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Quick Guide - Communication in Neurodiverse Relationships

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KEY FACTS

  1. Misunderstandings Between Neurodiverse Couples: Partners in neurodiverse relationships often feel like they are speaking different languages. While it may seem like the other person “just doesn’t get it,” many times this disconnect is simply a result of different communication styles.


  2. Different Styles, Different Approaches: Communication differences can create confusion when partners expect the other to “speak their language.” Common communication styles include:

    • Logical vs. Emotional: One partner may prioritize facts, while the other seeks emotional connection—leading to missed signals of care or support.

    • Concrete vs. Abstract: A concrete thinker may prefer clear instructions, while an abstract thinker uses ideas and metaphors—causing things to feel unclear or overly literal.

    • Absolutist vs. Relativistic: An absolutist may speak in firm “always/never” terms, while a relativistic partner sees shades of gray—making discussions feel rigid to one and vague to the other.

    • Conflict-Avoidant vs. Conflict-Insistent: One partner may shut down to keep peace, while the other pushes for resolution—fueling frustration on both sides.

  3. The Double Empathy Problem describes how both autistic and neurotypical partners can struggle to understand each other’s perspectives. It’s not a “deficit” in one person—it’s a two-way misunderstanding caused by different communication and emotional styles. Counseling helps bridge this gap so both partners feel heard and valued.

  4. Personal Filters Shape Messages: Past experiences, current mood, defensiveness, and expectations can all act as filters. These filters change how words are sent, heard, and understood.

  5. Recurring Patterns of Conflict: Many couples find themselves stuck in repeating cycles of miscommunication and negativity. Shifting the view to “us versus the pattern” rather than “me versus you” creates more space for teamwork.

  6. Practical Strategies That Help:

    • Pause and Reflect: Notice repeating conflict patterns and choose a different response.

    • Make Time to Process: Slow down, agree on an approach, and affirm each other’s effort.

    • Start with Intention: Open conversations with a calm, non-critical statement of purpose.


    • Write It Down: Express thoughts in writing or take notes while listening to support clarity.

    • Set Regular Check-Ins: Schedule consistent times to talk, even briefly, to build trust and routine.

  7. Counseling Supports Growth: With the help of a trained therapist, couples can learn to recognize their patterns, practice new strategies in a safe space, and strengthen understanding. Therapy that focuses on client strengths is especially helpful for neurodiverse communication as it helps partners identify and build on what they already do well, rather than focusing only on deficits.


 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQS)


1. Why does it sometimes feel like we’re speaking different languages? Answer: Because partners in neurodiverse relationships often use very different communication styles (logical vs. emotional, concrete vs. abstract, etc.). What feels natural to one may feel confusing or frustrating to the other.

2. Does this mean one of us is wrong or “bad” at communication?  Answer: No. Misunderstandings aren’t about right or wrong. They come from mismatched styles, expectations, and filters—not from one partner being at fault.

3. Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over?  Answer: Many couples fall into repeating cycles of conflict and negativity. Without realizing it, you may both be reacting to patterns rather than to each other in the present moment. Learning to press pause and see it as “us versus the pattern” helps break the cycle.

4. What are some practical tools we can try right now? Answer:

  • Write out thoughts before talking for clarity.

  • Start conversations with a calm, non-critical intention statement.

  • Take notes while listening to stay focused.

  • Schedule consistent times to check in, even if brief.


5. Can counseling really help with communication issues? Answer: Yes. Strengths-based therapy has been shown to be especially helpful for neurodiverse communication as it helps partners identify and build on what they already do well, rather than focusing only on deficits. Counseling gives couples a structured, supportive space to build their communication skills.



Last reviewed: Sep 11, 2025 • Authors: Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT (Clinical Director) and Jasmyne Mena (Director of Clinical Research & Scientific Communications, Senior Medical Writer, Neurodiversity)

REFERENCES


Edge, J. J., & Parker, S. (2025). “He was very confusing to me in the beginning”: a qualitative exploration of the romantic relationship experiences of neurotypical individuals with autistic partners. SN Social Sciences, 5(3), Article 22. https://doi.org/10.1007/s43545-025-01048-2


Merolla, A. J., Otmar, C. D., & Salehuddin, A. S. (2025). Past Relational Experiences and Social Interaction: Direct, Moderated, and Mediated Associations Between Relational Difficulty, Communication, and Perception in Two Samples. Communication Research, 52(3), 346–374. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/00936502231162232 


McDowell, C. N., Bryant, M. E., & Parker, M. L. (2023). Decoding Neurodiverse Couples Therapy: A Solution-Focused Approach. Sexuality & Disability, 41(2), 255–273. https://doi-org.libproxy.csudh.edu/10.1007/s11195-022-09765-9 


Mitchell, P., Sheppard, E. and Cassidy, S. (2021), Autism and the double empathy problem: Implications for development and mental health. Br J Dev Psychol, 39: 1-18. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjdp.12350


Ramos Salazar, L. (2015). The negative reciprocity process in marital relationships: A literature review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 24, 113–119. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1359178915000701 


Overton, A. R., & Lowry, A. C. (2013). Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people. Clinics in colon and rectal surgery, 26(4), 259–264. https://doi.org/10.1055/s-0033-1356728

Williams, D. L., Mazefsky, C. A., Walker, J. D., Minshew, N. J., & Goldstein, G. (2014). Associations between conceptual reasoning, problem solving, and adaptive ability in high-functioning autism. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 44(11), 2908–2920. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6067678/

WHY CHOOSE  US?

 

  • DEPTH OF TEAM — 30+ neuro-informed therapists and coaches. 16,000+
    sessions each year. The world’s largest practice dedicated to neurodiverse
    couples and individuals—so you benefit from deep, proven experience.
     

  • WE ARE NEURODIVERSE: More than 90% of our clinicians are
    neurodiverse themselves,     bringing a firsthand understanding of autism, ADHD,
    and related experiences. This lived perspective, combined with professional
    training, allows us to provide both expertise and genuine compassion to help you
    thrive.
     

  • OUR MODEL: We use a neurodiverse counseling model—practical, skills-
    based, and tailored to each couple.

    We don’t pathologize difference;     we name neurodiverse traits as natural
    human variations     in communication style, sensory needs, social energy, and
    executive functioning. Together, we map those patterns so both partners can see
    what’s really happening (not what they’re blaming each other for).
    ​
    From there, we translate insight into action:
     

    • shared language for signals and needs,

    • simple agreements for sensory fit,

    • clear routines for planning and follow-through, and

    • repair tools that reduce defensiveness.


The goal isn’t to make anyone “more normal.” It’s to help you work with your
differences—so empathy grows, teamwork strengthens, and your bond gets
measurably closer.
 

  • STRENGTH-BASED: Our neurodiverse counseling model is strengths-based
    and neuro-affirming     because that’s what works—well-supported in couples
    therapy and even more effective with neurodiverse couples. Instead of fixing
    “deficits,” we identify and deploy real assets—precision, honesty, loyalty, pattern
    recognition, creativity, deep focus—so they actively solve problems.

    This lowers shame, builds safety fast, and turns differences into shared tools: clearer signals and agreements, sensory fit instead of overload, and routines that reduce friction. The payoff is practical—fewer blowups, better follow-through, and a bond that strengthens because you’re using what you already do well, together.
     

  • OUR TEAM: Our experts are deeply compassionate and dedicated to helping neurodiverse couples thrive. Three things set our team apart:
     

    1. Ongoing Specialized Training – All team members receive weekly training on neurodiversity-focused content, ensuring our approaches stay current and effective.
       

    2. Collaborative Case Support – We hold weekly supervision sessions, including case consultations, so that no couple’s challenges are handled in isolation—your therapist has a full team behind them.
       

    3. Continuous Professional Growth – Every therapist pursues ongoing continuing education in neurodiverse relationships, keeping us at the forefront of best practices.
       

  • ASSESSMENTS: In addition to providing therapy, many of our clinicians are specially trained in conducting in-depth adult autism and ADHD assessments. If you’re seeking greater clarity or considering an in-depth evaluation, our team can guide you through the process with professionalism and care.
     

  • INSURANCE — We are insurance-friendly. As an out-of-network provider, we will send you a Superbill for therapy services that you can submit to your insurance company for potential reimbursement. Please know that we do NOT bill insurance directly or participate as an in-network provider.
     

    For more information, please visit the "Insurance/Fee" section on our FAQ page.
     

  • DIAGNOSIS OPTIONAL — You don’t need a diagnosis to get help with us.

    We can start with what’s happening now—communication loops, sensory needs, executive-function friction, meltdowns/shutdowns—and turn those patterns into clear agreements, better repairs, and real relief.

    If you’re in California and want a formal autism or ADHD evaluation, our licensed clinicians can provide it—but it’s not required to benefit.

    Either way, the goal is the same: less blame, more understanding, a stronger bond, and real individual healing.
     

  • NOT A CRISIS SERVICE — We’re not a crisis service. If you’re ever in
    immediate danger, call 911. For urgent mental health support, call or text 988 or
    go to https://988lifeline.org 

     

  • Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center is part of New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc.

 

 

WHO WE HELP

 

We support neurodiverse couples and individuals nationwide through online therapy or coaching.
 

Some common issues we help clients tackle include:
 

LEARN MORE


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