Appreciation Exercises

When things have been strained for a while, attention gets trained on what is going wrong. It is not a character flaw — it is what attention does under stress. These two exercises point it somewhere else on purpose.

You can do this with your partner or entirely on your own. It works either way, and your partner does not have to know it is happening.

Part one: a week of noticing

For one week, the only thing you comment on out loud is what you value in your partner. Not a rule about staying silent on everything else — just a week where the good things actually get said. Some you will already know. Others will only turn up because you started looking.

Noticing and voicing are two different jobs, and for a lot of people the second one is much harder than the first. If saying it out loud feels impossible in the moment, write it down and hand it over, or send it in a message later. A text counts. Getting it to them is what matters, not the delivery method.

Ways to put it into words

• "One thing I liked about you today was ______."
• "I noticed you ______, and it made the day easier."
• "You are genuinely good at ______."
• "Watching you ______ was a good part of my day."

Qualities I already know I value in them

e.g. Write these before the week starts, so you are not searching for something to say on day one.

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Qualities that turned up once I started looking

e.g. Add to this through the week. Small things count — the way they handled something, not just who they are.

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When the critical thought arrives: It will. When it does, treat it as the cue rather than the problem: before you do anything else with it, name two or three things you value about them. The thought is allowed to be there. It just does not get the last word this week.

Part two: five days of acting as if

For five days, behave the way you would behave if the warmth and the appreciation were already back, and watch what happens between you. You are not pretending to feel something — you are doing the actions and seeing what the actions do. Work out first what each one would actually look like for you, because "be more loving" is too vague to act on.

What it would look like for me

Loving — Once a day, for five days

• What it looks like: ____________________
• What it sounds like: ____________________
• What it feels like: ____________________

Caring — Once a day, for five days

• What it looks like: ____________________
• What it sounds like: ____________________
• What it feels like: ____________________

Appreciative — Once a day, for five days

• What it looks like: ____________________
• What it sounds like: ____________________
• What it feels like: ____________________

What happened between us over the five days

e.g. What they did differently, what you did differently, and anything that surprised you.

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Afterward

If you felt good about your partner, how would you act and what would you say?

e.g. Be specific. Then read back over the five days and see how much of it you already did.

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And what would that feel like?

e.g. In your body as much as in your head.

______________________________________________

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Behavior can lead the feeling: Most people wait to feel appreciative before they act appreciative, and then wait a long time. Doing it the other way around is not faking — it is giving the feeling something to come back to.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Staying Close, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Stay close in ordinary weeks: small daily moments and a short check-in that fits you both.
• The Love List, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The Love List for neurodiverse couples: twenty specific things that make you feel loved, read aloud in session and posted where you see them.
• The Understanding Gap, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The cycle behind neurodiverse-couple distress, and how naming it together starts to close the gap.