The Unwritten Rules of Dating

Dating runs almost entirely on unwritten rules — how fast to text back, who plans, who pays, when it's exclusive — that most people absorb without ever being taught. If they baffle you, you're not bad at dating; you were just never handed the rulebook everyone else seems to have. Here's the freeing part: most of these 'rules' are arbitrary conventions, not moral laws, and you're allowed to ask about them or do things your own way.

The rules that trip me up

• [ ] How fast / how often to text
• [ ] Who's supposed to plan or initiate
• [ ] Who pays
• [ ] When it becomes exclusive
• [ ] 'Playing it cool' / not seeming too keen
• [ ] When to call vs text vs meet up

The dating 'rules' that confuse me most

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Decode a few

For each, the point is: what's it actually about, and what will YOU do? Fill in your own.

Decoder

How fast to text back

• What it's usually signalling: ____________________
• What works for me / how I'll handle it: ____________________

Who plans the date

• What it's usually signalling: ____________________
• What works for me / how I'll handle it: ____________________

Who pays

• What it's usually signalling: ____________________
• What works for me / how I'll handle it: ____________________

'Playing it cool'

• What it's usually signalling: ____________________
• What works for me / how I'll handle it: ____________________

When in doubt, ask or name it

You can ask about their style, or just declare yours. Both beat silently guessing.

Example: 'What's your texting style — constant, or more here-and-there?' • 'Heads up, I'm a slow texter; it's never about interest.'

Something I'll ask about or name out loud rather than guess

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Rules aren't morals: Most dating 'rules' are conventions, not laws. Breaking one isn't a failure, and the right person isn't keeping a scorecard. The goal is finding someone whose real style fits yours — not performing the script flawlessly.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Communication Across Neurotypes, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why autistic and non-autistic people misunderstand each other: the double empathy problem, direct vs indirect styles, and cross-neurotype repair.
• Neurodiverse Relationships, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Neurodiverse relationships: the double empathy problem, four couple patterns, and what helps.