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What's Going On Between Us?
When something in a relationship keeps hurting, it can be genuinely hard to tell what it is. Two people wired differently can collide in good faith and both end up hurt — and sometimes a pattern is actually harmful. Often you can't sort that out on your own, and you shouldn't have to. This worksheet won't hand you a verdict. Its job is to help you describe what's happening clearly, so you can bring it to a therapist or psychiatrist and work it out together.
If you ever feel afraid, don't wait: If you feel scared, controlled, or unsafe with your partner, that isn't a 'difference or not' question to save for an appointment. Please reach out now — to someone you trust, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788). Fear and control are not wiring differences.
What actually happens
Describe specific moments the way a camera would — what happened, what led up to it, how often. Skip the labels and conclusions for now; just the facts.
The situations
Row 1
- What happens: ____________________
- What leads up to it: ____________________
- How often: ____________________
Row 2
- What happens: ____________________
- What leads up to it: ____________________
- How often: ____________________
Row 3
- What happens: ____________________
- What leads up to it: ____________________
- How often: ____________________
Anything important the table doesn't capture
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What each of us does
My part — what I do in these moments
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What my partner does
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What we've already tried
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How it lands on me
Notice the texture of it. There are no right answers here, and ticking something doesn't decide anything — it's just to talk through. Bring whatever's true.
How I feel during and afterward
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- [ ] I can be honest with them without bracing for their reaction
- [ ] I've started walking on eggshells or hiding things
- [ ] I feel free to say no and have it respected
- [ ] I feel smaller, more anxious, or less myself than I used to
- [ ] After a rough patch, we can actually repair and reconnect
What I want to ask
You're allowed to put the question directly to your therapist or psychiatrist. Writing it down first makes it easier to say out loud.
Example: 'When this happens, I genuinely can't tell — is it a difference in how we're wired, or is it something that isn't okay? Can you help me see it clearly?'
The questions I want to bring to my therapist or psychiatrist
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You don't have to figure this out alone: Telling a difference from a problem is exactly the kind of thing a trained professional can help with. Bringing it in — written down and specific — gives them something real to work with, and gives you a clearer voice in the room.
Go deeper
Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.
- Therapy for the Neurodiverse Couple, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why standard couples therapy can misfire for neurodiverse couples, how to tell a mismatch from control, and how to find a therapist who actually fits.
- A Therapist Who Gets It, from Self-Identification. How to find one, what "neuro-affirming" should mean in practice rather than on a profile page, and what a bad fit looks like early.
- Neurodiverse Relationships, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Neurodiverse relationships: the double empathy problem, four couple patterns, and what helps.