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Boundaries for Your Impact Letter

An impact letter says what the betrayal did to you. The boundaries section says what you need now. This page is for that second part — not to hand you a list to sign, but to give you options to react to, so you can find out which ones are actually yours.

Do this one with your therapist: Boundaries after betrayal have teeth. Some of these touch money, housing, and whether the relationship continues — which means they can carry legal and financial weight, not only emotional weight. Draft here, then work through the list in session before you say any of it out loud. If a consequence you are considering involves someone moving out, separating finances, or separating legally, get legal advice before you commit to it in writing.

Check anything that lands. Leave blank anything that does not fit your situation — a boundary you do not mean is worse than no boundary at all, because the first time you let it slide, every other one gets quieter. Then rewrite the ones you checked in your own words in the spaces provided. Most people's first draft has too many bottom lines. That is not a character flaw; it is what fear does.

Two different kinds

Know which kind you are writing

Example — Compare: What it is · A bottom line: Something you cannot live with being crossed · A request: Something you are asking for, and would like

Example — Compare: What follows if it is crossed · A bottom line: A consequence you have already decided and will follow through on · A request: A conversation, and probably a renegotiation

Example — Compare: How many you should have · A bottom line: Few. Enough to count on one hand. · A request: As many as are genuinely useful

Example — Compare: The test · A bottom line: Would I actually do the consequence? If not, it is a request. · A request: Can I say it without a threat attached?

Bottom lines to consider

  • [ ] All contact with the outside person or people ends completely, and stays ended.
  • [ ] No sexual contact of any kind outside our relationship.
  • [ ] No use of the specific sexual material or sites we have named as off-limits, and they are removed from our home and devices.
  • [ ] No lying about what you are doing or where you are, including leaving things out.
  • [ ] Appointments or services involving private physical contact happen only with my knowledge beforehand.
  • [ ] Individual therapy and your recovery support continue — not as a favor to me, but as a standing commitment.
  • [ ] If a bottom line is crossed, I am told within an agreed window of time, by you, not by discovery.

Any bottom line of mine that is not on this list

e.g. In your own words. Short and concrete beats long and general.

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What happens if one is crossed

A bottom line without a consequence is a wish. Write what you would actually do — not the worst thing you can think of, but the thing you would follow through on. Then check it with your therapist before it goes in the letter.

If a bottom line is crossed, what I will do

e.g. Example shape: "I will keep doing my own recovery, and I will ask you to live elsewhere while we decide what happens next."

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Honesty and access

  • [ ] Anything sexual that has not yet been disclosed gets disclosed — with our therapist present, not sprung on me at home.
  • [ ] Devices, apps, and accounts stay open to me without my having to ask.
  • [ ] I have access to personal bank and credit statements, or the passwords to see them.
  • [ ] If the outside person makes contact in any form, you tell me.
  • [ ] I am part of deciding what gets shared with the people we both know, and who hears it.
  • [ ] If there is a slip or a relapse, you tell your therapist or sponsor first, within an agreed window, and then tell me.

My own wording for the honesty boundaries I checked

e.g. Rewrite them the way you would actually say them.

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Closeness, touch, and sex

  • [ ] We sleep separately for now, and I will say when that changes.
  • [ ] We name what level of physical contact is okay right now — none, hand-holding, a hug, a hand on the shoulder — and it does not get pushed past that.
  • [ ] We hold off on sex until we make a plan together about restarting.
  • [ ] Objects or spaces in our home that are tied to the betrayal get replaced or changed.
  • [ ] When you are pulled toward acting out, you take it to your therapist, sponsor, or group — not to me.

What I need around closeness right now

e.g. This one changes more than the others. Write today's version.

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Keeping my own ground

  • [ ] We stay in couples therapy until we both agree the work is done — not until it gets uncomfortable.
  • [ ] I keep my own therapy, my own support, and my own life outside this.
  • [ ] I can add to or change these boundaries, and I will tell you when I do.

Date I will read this list again

e.g. MM/DD/YYYY — boundaries written in the first weeks are written by a nervous system in shock, so they deserve a second look once you can breathe

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Few and real beats long and loud: A boundary is not a punishment and it is not a test. It is a description of the conditions you need in order to stay. Three you will hold protect you far better than fifteen you will not.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

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