Adam Kootman

Neurodiverse Couples Specialist | Associate Marriage and Family Therapist

At a Glance

• Autistic and ADHD (AuDHD). Diagnosed in his late 30s.

• Spent more than 15 years in one relationship before he had language for what was happening

• Knows how forgetting something can become much bigger than the forgotten thing

• Divorced, then rebuilt. Went to co-parenting therapy so his daughter could have a stable life in two homes.

• Trained in Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) through ICEEFT

• Trained in how ADHD traits shape attachment in couples

• Talks about sex, desire, and affairs plainly. No shame.

• Professional musician and composer for more than a decade. Four albums. U.S. tours. Music for TV and major brands.

• LGBTQ+ affirming. Neurodiversity-affirming.

The Same Fight

You keep having the same fight.

Maybe it's about chores. The phone. Who forgot what. Maybe it's about sex.

You both care. You both try. You still end up in the same painful place.

Pretty soon, the argument is no longer really about the thing that started it.

That's the part I care about. What keeps happening underneath.

I'm an autistic and ADHD therapist. I spent more than 15 years in a relationship before I had language for how my own brain was shaping moments like these. I'm not studying this from the outside.

Why I Do This Work

I think a huge reason I became a therapist is that I have spent a lot of my own life trying to understand why I experience the world the way that I do.

I was diagnosed with AuDHD in my late 30s. By then, I had already been in a relationship for more than 15 years, gotten married, become a father, gone through a divorce, started over, dated again, and spent years in therapy trying to understand myself.

The diagnosis gave me language for things I had spent years judging myself for. Impulsivity. Hyperfocus. Sensory sensitivity. Feeling things intensely. Getting emotionally overwhelmed. Masking. Forgetting something I genuinely cared about because my attention had gone somewhere else.

I was always told I was sensitive. For a long time, I thought that was something I needed to toughen up about.

Now I see it differently. I notice small shifts in people. Tone. Expression. Emotion. In the therapy room, that sensitivity helps me attune closely and notice what may be happening underneath the argument.

Understanding my neurodivergence helped me stop asking, “What is wrong with me?” and start asking, “What is actually happening here?”

That question changed the way I understood relationships too.

Looking Back

Looking back at my own long-term relationship, I can see ways neurodivergence was showing up long before I had language for it.

Forgetting something could become much bigger than the forgotten thing. Getting emotionally overwhelmed could turn into shutting down. Rejection sensitivity, shame, attachment, and two different experiences of the same moment could all end up inside one argument.

When nobody understands what is happening, everything can start to feel personal.

I know that from lived experience.

Now it's exactly the kind of moment I slow down for couples. Not to decide who's to blame. To help both people see what's actually going on.

Divorce, Starting Over, and Two Homes

I also know what it's like to rebuild after a relationship ends.

Divorce forced me to figure out who I was outside of a relationship I had been in for most of my adult life. Dating again made me think differently about intimacy and attachment.

Parenting and co-parenting taught me something different.

My daughter has two homes. Her other parent and I eventually went into co-parenting therapy, and years later we have built a stable life for her across both households.

That took work.

I had to learn how to communicate directly, regulate myself when emotions were high, let go of things I could not control, and accept that another person can experience the exact same situation very differently than I do.

These days, when my daughter and I are together, we're usually hiking, climbing, or out exploring somewhere.

Neurodivergence Inside a Relationship

That's a big part of why I'm drawn to neurodiverse couples.

One person forgets something and their partner experiences it as not caring. Someone gets overwhelmed and needs space, while their partner experiences that space as rejection. One person wants more sex, affection, or reassurance, while the other feels pressure and pulls further away.

Then attachment gets involved. Rejection sensitivity gets involved. Shame gets involved.

Couples come in talking about chores, parenting, communication, sex, differences in desire, phones, schedules, or who forgot what. I'm interested in what keeps happening underneath all of it.

Being AuDHD doesn't mean I know what somebody else's neurodivergence feels like. There is no single ADHD experience or autistic experience.

It also doesn't put me on anyone's side. In couples work, I'm on the side of the relationship.

I know my brain. My job is to get curious about yours.

Sex and Desire

A lot of couples carry a second argument they rarely say out loud.

Sex has slowed down. Or it feels disconnected. Or nobody knows how to bring it up anymore. One of you wants more. The other feels pressure. Maybe things changed after an affair.

In neurodiverse relationships, sensory needs, energy, overwhelm, and rejection sensitivity all shape desire. They rarely get named.

I don't treat sex as a separate problem to fix. We look at what's happening underneath it, including what happens when one person reaches and the other pulls away. As pressure and shame come down, closeness has room to come back.

I've trained in taking a sexual history and in sexuality after an affair. I'm comfortable having these conversations directly.

Before Therapy

Before becoming a therapist, I spent more than a decade working professionally as a musician in Los Angeles.

I released four full-length albums. I toured across the United States. Later I composed music for film, television, and advertising, including campaigns for brands like Disney, Toyota, and American Express.

I wrote music and spent years using it to evoke emotion. Looking back, I think I have been interested in what people feel beneath the surface for a long time.

Eventually, that curiosity moved from music into people and relationships.

Now I get to sit with couples and try to understand what is happening between two people who care about each other but keep ending up in the same painful patterns.

That feels like a pretty natural progression to me.

How I Work

My work is emotionally focused, attachment-based, LGBTQ+ affirming, and neurodiversity-affirming.

I'm trained in Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT), with a psychodynamic, trauma-informed foundation. I've also trained in how ADHD traits shape attachment in couples.

In practice, we slow things down. We map the cycle you keep getting caught in. We find the feelings and fears driving each person's part of it. And we adapt the work to how each of your brains actually processes.

The goal isn't to make anyone more neurotypical. It's to help you reach each other.

Who I Work With

• Neurodiverse couples, with one or both partners autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD, diagnosed or self-identified

• Couples stuck in pursue-withdraw cycles

• Couples where forgetting, overwhelm, or rejection sensitivity keep turning small moments into big fights

• Partners with different levels of desire

• Couples rebuilding trust after an affair

• Adults discovering their neurodivergence later in life

• Separated and divorced parents learning to co-parent

• LGBTQ+ couples and individuals

• Creative professionals and performers

What to Expect in Session

Sessions are conversational, reflective, and collaborative.

I'll tell you what I'm noticing. Then I'll check whether it fits.

Neurodivergent needs are welcome here. Movement. Fidgeting. Less eye contact. Time to think before answering. Written summaries when they help.

If one of you shuts down, I don't read it as not caring. I read it as a nervous system that has hit its limit. We work with that, not against it.

Some sessions focus on what just happened at home. Others go into the longer patterns underneath.

Nobody has to perform “fine” here.

I'm especially interested in what is happening underneath the problem that brought a couple into therapy: the emotions, attachment fears, nervous-system differences, and patterns that keep repeating even when both people want something different.

License, Training, & More

• License: Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #164632 (California Board of Behavioral Sciences)

• Education:

  • M.A. in Clinical Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy emphasis, Pepperdine University (Academic Honors, 2026)

  • B.A. in Psychology, California State University, Northridge

  • A.A. in Psychology, Santa Monica College

• Training:

  • Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) Essentials 1 & 2, International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)

  • Attachment and ADHD: How ADHD Traits Shape Attachment Bonds in Couples, LA-CAMFT

  • Taking a Sexual History: Unlocking a Client's Past, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Sexuality After an Affair, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Dream Analysis: Jungian Origins and Clinical Application, LA-CAMFT

  • Cultural Competency in Dementia Care

• Clinical experience:

  • Individual, couples, and group therapy with adults in private practice and community mental health settings

  • Adult day program and counseling center work with adults and older adults facing anxiety, depression, grief, life transitions, and cognitive change

  • Mentor and employment specialist for neurodivergent young adults, building executive functioning, self-advocacy, emotional regulation, and confidence at work

• Approaches:

  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT and EFIT)

  • Attachment-based therapy

  • Psychodynamic and person-centered therapy

  • Trauma-informed care

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and motivational interviewing, when they fit

• Before therapy: More than a decade as a professional musician, songwriter, and composer. Four full-length albums, U.S. tours, and music for film, television, and advertising.

• Professional memberships:

  • International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)

  • American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT)

  • California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT)

  • Los Angeles County Psychological Association (LACPA)

• Affirming care: LGBTQ+ affirming and neurodiversity-affirming

• Specialty areas: Neurodiverse couples, mixed-neurotype relationships, AuDHD, ADHD, autistic adults, late-identified neurodivergence, pursue-withdraw cycles, rejection sensitivity, sex, intimacy, and desire differences, infidelity and trust repair, attachment, Emotionally Focused Therapy, divorce and co-parenting, men's issues, creative professionals, and LGBTQ+ affirming care

• Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452

• Employed by New Path Family of Therapy Centers