, and who understood you Nine questions about your social life as a child who was different: shamed or bullied, what it did at home and at school, how you coped, whether it still hurts. Most of them ask what went wrong. Where the sentence was written. Thousands of neurodiverse couples have told us that something is wrong with me was written in childhood, and often not by a parent. Close to half of autistic children are bullied at school.3 Passing as typical is its own route to the same belief, with nobody saying anything unkind.4 One question asks who made you feel understood, and how. That one gets protected time: feeling accepted by the people around you goes with doing well now.5 The answer is usually small and specific, and often something your partner could do. Who understood. You named somebody who made you feel understood. What did they actually do? Not who they were. What they did. You can always say it. If any of this starts to feel like too much, you can say I am uncomfortable . That is a complete sentence. Nobody has to explain it or defend it. We stop, we look together at what is happening, and we decide as a group whether to stay with it or to understand first what is getting in the way. Some of these answers have not been said to anyone before. If one of them is too much today, the words move it to another day. Nothing is lost by waiting. Step 6. Diagnosis A short table for anything you were diagnosed with, identified in yourself, or suspect: the age, who said so, what you thought at the time. A nine-year-old given a word and not what it meant often concluded something was wrong with them. That conclusion is usually still running. Diagnosis. When they gave you the word, what did you think it meant? For some people the word came only in adulthood, or a different word came first. A late word can bring relief and grief together, and both belong here. Step 7. Masking at home The last page asks what unspoken rules you followed to be accepted in your own family, and what you hid or performed in order to belong. The page assumes home was where the mask came off, and often it was. When it was not, that is the answer that matters most. It usually has a person attached: the parent whose mood the household ran on, often the one nobody named. The off-switch. Was there anywhere you did not have to do it? Anywhere you got to just be however you were? A person who has had no off-switch anywhere will not have one in this marriage without something changing on purpose. Five rooms with the mask on and one with it off is, by the standards of the people we work with, a good childhood. If home was not safe. If home was frightening, not only tiring, you can tell your therapist on your own first. Some of it may belong in an individual session before it is shared as a couple, and nobody needs to call a parent who was not safe. Step 8. Your lineage, both halves The final question asks you to find your own traits in the family table. When a person finds one of theirs in two more relatives, something in their posture changes. Something is wrong with me. This is what my family is. The lineage, both halves. This clearly runs in your family. You were not the first one. You were the first one to have a name for it. And: it is still your relationship to run. Why there is a second half. It runs in the family says where a trait came from, and nothing about what happens next. If it starts to sound like a reason nothing can change, to either of you, bring that back to the room. Your therapist closes before capacity runs out; whatever is left on the pages keeps. After the session The grief lands late. Putting together a childhood nobody witnessed produces a specific grief, for a child nobody understood. It arrives days or weeks later, as flatness, irritability, or a sudden conviction that the therapy is not working. Now you both have a word for it, so neither of you needs to read it as a relapse. If it deepens, or has not lifted after a couple of weeks, tell your therapist; that is worth checking rather than waiting out. The workbook below is for the week after: the questions that mattered most, as you would answer them now, and how it has landed. If you were the partner listening and thought, this is me too , say so. It gets its own session, not twenty minutes of somebody else’s. Before you go on. The next module, Competing Sensory Needs, Then and Now , has its own optional worksheet, Competing Sensory Needs . If sensory issues were significant in your family, we strongly recommend it. If this is hard to do. If the pages are hard to face this month, do not push through them. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share the feelings that come up when you think about your family. That conversation is part of the work. Will my partner hear everything I wrote on the worksheet? No. You fill in the Supplement on your own, at your own pace, and your therapist reads it, but nothing you wrote is read aloud unless you choose it. In the session you can read from what you wrote instead of answering on the spot, or pass on any question. Your partner hears only what you choose to say. What if I know nothing about my grandparents or my early years? That is common. Most people draw a blank on anyone over fifty, and that is a hole in the record, not in your memory. Many older autistic people have no diagnosis at all. For the early years, "I don't know" is a complete answer, and better than a guess. Your therapist may ask who might know, such as a parent, an older sibling or a baby book. Does "it runs in the family" mean nothing in our relationship can change? No. Finding your own traits in your family can move you from "something is wrong with me" to "this is what my family is." But it runs in the family says where a trait came from, and nothing about what happens next. It is still your relationship to run. If it starts to sound like a reason nothing can change, it helps to bring that back to the session. Why might I feel low or flat weeks after this session? Putting together a childhood nobody witnessed can bring a specific grief, for a child nobody understood. It can arrive days or weeks later, as flatness, irritability, or a sudden sense that therapy is not working. Knowing the word for it means neither of you has to read it as a relapse. If it deepens, or has not lifted after a couple of weeks, tell your therapist. Your workbook Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This one is for the week after the session, not the session itself. The questions that mattered, as you would answer them now A week later the answers are often different from the ones in the room. Nobody sees these unless you bring them. Which of the ways you were different felt like strengths, or brought you joy? Who made you feel understood, and what did they actually do? Was there anywhere you did not have to perform, anywhere you could just be however you were? — Yes, and I can name where, Somewhere, sort of, Nowhere, I have never thought about it before If yes: where, and what made it safe Seeing your traits as part of a family pattern rather than a personal flaw: — Changed how I see myself, Changed it a little, Did not change anything, I do not see the pattern, Too early to say If you were the partner listening One question, and it is the one people do not say out loud. Somewhere on those pages, did you find yourself? — Yes, Maybe, No, I would rather not say yet A few days on Fill this in a few days after the session, not the same evening. A few days on, how has it landed? — Fine, Flat, Short-tempered, Sad, Relieved, Convinced this is not working Whatever it is, one line about it for the next session Where this comes from Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson. Research discussion Nothing on the nine pages is a validated instrument. It is a structured way of putting together an account of a childhood, kept in three kinds of ink: what you remember, what someone can confirm, and what nobody knows. The studies behind this module support the reasons for the questions, not the questions themselves. The undiagnosed figure comes from prospectively collected English primary-care records for one year, which is about as clean as this kind of count gets.1 The caution is geographic: it describes one country’s record-keeping. The lost-generation framing is a review, cited for the idea.2 That undiagnosed relatives survive in family language as character rather than condition is our observation, with no study behind the vocabulary. The bullying figure is pooled across seventeen studies, and the path from being bullied to a core belief is plausible rather than demonstrated.3 The camouflaging study is ninety-two people describing their own experience; it says what passing can cost, not how common the cost is.4 The acceptance study is one survey of 111 adults at a single point in time, so the direction is not established; it is quoted for the size of the association.5 The study Autism diagnoses in England, by age, in one year1 Who this research was done with. The couples studies behind most of this module drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you. Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated September 27, 2026 Peer-reviewed research 1. O'Nions E, Petersen I, Buckman JEJ, Charlton R, Cooper C, Corbett A, Happe F, Manthorpe J, Richards M, Saunders R, Zanker C, Mandy W, Stott J (2023) Autism in England: Assessing underdiagnosis in a population-based cohort study of prospectively collected primary care data. The Lancet Regional Health - Europe, 29, 100626 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lanepe.2023.100626 Population-based cohort using prospectively collected English primary-care records. Diagnosed autism prevalence in 2018 was 2.94 per cent among 10-14-year-olds and 0.02 per cent among those aged 70 and over. The authors estimated that between 435,700 and 1,197,300 autistic people in England were undiagnosed, 59 to 72 per cent of the autistic population. Limitation: one country's record-keeping in one year; the undiagnosed estimate depends on assumptions about true prevalence, which is why it is a range. 2. Lai MC, Baron-Cohen S (2015) Identifying the lost generation of adults with autism spectrum conditions. The Lancet Psychiatry, 2(11), 1013-1027 . https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(15)00277-1 Review article naming and characterizing the cohort of adults who reached adulthood before autism was widely recognized and who remain undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Limitation: a review, not a study, and cited here for the framing rather than for any figure. 3. Maiano C, Normand CL, Salvas MC, Moullec G, Aime A (2016) Prevalence of school bullying among youth with autism spectrum disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Autism Research, 9(6), 601-615 . https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.1568 Systematic review and meta-analysis of 17 studies of school bullying among autistic children and adolescents. Pooled prevalence of general victimization was about 44 per cent, and of verbal victimization about 50 per cent. Limitation: prevalence figures pooled across studies with different measures and settings, and the path from victimization to a later core belief is plausible rather than demonstrated by this study. 4. Hull L, Petrides KV, Allison C, Smith P, Baron-Cohen S, Lai MC, Mandy W (2017) "Putting on my best normal": Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5 92 autistic adults described in their own words why they camouflaged, what it consisted of, and its consequences, analyzed thematically into a three-stage model: motivations (fitting in, connecting with others), techniques (masking and compensation), and consequences (exhaustion, challenging stereotypes, and threats to self-perception and identity, including feeling fake or losing a sense of self). Limitation: a qualitative study, so it describes what camouflaging can involve and cost; it cannot say how common any of it is. 5. Cage E, Di Monaco J, Newell V (2018) Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484 . https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7 Survey of 111 autistic adults measuring perceived acceptance from others, personal acceptance of their autism, and depression, anxiety and stress. In the regression model, external acceptance and personal acceptance together predicted 52.1 per cent of the variance in depression scores. Limitation: cross-sectional, so the direction of the relationship is not established, and a single self-report sample. A childhood nobody was measuring, taken seriously The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. The neurodiversity supplement is read before you arrive, we start with joy and who understood you, and nothing you wrote is read aloud unless you choose it. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing. Talk with our team Up next Module 12 — Competing Sensory Needs, Then and Now All 29 modules in The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program

POP QUIZ: Are You Asking the RIGHT Questions in Your Neurodiverse Relationship? Want to test your communication skills? Look at the questions below and ask: "Do I say more of the ❌'s or ✅'s?" There’s no shame either way—just insight. Want to test your communication skills? Look at the questions below and ask: "Do I say more of the ❌'s or ✅'s?" There’s no shame either way—just insight. Allistic to Autistic ❌ "Why aren't you listening to me?" ✅ "Did I catch you at a bad time to talk, or is something making this hard to take in?" ❌ "Can't you just be more flexible?" ✅ "What parts of our routine help you feel steady, and where could we build in some wiggle room together?" ❌ "Why don’t you care how I feel?" ✅ " I know you care in your own way —can you help me see how you usually show it?" Autistic to Allistic ❌ "Why are you always so emotional?" ✅ "Your feelings matter to me, even if I don’t always get it—can you walk me through what’s going on for you?" ❌ "Do we have to talk about this AGAIN?" ✅ "I know this is important to you. Can we find a rhythm for these talks that works better for both of us?" ❌ "Why can't you just say exactly what you mean ?" ✅ "Sometimes I need things to be really direct. Can we figure out a way to meet in the middle?" So, how’d that quiz go? If you ended up with more ❌s than ✅s, don’t stress. You’re in good company—most couples do! These habits are super common and totally normal. The good news? They’re also things you can work on. Just noticing them is already a big step in the right direction. 🌟 Try This Week: Pick just one ✅ or "better way" question and ask your partner this weekend. Watch how even a small shift makes things better! And, yes, I know this might feel impossibly hard. That’s exactly why neurodiverse couples therapy exists. One of our neuro-informed therapists can help you both learn how to ask questions and connect in new ways that can transform your relationship. Go deeper: Our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program has a whole module on this kind of conversation: Module 4, Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening . You've got this, Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Take the First Step 🔦 Spotlight on Liz McClanahan Specialties · Neurodiverse Couples Therapy · Autism & ADHD · Parenting Autistic Children · Intimacy, Sex, Affair Recovery · Anger Management · Life Transitions Professional Qualifications · Neurodiverse Couples Specialist · Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Azusa Pacific University (APU) · Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist Personal Experience · My husband is on the Autism Spectrum and received his diagnosis later in life. I am so proud of my 26-year marriage and the fact that we were able to reconcile after a divorce and remarry. · My two children are also on the Spectrum. They have taught me how differences can be intensely beautiful and frustrating at the same time. Learn more about Liz! Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Frequently Asked Questions Tip: Want more resources? 📄 See our Quick Fact Sheet for a short, skimmable overview of our services. 📖 Read our in-depth Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Article for a full overview of challenges, therapy approaches, and more. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 1. What is neurodiverse couples counseling? Answer: Neurodiverse couples counseling is therapy designed for relationships where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent. It focuses on... Frequently Asked Questions Tip: Want more resources? 📄 See our Quick Fact Sheet for a short, skimmable overview of our services. 📖 Read our in-depth Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Article for a full overview of challenges, therapy approaches, and more. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 1. What is neurodiverse couples counseling? Answer: Neurodiverse couples counseling is therapy designed for relationships where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent. It focuses on improving communication, building emotional safety, and helping partners understand each other’s unique ways of thinking and feeling. Unlike traditional counseling, this approach uses strategies that account for neurological differences so couples feel understood and supported. 2. Can autistic or ADHD partners feel empathy and love? Answer: Yes. Autistic and ADHD partners are fully capable of empathy and love. They may simply express or process emotions differently. This difference is sometimes misunderstood as “lacking empathy,” but in reality, it’s about a mismatch in communication styles. Therapy helps both partners recognize and share empathy in ways that strengthen connection. 3. What is the Double Empathy Problem? Answer: The Double Empathy Problem describes how both autistic and neurotypical partners can struggle to understand each other’s perspectives. It’s not a “deficit” in one person—it’s a two-way misunderstanding caused by different communication and emotional styles. Counseling helps bridge this gap so both partners feel heard and valued. 4. What challenges bring neurodiverse couples to therapy? Answer: Common reasons include recurring conflicts about “tone” or chores , emotional distance, sensory overload, mismatched needs for intimacy, parenting struggles, or feeling like you’re speaking “different languages.” These challenges don’t mean your relationship is broken—they mean you may need tools built specifically for neurodiverse partnerships. 5. How does therapy for neurodiverse couples work? Answer: We focus on eliminating unhelpful patterns, creating emotional safety, and building a roadmap toward closeness. Sessions may involve the couple together, plus individual support for each partner. Our therapists teach practical strategies to improve communication, manage conflict, and reconnect —without blame, pressure, or trying to “fix” one person. 6. What makes your approach different from traditional couples therapy? Answer: Traditional therapy often overlooks neurodiversity, sometimes even suggesting autistic partners can’t feel empathy or love. We reject that myth. Our team customizes every counseling plan to the unique needs of each couple—we don’t believe in one-size-fits-all therapy. While many traditional approaches overlook neurodiversity, we design our methods specifically for autistic and ADHD partners and their loved ones. Three things set us apart: Ongoing Specialized Training – Every therapist receives weekly training on neurodiversity-focused content, ensuring our approaches stay current and effective. Collaborative Case Support – We hold weekly case consultations and supervision so that no couple’s challenges are handled in isolation—your therapist has a full team behind them. Continuous Professional Growth – All team members pursue ongoing continuing education in neurodiverse relationships, keeping us at the forefront of best practices. In addition, we use a strengths-based, solution-focused model that emphasizes safety, communication, and mutual understanding. With your permission, we may integrate a couples therapist plus individual therapists for each partner, coordinating care so both partners feel fully supported. 7. What if one partner isn’t sure about being autistic or ADHD? Answer: That’s okay. A formal diagnosis isn’t required to start . Many couples come to us simply because they notice “different wiring” is affecting communication and connection. Therapy works whether or not a diagnosis is in place—and if desired, we can help California residents explore assessments for autism or ADHD. 8. Will this type of counseling actually help our relationship? Answer: Yes. Research shows that solution-focused therapy helps couples shift away from blame and toward problem-solving and emotional connection (McDowell et al., 2023). Many neurodiverse couples who work with us report more trust, less conflict, and a stronger bond over time. Change is usually gradual, but very possible. 9. How long does it take to see progress? Answer: Many couples feel relief within the first few sessions once they understand their patterns and learn new strategies. Meaningful progress takes time, but with consistency, couples often notice more empathy, teamwork, and closeness after just a few months. 10. Who do you work with? Answer: We support neurodiverse couples nationwide through online therapy or coaching. 11. Do you take insurance? Answer: No, we are a private-pay practice. For California therapy clients, we can provide superbills for possible out-of-network reimbursement. Please note that coaching services (all clients outside California) are not covered by insurance. 12. What if we’re in crisis? Answer: While we are here to help, we are not a crisis service. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911. For urgent mental health support, dial or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Go deeper: Curious what the work looks like before you book? Our free Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program walks through it one module at a time, and Module 3, Your Goals , helps you set a plan you both want. LEARN MORE 📖 Read our in-depth Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Article for a full overview of challenges, therapy approaches, and more. 📄 See our Quick Fact Sheet for a short, skimmable overview of services. Last reviewed: Aug 22, 2025 • Author: Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT (Clinical Director) GETTING STARTED We would love to create a safe place for you to break the painful patterns of the past and communicate in a new way. Please fill out our contact form and we will be glad to connect you with one of our team members. Mitchell, P., Sheppard, E., & Cassidy, S. (2021). Autism and the double empathy problem: Implications for development and mental health. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 39(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjdp.12350 Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel