Couple Goal Setting

Goals are easier to keep when they are said out loud to someone who is in them with you. This works in two parts: your own reflection first, then the two lists side by side.

Do the first section on your own, separately, before you compare anything. If you write your goals in the room together, you will each end up writing what you think the other one wants to hear. Take as long as you need — a few days between the two parts is fine.

Part one: on your own

Before goals, a personal growth journal. These questions are about direction rather than tasks.

What sort of person do you want to be?

e.g. Not what you want to achieve — what you want to be like.

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How would you like to be remembered, and what for?

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If you were already being that person, what would you be doing? How would you sound? What would you be thinking?

e.g. Make it concrete — a specific day, a specific room, specific words.

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Think of people you have valued being around. What were they doing that made them that way, and do you already have any of it?

e.g. Name the behavior, not just the person.

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How do you express your creativity?

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What do you understand now about your own part in how things go that you did not understand when you started looking?

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When have you felt a sense of meaning or awe about the talents you were given?

e.g. Answer this in whatever language fits you — spiritual, or not.

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Part two: side by side

Fill in three goals in each table. Personal goals are yours alone. Couple goals are about the two of you. Family goals are about the household and anyone else in it. Write your own column first, then read across.

Personal goals

1.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

2.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

3.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

Couple goals

1.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

2.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

3.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

Family goals

1.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

2.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

3.

• Partner 1: ____________________
• Partner 2: ____________________

Part three: talk it through

Read both columns before you discuss anything. If reading out loud is hard, swap sheets and read silently first — you do not have to talk while you are still taking it in.

Did any of your partner's goals surprise you?

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Which goals matter most to you right now?

e.g. Right now, not eventually.

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What is currently in the way of those goals?

e.g. Time, money, energy, health, other people, old agreements.

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Where do your partner's goals fit with yours, and where do they compete?

e.g. Competing goals are normal. Naming them beats discovering them later.

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How can each of you help the other one get there?

e.g. Be specific about what help would actually look like.

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What is the first small step?

e.g. Small enough that it could happen this week. Say who does it and when.

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Compare lists, not scores: The point of putting the columns next to each other is not to find out who is more ambitious or more selfless. It is to find out what the other person is quietly working toward, so you stop accidentally getting in the way of it.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
• Building Your Couple Operating Manual, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The capstone: turn everything you've learned into one shared couple operating manual — map your two systems and write agreements that actually stick.