FROM SHAME TO ACCEPTANCE

 

“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality.

Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.”

― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback

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FIRST PRIORITY

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Our first priority is to be able to see the beauty of our differences. This journey may require rethinking a life of experiencing negative messages from society. This rethinking process must operate in the background of all the more tactical work that is done as it is critical to be able to show up in a way that is less defensive and more whole.

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SECOND PRIORITY

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Once this primary work is underway, a secondary goal of many of our autistic clients is to increase the ability to meet the needs of the neurotypical partner AND, at the same time, stay true to himself. It is a delicate balance, one that our therapy team will support you in.

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EXAMPLE THERAPY ROADMAP

 

When we work together we will review the list below and together construct a session-by-session roadmap of our work together. ​
 

• Strengths

  • Identify your strengths and build a plan on how to leverage them in your relationship.
     

  • Make peace with your Asperger traits.
     

• Sensory processing

  • Understand your sensory processing system.  In basic terms, your sensory processing system is how your brain detects, prioritizes, and remembers what is happening around you and inside of you.
     

  • Explore strategies to manage your sensory sensitivities so you can express them to your partner and build a management plan together.
     

  • Learn ways to recognize, decompress, and communicate with your partner when you reach sensory overload/overwhelm and enter "defense mode".
     

• Non-Literal Thinking

  • Learning alternatives to literal thinking and deciphering non-verbal communication.
     

• Executive Function

  • Addressing executive function issues which may exist. “Tuning out” is a typical coping strategy of an autism profile. When this happens, one's partner understandably does not feel acknowledged or listened to. We explore lots of ways to address the needs of both partners to increase connection without overwhelming either partner. More specifically, we typically work on: 
     

    • Planning and organization skills
       

    • Initiating tasks
       

    • Multi-tasking versus one task at a time
       

    • Self-monitoring
       

    • Completing undesirable tasks
       

    • Setting and communicating timetables
       

• Partnership Mindset

  • Shifting one's worldview from a “bachelor state of mind” to one of partnership or parent.
     

  • Clearly identify differences in your primary relationship and ways to bridge the gap.
     

  • Set your relationship goals that are consistent with your values and identity
     

• Prioritize Change

  • Identify the absolutely most important behaviors and/or traits you want to work on because they are valuable to both of you (not all of them!).
     

• Concrete Action Plan

  • Build a plan to break goals into understandable concrete steps and a timetable for action that does not feel pressured.
     

  • Determine the best approach for each skill/goal; whether to learn by rote, by deeper understanding or by trial and error.
     

  • Have a social skills mentor / accountability partner (not your partner!)
     

  • Practice, practice, practice
     

  • Learn how to collect and accept feedback (without freaking out or feeling shame, criticism or defensiveness).
     

  • Once you've met initial goals, add a long-term maintenance plan to your roadmap.
     

• Learn to genuinely enjoy the journey.

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The efforts put in by the autistic partner are usually greatly appreciated by the neurotypical partner. That is why integrated therapy (couples plus individual therapy) can be so powerful.