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Module 16 — Who I Am, in My Own Words
Be understood for who you are.
Watch first: the Module 16 video
A narrated, 3D-animated video of about 4 minutes that opens and closes on the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center logo. It shows the one-page “Who I am, in my own words” sheet, with prompts like “I do best when” and “When I go quiet, it usually means,” written about yourself in the first person. A couple reads their pages as speaker and listener in a video-call session, then each picks one line to put to use at home.
Watch the Module 16 video: Who I Am, in My Own Words (MP4, about 4 minutes). The written lesson below covers the same ground in full.
The last three sessions looked at the labels you were given as a child, the shape of your strengths and struggles, and the places you misread each other. This session puts it into your own words. Each of you writes one short page about who you are and how you work, written for the person you live with, and reads it to them.
One page each, in your own words
Summary: what usually happens in the session
1 You each write one page about yourself at home. Five plain sentences to finish. No scores and no new questionnaire.
2 In the session, you each read your page to your partner. One of you at a time. Your partner listens without correcting.
3 Your partner says back what they heard, and asks one question. The same listening you practiced near the start of the program.
4 You each choose the one line that would help most at home. Your partner says what they will do when they see it.
5 You keep both pages, and look at them again in a few months. People change, and so do the pages.
Both of you write a page, whether one of you is neurodivergent or both are. One way this session can go, not a script. Your therapist will shape it to the two of you and to their own way of working.
Step 1. You each write one page about yourself at home
Before the session, each of you finishes five sentences about yourself. Short answers are fine. A few words each is enough.
The five sentences. I do best when...
It is hard for me when...
When I go quiet, or get loud, it usually means...
What helps me is...
Something I want you to know about me is...
Most people find their answers in the last three sessions: the label you set down, the areas on your wheel, the misreads the two of you found. You do not need all of it, only what matters most for living together.
Write how you really are. Not how you are at work, or on a good day. Many neurodivergent adults have spent years looking fine on the outside, and the page is a place to stop doing that. For the partner who is not neurodivergent, the page is just as important: what you have been carrying, and what you need, belong on it too.
An example. Your five answers will be your own, and they can be short. Most people draw them from the last three sessions.
If it does not feel safe. If something you want to write is not safe to say in front of your partner, leave it off the page and tell your therapist on your own. That comes first.
Step 2. In the session, you each read your page to your partner
Your therapist asks who would like to go first. That person reads their page out loud, all five sentences, to their partner rather than to the screen. If reading aloud is hard, you can share the page first, or your therapist can read it for you.
The partner listening does not correct it, add to it or explain their side. It is the other person’s page, about themselves, and they are the one who knows.
How your therapist sets it up. Read it to your partner, not to me. And for the one listening: this is not the moment to agree or disagree. Just take it in.
Step 3. Your partner says back what they heard, and asks one question
When the page is read, the partner who listened says back what they heard, in their own words, and asks if they got it right. This is the listening you practiced in Neuro-Informed Reflective Listening. Then they ask one question about the page, to understand it better. Then you swap.
This is the listening from the start of the program, used on the page. The question is to understand, not to argue.
Why the third sentence matters so much. What going quiet or getting loud means is where couples misread each other most. Adults with ADHD often feel emotions faster and more strongly than other adults,1 and many autistic adults describe rejection or criticism as landing very hard.2 From the outside, both can look like anger or not caring. Hearing it in your partner’s own words changes how you read the next quiet evening.
Hearing a partner’s page can bring up feelings: relief, sadness about the years it was not said, or a pang at something that stings. Your therapist leaves room for that, for both of you, before moving on.
Step 4. You each choose the one line that would help most at home
Each of you picks one line from your own page, the one that would make the most difference if your partner kept it in mind this week. Then your partner says what they will do when they see it, in words small enough to actually happen.
The line is chosen by the person whose page it is. The partner says what they will do, in words small enough to happen.
The question. Which line do you most want your partner to remember this week? And for you: when you see that happening, what will you do?
The way this goes wrong. The page turns into a list of what the other person should change: “You always...” It is a page about you, in the first person. When a sentence starts with “you,” your therapist gently asks you to say it again starting with “I.”
Step 5. You keep both pages, and look at them again in a few months
Keep the two pages where both of you can find them. People change, and a hard stretch, a new job or a new baby can change the answers. Look at them together every few months, or whenever one of you feels misunderstood again, and change whatever no longer fits.
After the session
This week, each of you watches for your partner’s one line, and does the small thing you said you would. At the next session your therapist asks how it went, starting with what worked.
Being described in your own words, and heard, is different from being labeled.
The next part of the program turns to the fights you keep having. The pages help there: when a fight starts, you already know what the other person’s quiet, or their raised voice, usually means. The workbook below holds your page.
If this is hard to do. If this is too much right now, there is no need to push through it. Spend some time with your partner talking about what makes it hard, and share the feelings that come up: feeling exposed, worry about being judged, sadness that it took this long. That conversation is part of the work.
What are the five sentences?
The five sentences are: I do best when..., It is hard for me when..., When I go quiet, or get loud, it usually means..., What helps me is..., and Something I want you to know about me is.... Short answers are fine, and a few words each is enough. Most people find their answers in the labels, wheels and misreads from the last three sessions.
Does the partner who is not neurodivergent write a page too?
Yes. Both of you write a page, whether one of you is neurodivergent or both are. For the partner who is not neurodivergent, the page is just as important: what you have been carrying, and what you need, belong on it too. Each page is about you, in the first person, written for the person you live with.
Is this page an assessment or a test?
No. There are no scores and no new questionnaire, and the page is not an assessment. It is a description of who you are and how you work, in your own words, written how you really are rather than how you are on a good day. Being described in your own words, and heard, is different from being labeled.
What if something I want to write does not feel safe to say?
If something you want to write is not safe to say in front of your partner, you can leave it off the page and tell your therapist on your own. That comes first. The rest of the page can be written how you really are, not how you are at work or on a good day.
Your workbook
Your answers save to this device only - we cannot see a word of what you write. This is your page: five sentences about who you are, and the one line you most want your partner to remember.
Who I am, in my own words
Short answers are fine. Write how you really are, not how you are on a good day.
I do best when...
It is hard for me when...
When I go quiet, or get loud, it usually means...
What helps me is...
Something I want you to know about me is...
One line, put to use
Chosen in the session.
The one line I most want my partner to remember this week
What my partner said they will do when they see it
When we will look at our pages again
Where this comes from
Every source below was checked against the published record. They are grouped by the kind of evidence they are, so the numbers may not run straight down the page — a number points back to where the source is used in the lesson.
Research discussion
The steps in this session come from our clinical work with neurodiverse couples. They have not been tested in a trial. The idea that a description in your own words helps a couple more than a label comes from what many couples have told us, not from a study. The session asks for no new questionnaire on purpose: the wheel in Your Spiky Profile is enough, and this page is not an assessment.
The emotion study1 pulled together 13 studies of more than 2,500 adults and found that adults with ADHD have much more trouble managing strong feelings than adults without ADHD. The adults were recruited through clinics, so the finding may not describe everyone with ADHD.
The rejection review2 looked at 12 studies of how autistic adults respond to rejection. People describe the experience in the same way, but the studies measured it differently and disagreed about how intense it is. It is a small set of studies, so it cannot say how common intense reactions are.
Who this research was done with. The studies behind this module, none of them of couples, drew heavily on white, comparatively well-off, English-speaking participants. If your household carries pressures those samples did not — money, immigration, racism, disability, unsafe housing — the practice still applies, but the room you are practicing in is harder. That is the room, not you.
Clinically reviewed by Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT · California LMFT #53452 · Founder and Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center · Clinical supervisor · Updated September 27, 2026
Peer-reviewed research
1. Beheshti A, Chavanon ML, Christiansen H (2020) Emotion dysregulation in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: A meta-analysis. BMC Psychiatry, 20, 120. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-2442-7 Meta-analysis of 13 studies (N = 2,535) comparing adults with clinically diagnosed ADHD to healthy controls. General emotion dysregulation was higher in ADHD (Hedges' g = 1.17), with emotional lability the strongest facet (g = 1.20); symptom severity correlated with dysregulation (r = 0.54). The authors conclude emotional symptoms are a core feature of adult ADHD. Limitation: moderator analyses could not be run because the included studies reported too little; clinical samples.
2. van Asselt A, Reekers D, Roke Y (2026) Rejection sensitivity dysphoria in autistic adults: A scoping review. Neurodiversity, 4. https://doi.org/10.1177/27546330261441753 PRISMA-ScR scoping review of responses to rejection and criticism in autistic adults and adults with high autistic traits, published through May 2025: 1,285 records screened, 12 studies included (four qualitative, six experimental, two cross-sectional). RSD is not an established research construct and is not in DSM-5 or ICD-11; conceptualizations and measures varied considerably, quantitative findings on intensity were inconsistent, qualitative studies consistently described rejection as highly impactful, and no study examined criticism or evaluated an intervention. Limitation: a scoping review of a small and heterogeneous literature; it cannot say how common intense rejection responses are.
Described in your own words, and heard
The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center works with couples where one or both partners are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD. In this session each partner writes one short page about who they are and how they work, reads it to the other, and is heard. Therapy for clients in California, coaching worldwide, all by telehealth. A first conversation costs nothing.
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