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Values, Not Verdicts

Some people land here genuinely unable to control a behavior. Others land here because a behavior collides with something they were taught to believe - and the distress is real, but it's a different problem with a different solution. This worksheet helps you tell the difference, so you don't end up treating a values conflict as if it were an addiction.

Distress isn't proof of disorder: Feeling guilty or ashamed about a sexual behavior doesn't automatically mean something's wrong with you. Sometimes it means the behavior clashes with a rule you absorbed - often one you never consciously chose.

Where did the rule come from?

Think about the sexual behavior you're distressed about. Where did you learn it was wrong or shameful?

  • [ ] Family
  • [ ] Religion or faith community
  • [ ] Culture or community
  • [ ] A partner or ex
  • [ ] Media or peers
  • [ ] I'm not actually sure

What's the message I absorbed, and who from?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Do I still hold this belief?

There's a difference between a rule handed to you and a value you actually hold as an adult.

Example — A rule I absorbed: Any sexual interest outside the 'norm' is shameful · Do I actually still believe this now?: ...

Row 2

  • A rule I absorbed: ____________________
  • Do I actually still believe this now?: ____________________

Row 3

  • A rule I absorbed: ____________________
  • Do I actually still believe this now?: ____________________

What do I genuinely believe?

Setting aside what I was taught, what do I actually believe about this behavior now?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

If the shame lifted, would this still feel like a problem to me?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

If it's mostly values, the work is clarity - not quitting: If your distress is mainly about a belief you no longer fully hold, the path forward is values clarification, maybe with a therapist - not treating yourself like an addict. And if you do still hold the value, that's okay too: you get to align your behavior with it, without shame doing the driving.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

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