🧩 The Struggle to Connect: What's Really Going On?
I’m guessing that many of you have struggled to connect with your partner?
Probably for years…
But have you ever wondered what’s really behind this difficulty?
Is it a lack of social motivation on the part of the autistic partner?
Or is the effort required to connect simply too overwhelming?
💭 Social Motivation: A Key Factor?
Researchers have proposed the “Social Motivation Theory of Autism”, which suggests that autistic individuals may have a diminished intrinsic drive to seek out social interactions.
Unlike neurotypical individuals who naturally find social connections rewarding, those on the autism spectrum may not experience the same level of social motivation.
This reduced motivation can lead to fewer social interactions, which in turn contributes to underdeveloped skills in forming and maintaining relationships. The social motivation deficit comes first, leading to less ability to connect.
However, it’s crucial to understand the difference between motivation and desire.
Desire is the longing or wish for something, an emotional or cognitive state where a person wants a certain outcome.
Motivation is the drive or push that turns that desire into action. It’s the internal or external force that compels someone to take steps toward fulfilling that desire.
For autistic individuals, the desire for connection might still be present—they may deeply want to form relationships and feel connected to others.
However, the motivation to pursue these connections might be lower because the brain doesn’t register social rewards as strongly as it does in neurotypical individuals.
This doesn’t mean there’s a lack of desire, but rather that the drive to act on that desire is less compelling due to how these social interactions are processed in the brain.
Key Insight: The struggle to connect may stem from an inherent difference in how social rewards are perceived, rather than a lack of desire to connect.
🛠️ The Effort Barrier: A New Perspective
While social motivation might be lower for some autistic individuals, another significant factor is the sheer effort required to navigate social interactions.
For many on the spectrum, the effort can feel like climbing a mountain.
Contrary to the research we just discussed, a different study found that autistic adults can be just as motivated, if not more so, to engage in social interactions as their neurotypical counterparts.
However, the effort required—decoding social cues, managing sensory sensitivities, and following unspoken social rules—can be overwhelming.
This high level of effort can lead to withdrawal, not because the desire to connect isn’t there, but because the process is exhausting.
Revised Understanding: The challenge in connecting may not just be about motivation but also about the significant effort required to maintain social interactions.
For autistic individuals, this effort can be a critical barrier, even when the motivation to connect is strong.
🔄 Misinterpretations & Conflict: The Vicious Cycle
Neurodiverse couples often misinterpret each other.
Instead of understanding that their differences stem from how their brains work, they assume their partner’s behavior is intentional, leading them to take things personally.
When these misunderstandings accumulate, they can lead to conflict, which further diminishes the motivation for social interaction and makes the effort barrier seem even more insurmountable.
🛋️ What to do?
Here’s a suggestion to try at home:
1 - Find a time to have an open conversation with your partner about this topic.
2 - Ask each other whether you feel your connection struggles are more about motivation or effort.
3 - At this point, don't solve any problems. Take turns listening and only talk about how you understand yourself, not your partner. Try not to talk for your partner!
If this feels too overwhelming to tackle on your own, please reach out to us.
We’re here to help you clear away the misunderstandings that keep you stuck and explore how motivation and effort issues impact your relationship.
Warm regards,
Harry
Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT, Clinical Director
Founder Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center
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