I vs. We: Goals & Raw Spots

Three connected practices that move a couple from blame toward partnership: speaking from 'I' instead of 'you,' naming the raw spot underneath a reaction, and setting goals both as individuals and as a team.

Part 1 — The 'I vs. We' Exchange

Take turns. The speaker uses the I-statement frame; the listener simply reflects back what they heard before responding. Then switch.

Partner A speaks

I feel / I would feel…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

When…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Partner B reflects: 'So what you said was…'

______________________________________________

Partner B speaks

I feel / I would feel…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

When…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

So I would like it if… (Is that okay?)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Partner A reflects: 'So what you said was…'

______________________________________________

Part 2 — Raw Spots

Underneath most big reactions is a raw spot — an old, tender place. Naming it gives your partner something to be gentle with. Fill this in about a recent incident.

In this incident, the trigger for my raw feelings was when…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

On the surface, I probably showed… (e.g., anger, distance, sarcasm)

______________________________________________

But deep down, I just felt… (e.g., sad, ashamed, afraid)

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

What I longed for was…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

The main message I got — about our relationship, about me, or about whether I'm loved — was…

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Part 3 — Goal-Setting

Each partner fills in their own goals at three levels. Then compare — the comparison is the real exercise.

My PERSONAL goals (1-3):

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

My COUPLE goals (1-3):

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

My FAMILY goals (1-3):

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Compare Notes

Trade lists and talk through these together.

Did any of your partner's goals surprise you?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

How do your goals complement or compete with each other's?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

How can you each contribute to achieving the other's goals?

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

The first small step toward one shared goal:

______________________________________________

On the raw-spots language: The raw-spots idea is drawn from Emotionally Focused Therapy (Dr. Sue Johnson). The I-statement and goal-setting structures are common couples-work tools; the wording here is our own.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Underneath the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session under the loop for a neurodiverse couple: the deeper feeling named, said to your partner and heard, then turned into a clear request.
• Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
• RSD and Conflict, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why small feedback can land as a huge wound — 'RSD' (a popular term, not a diagnosis), the science underneath, and how to give feedback that lands.
• The Roles We Fall Into, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How couples drift into lopsided roles and the parent-child trap, and how to renegotiate around real strengths.