Family of Origin: Part One

NEW PATH FAMILY

LEARNING CENTER

Click here for Plain Text Version

The family you grew up in handed you a set of invisible blueprints — unspoken rules about how closeness works, what feelings are allowed, how conflict gets handled, and what you believe you deserve. This worksheet brings those blueprints into view so you and your therapist or coach start from a shared map instead of piecing your history together session by session.

You set the pace: These pages ask about wounds, hard memories, and things that may never have been said out loud. You are always in control of what you share and when. If a question feels too raw, note it in a word or skip it entirely — then bring it to your session. This is a starting point for conversation, not a required disclosure.

Answer about your childhood, up to age 18. Do not answer based on your current life. There are no right answers here — honest reflection matters more than a polished one. You do not have to finish in one sitting.

A note for coaching clients: coaching does not include diagnosing or treating psychological conditions. These pages surface patterns or past experiences that may be blocking progress toward your stated goals. If something comes up that feels clinical, your coach may refer you to a licensed professional.

1. Strengths of Your Caregivers

Write down the strengths of your primary caregivers. When you are done, go back and mark the ones that had the most impact on you.

Words other people have used: Warm. Loving. Always there. Nurturing. Sense of humor. Intelligent. Hard-working. Playful.

Caregiver strengths

Row 1

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 2

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 3

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 4

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 5

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 6

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 7

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 8

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

2. Weaknesses of Your Caregivers

Now the weaknesses. Seeing both lists side by side is the point — it lets you hold your caregivers as whole people rather than sorting them into good or bad. Mark the ones that had the most impact on you.

Words other people have used: Never there. Critical. Anxious. Angry. Controlling. Cold. Distant. Preoccupied. Depressed.

Caregiver weaknesses

Row 1

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 2

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 3

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 4

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 5

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 6

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 7

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Row 8

Mom: ____________________
Dad: ____________________
Other: ____________________

Who are you more like, Mom or Dad? In what ways?

e.g. Look back at both lists before you answer — resemblance often sits in the weaknesses as well as the strengths.

______________________________________________

Your Parents' Relationship With Each Other

Describe how your parents (or primary caregivers) related to each other in the areas below. This is the relationship you watched most closely, long before you had any say in it.

Your parents' relationship with each other

Affection — How much, and how was it expressed?

What you saw: ____________________

Conflict — How much, and how was it expressed?

What you saw: ____________________

Decision making — Who was the final decision maker?

What you saw: ____________________

Communication — Surface level or deep?

What you saw: ____________________

3. Childhood Wounds

A childhood wound is a chronic frustration — something you needed most and did not get from your caretakers. The ways you adapted to those gaps often became your most persistent patterns. Work across each row: what happened, what you felt, how you coped, what the child needed, and one specific request you could make of your partner this week.

Unmet needs other people have named

More time or attention
Acceptance of who you were
Safety
Encouragement
Affection
Respect
Permission to have an opinion

One row, filled in: Unmet need: my mom criticized me constantly — I needed affirmation. Felt: unworthy, insecure. Coped: tried to be perfect, became critical of myself and others, cried alone in my room. Needed then: for her to tell me it was all right to get something wrong. Would help now: notice when I get something wrong and say it's OK — that you love me even when I'm not perfect.

Childhood wounds

Childhood frustration / unmet need: ____________________
What you felt as a child (feeling words): ____________________
How you coped: ____________________
What the child needed then: ____________________
What would help now (a request to your partner): ____________________

Childhood frustration / unmet need: ____________________
What you felt as a child (feeling words): ____________________
How you coped: ____________________
What the child needed then: ____________________
What would help now (a request to your partner): ____________________

Childhood frustration / unmet need: ____________________
What you felt as a child (feeling words): ____________________
How you coped: ____________________
What the child needed then: ____________________
What would help now (a request to your partner): ____________________

Childhood frustration / unmet need: ____________________
What you felt as a child (feeling words): ____________________
How you coped: ____________________
What the child needed then: ____________________
What would help now (a request to your partner): ____________________

4. Patterns From Childhood

Expectations from the past keep operating in the present. For each area, name the pattern, rule, or behavior you grew up with — then name how it is showing up in your life today. The last two rows are blank for anything your family did that is not on this list.

Patterns from childhood, and how they show up today

1. Displays of affection

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

2. Communication patterns

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

3. Husband / wife roles

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

4. Power and control

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

5. Attitudes about sex

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

6. Manipulation and means of influence

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

7. Child raising

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

8. Conflict and anger

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

9. Money patterns

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

10. Nurturance and fun

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

11. Your own:

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

12. Your own:

What it looked like growing up: ____________________
How that is showing up today: ____________________

5. Childhood Memories

List the most significant memories from your childhood — painful, traumatic, or momentous. Think hard about birth to age 18; you are welcome to add things that happened after 18 as well. Aim for at least five. Rate intensity from 1 to 10, where 10 is the strongest.

Childhood memories

Row 1

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 2

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 3

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 4

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 5

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 6

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 7

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 8

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

Row 9

Childhood memory: ____________________
Approx. age: ____________________
Intensity (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________

6. Relationship Memories

Complete this section if it applies to you. Skip it if you have never been in a long-term relationship. Rate each memory from -10 to +10, so the good and the hard sit on the same timeline.

Two rows, filled in: Getting engaged — May 2006 — +7. Miscarriage — April 2008 — -8.

Relationship memories

Row 1

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 2

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 3

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 4

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 5

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 6

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 7

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 8

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 9

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 10

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 11

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

Row 12

Relationship memory: ____________________
Date: ____________________
Rating (-10 to +10) (-10 / -9 / -8 / -7 / -6 / -5 / -4 / -3 / -2 / -1 / 0 / +1 / +2 / +3 / +4 / +5 / +6 / +7 / +8 / +9 / +10): ____________________

7. Core Beliefs About Yourself

Most of us carry deeply held conclusions about ourselves that shape how we live and relate to others. To find yours, reread your Childhood Wounds and Childhood Memories. Ask: what painful experience would have produced that feeling? And then: what did I conclude about myself, about others, or about life as a result? That conclusion is most likely a core belief.

Mark Y or N for each belief, rate its strength from 1 to 10, and write how it shows up in your life today.

Core beliefs about yourself

Defective

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I am not good enough. I can't get anything right. I'm stupid. I'm worthless. I'm always wrong.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Unlovable

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I am not lovable. I'm unacceptable. Nobody loves me or wants me. I'm unwelcome.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Abandonment

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: People I love will leave me. If I speak up, people will leave. I'm bound to be alone.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Mistrust / Abuse

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: People will use what I tell them against me. I can't let my guard down. If someone is kind to me, they want something. I'm safer not needing anyone.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Emotional Deprivation

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: No one is really there for me. Nobody understands how I feel. I have to meet my own needs. There is no point asking for comfort.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Helplessness

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I am helpless. I'm out of control. I'm weak and needy. I can't handle life. There's no way out.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Caretaker

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I must take care of everyone. I can't ask for help. If I don't do it, no one will. If I care, I should fix it.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Approval-Seeking

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I'm only worth something if people like me. I constantly need affirmation. I feel bad unless I hear that I'm good.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Glamour

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I must be beautiful. I'm really ugly. You love me because of looks. If someone looks better, you'll leave.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Failure

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: If I don't succeed, I'm worthless. I will eventually fail. I'm an imposter, only acting like I have it together.
How it shows up today: ____________________

Unwanted

Y / N (Y / N): ____________________
Strength (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
What it sounds like: I don't belong anywhere. I never fit in. People don't want me around; they just tolerate me.
How it shows up today: ____________________

When you have finished, upload this to your client portal and let your therapist or coach know — ideally at least a day before your session, so they have time to read it. If you would rather hand it over in person, bring it with you.

The adaptation was smart at the time: Everything you wrote in the coping column was a solution — a real child solving a real problem with the tools a child had. Nothing here is evidence that something is wrong with you. The only question worth asking now is whether the solution is still earning its keep.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

Your Childhood Wound, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The family-of-origin session, step by step: three questions about then, three about now, your partner saying each set back, and what you need this week.
The Family You Grew Up In Was Neurodiverse Too, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The Neurodiversity Supplement to the family-of-origin worksheets, and the session where a neurodiverse couple works through it together, step by step.
Drawing the Family, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The family tree and timeline your therapist draws while you talk, and the patterns in your family you then look at together.

Neurodiverse Couples
Counseling Center

NEW PATH FAMILY

LEARNING CENTER