Conversation Starters for Couples

Most couples run out of things to say long before they run out of things to know. These are grouped by theme so you can pick a direction rather than working through a list.

Two ways to use these. Ask each other and answer honestly, or — if you have been together a long time — answer for your partner first and then find out whether you were right. You do not have to do a whole section. Three good questions is a good night. If reading a question cold is hard, look at the list ahead of time and mark the ones you actually want to be asked.

What you want, what you fear

• If you didn't have to worry about earning money, what would you most likely do for the rest of your life?
• What is one of your greatest fears?
• What do you consider your greatest strengths?
• What is your biggest regret?
• What is the one thing you'd like to change about yourself?
• Where do you hope to be in ten years?
• Would you want to be an advocate for a particular cause? Which one?

Imagine it

• If you could meet one celebrity or one significant person from history, who would it be?
• If you could return to one place again, where would it be?
• If you could have dinner with any three historical figures, who would you choose?
• Would you rather live year-round in a desert or a frozen tundra?
• If you could choose your last meal, what would you eat?
• Would you prefer to live in the city or the country? Why?

Your story so far

• What is the most adventurous thing you have done?
• What was the happiest moment of your life?
• What was your most embarrassing moment? How did you handle it?
• Who has been the most influential person in your life?
• Who was the first person in your life who died, and how did you feel?
• What is the biggest mistake you think you ever made, and how did it change your life?
• Have you ever been able to break a bad habit? What was it?
• What is the most impulsive thing you have ever done?
• What is the riskiest thing you have ever done?
• What is the nicest thing anyone ever said to you?
• What is the most memorable gift you have ever received?
• If you could change anything about your childhood, would you? What would you change?
• Who was your hero growing up?
• Who was your favorite teacher? Why?
• What is something funny you can do that hardly anyone knows about?
• Have you ever learned to speak another language?
• What was the highlight of your day today?

Earlier relationships

• Have friends ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship for you?
• Have you ever had a crush on someone you probably shouldn't have — a teacher, a friend?
• Have differences about free time ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

Favorites and small things

• What is the last book you read?
• Did you have a pet growing up? Which one was your favorite?
• What is your favorite time of year? Why?
• Are you a morning person or a night person?
• Who is your favorite actor or actress?
• Who is your favorite singer or band?
• Who is your least favorite actor or actress?
• What is your favorite color?
• What is your favorite season?
• What is your favorite type of food?
• What is your least favorite type of food?
• What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten?
• What are your hobbies? What do you do in your free time?
• Do you have a dog, a cat, or another beloved pet?
• What is your favorite day of the week?

Screens and online

• How much time do you spend online in a day?
• What are your favorite social media sites?
• Do you post photos of yourself online?

Time off and going out

• Do you look forward to our nights out, or do you prefer us at home?
• What is the best concert or show you have ever seen live?
• Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do?
• Do you usually go out to the movies, or do you prefer to watch them at home?
• Would you rather see your favorite band or an orchestra?
• Do you enjoy museums or art shows?
• Do you like to dance? What kind?
• Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable?
• Do you enjoy having people over?

Where you come from

• Who are you most like in your family?
• Which family member outside your immediate family were you closest to growing up?
• What did your family teach you about relationships?
• What did your family teach you about love?
• What core values did your family hold?
• Do you wish you were closer to your family, or further from it?
• How do you create distance from your family when you need it?
• What was conflict like in your family growing up?
• What did your family teach you about health?
• Looking back, what kind of discipline do you believe in?
• Do you believe children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
• How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child?
• Do people in your family hold long-term grudges?
• How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
• How often do you wish you could talk with your parents? Your siblings?
• What did you admire about the way your parents treated each other?
• Growing up, was it important that everyone be there for dinner?
• What qualities make a good parent?
• Do you wish anything were different about your relationship with your parents?
• What were your parents' messages to you about education?

Just the two of us

• Have I ever embarrassed you?
• If I had bad breath, body odor, or dirty clothes, would you tell me? Should I tell you? How should we do it?
• What is one thing I do that drives you crazy?
• What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
• If physical attraction were taken out of our relationship, what would be left?
• When are you proud of me?
• What do you like most about my body?
• How should I bring concerns about our relationship to you from now on?
• How do you know when I'm mad?
• What is the best way for me to show that I love you?
• What does my family do that annoys you?

Work and money

• What is the largest purchase you have ever made?
• Have you ever been fired?
• What is your dream job?
• Do you think of your work as a career, or as a job?
• How do you define success?
• Do you wish you could work more hours, or fewer?
• If you could turn back the clock, what other profession would you choose?

And one more

What is the one burning question you wish I would ask you?

What I want to remember from this

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You are not done learning them: Long-term partners often stop asking because they assume they already know the answer. Answer one of these for your partner, then let them correct you — the places where you were wrong are where the interesting conversation has been waiting.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Staying Close, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Stay close in ordinary weeks: small daily moments and a short check-in that fits you both.
• Who I Am, in My Own Words, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Each partner finishes five plain sentences about who they are and how they work, reads the page to the other, and is heard.
• The Love List, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The Love List for neurodiverse couples: twenty specific things that make you feel loved, read aloud in session and posted where you see them.