< Back Nara Ahn Neurodiverse Couples Specialist | Associate Marriage and Family Therapist | Associate Professional Clinical Counselor At a Glance Over two decades of firsthand experience navigating a neurodiverse marriage Mother to two beautiful neurodivergent daughters, nurturing their differences and helping them thrive uniquely More than 10 years supporting neurodivergent students in schools, including autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning differences Bilingual in Korean and English — bridging cultures and neurotypes UCLA, Pepperdine, and Cal Baptist educated — three graduate degrees Raised in a low-income household, with deep understanding of what it feels like to go unseen Integrates faith and personal values into therapy when welcomed by clients Why I Do This Work I work with neurodiverse couples because I've lived the complexity of loving someone whose brain works differently than mine — for more than twenty years. I know what it feels like to reach for connection and miss. I know the exhaustion of adapting, explaining, trying harder — and still feeling like you're speaking different languages. I also know that the gap between partners isn't a sign of failure . It's a sign that two people are still reaching for each other, still hoping for something better. My work with neurodiverse couples is about bridging those gaps. Not by asking one partner to change their brain to fit the other, but by helping both of you understand how your nervous systems work, where you're actually talking past each other, and how to build a connection that honors both of your ways of being in the world. Growing Up Between Worlds I grew up in a low-income household as the daughter of Korean immigrants. My childhood was shaped by scarcity — not just material scarcity, but emotional scarcity. I learned early to read the room before speaking, to anticipate needs before being asked, to make myself useful enough to be safe. What I didn't learn until much later was that this had made me invisible. I was reliable, but unnoticed. Helpful, but unknown. The people who loved me often didn't truly see me — not because they didn't care, but because they were exhausted or overwhelmed themselves. That kind of loneliness teaches you something. It taught me exactly what it means to feel misunderstood and hungry for recognition from the people closest to you. That childhood wound became my clinical compass. When I sit with couples where one partner feels invisible or unheard, I don't have to imagine what that's like. I know it in my bones. UCLA, Pepperdine, and Cal Baptist — A Foundation Built on Curiosity Education has been a through line in my life. I earned my Bachelor's degree in English from UCLA, then went on to complete two Master's degrees at Pepperdine University — one in Education and one in Psychology. Most recently, I completed my Master of Science in Counseling Psychology at California Baptist University, with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy and Professional Clinical Counseling. Each degree deepened my understanding of how people learn, connect, and heal. My education background gave me the language for how brains process differently. My psychology training gave me the clinical tools. And my counseling degree brought it all together — equipping me to sit with couples in the hardest moments of their relationships and help them find a way through. A Decade in the Classroom with Neurodivergent Students For over a decade, I worked as an educator supporting students with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning differences. These were not students struggling from a lack of intelligence or effort—they were navigating systems that were never designed for how their brains work. I assisted in drafting IEPs, developed differentiated instruction, and advocated fiercely for meaningful accommodations. I witnessed profound shifts when students were finally given permission to learn in ways that aligned with their needs. That work reshaped how I understand neurodiversity. I came to see it not as a deficit, but as natural variation. At the same time, I witnessed something more difficult: how often the world pathologizes difference. Regulation challenges were labeled as behavior problems. Parents carried unnecessary blame. Bright, capable children began to see themselves as broken—simply because they did not fit an expected mold. This experience now informs my work with couples in a powerful way. When I work with partners where one person is neurodivergent, I do not begin from a deficit framework. I begin with curiosity : What does this person’s brain need? How are they attempting to connect? What may be interpreted as rejection or neglect that is, in fact, a difference in processing? Two Beautifully Different Daughters Parenting has deepened my understanding of neurodiversity in ways nothing else could. I’m raising two daughters who could not be more different from each other—and watching them grow has been one of the greatest teachers of my life. My girls experience the world in ways that don’t always align with what others expect. My older daughter’s mind moves quickly, making connections that others might miss, while my younger daughter notices the world with an intensity that can feel overwhelming. She cares so fiercely about the people she loves that it sometimes overwhelms her. I’ve also witnessed the world misread them both in ways that unfairly affect their self-perception. Raising these two wildly different humans has taught me that there is no single “right” way to be wired. What supports one daughter can overwhelm the other; what soothes one can unsettle the other. As a couples therapist, this understanding translates directly: I recognize that what one partner needs for safety and connection may look completely different from what the other partner needs—and both are valid. More Than Two Decades in a Neurodiverse Marriage My understanding of neurodiverse relationships didn't come from a textbook. It came from more than twenty years of marriage to a neurodivergent partner. Early in that marriage, I thought I was failing. We had communication breakdowns I couldn't solve with clarity and effort alone. He had sensory needs I didn't understand. I had emotional needs he sometimes couldn't meet — not because he didn't care, but because regulation and social reciprocity worked differently in his brain. We found ourselves caught in that painful cycle: I'd reach, he'd withdraw. I'd interpret it as rejection. He'd feel pressured and overwhelmed. We'd both end up feeling unseen. Over those years, I had to unlearn what I thought I knew about partnership. I had to stop expecting my style of connection to land the way I intended. I had to learn his language. And I had to realize that my needs were real and valid even when they looked different from his capacity in a given moment. We had to build a different rhythm — one that honored both of us. That lived experience is the foundation of the work I bring to couples today . Not theory. Not clinical distance. But the real, messy, hard-won understanding of what it takes to stay connected to someone whose brain wires things differently. I know the grief of it. I know the beauty of it. I know what it takes. How I Work I take a strengths-based, neurodiversity-affirming approach grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and nervous-system-centered practices , tailored to how neurodivergent brains actually communicate, regulate, and connect. We begin by translating—identifying where partners are talking past each other—then rebuild from a clear understanding of what each person truly needs. Who I Work With Neurodivergent-neurotypical couples navigating communication gaps and the search for connection Dual-neurodivergent couples (ADHD-autism, ADHD-ADHD, and other combinations) Partners stuck in pursuit-withdraw, collapse-escalate, or silence-pursuit cycles Parents of neurodivergent children navigating parenting stress, co-regulation, and advocacy Couples dealing with invisible labor imbalances, emotional overload, and chronic misattunement What to Expect in Session I communicate directly and literally while staying sensitive to your feelings. I help uncover unspoken or implied meanings fueling misunderstandings. Sessions are structured, collaborative, and goal-oriented. I accommodate neurodivergent needs including movement, fidgeting, reduced eye contact, written session summaries, and flexibility around sensory needs. I understand that what looks like resistance is often regulation — your nervous system protecting itself — and we work with that, not against it. You'll feel understood without being pathologized. License, Training, & More Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #160292 Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC #21068 Master of Science in Counseling Psychology — California Baptist University (2025)Master of Arts in Psychology — Pepperdine University (2012) Master of Arts in Education - Pepperdine University (2004)Bachelor of Arts in English — UCLA (2003) Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic approaches, and trauma-informed, nervous-system-centered care. Experienced in telehealth. Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452 Employed by New Path Family of Therapy Centers Specialty Areas: Accepting New Couples & Indiv. Clients, Neurodiverse Couples, Autism, ADHD, Multicultural Challenges, Communication, Emotional Intimacy, Life Transitions, Trauma, General Couples Coaching, Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse), ACT, Blended Families, Christian, Cassandra Syndrome, Divorce, Alexithymia, ASD/Allistic Couples, Attachment, Betrayal/Affair Recovery, Discernment, Emotional Regulation, Family Conflict, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), Teens Nara Ahn Take an Autism Test

Build a neuroaffirming ADHD trait wheel that maps red challenges and green strengths, then download a worksheet for reflection or therapy. Show the full page text Build Your Interactive ADHD Trait Wheel A free guided self-discovery exercise. It asks sixteen questions - one for the support side and one for the strength side of eight different ADHD traits - and draws a wheel from your answers. You can adjust any section afterwards by clicking directly on the wheel, and download a six-page printable worksheet to take into a therapy session. Nothing you enter is sent anywhere. Your answers are saved in your own browser so you can come back and finish later. What a spiky profile is People with ADHD often have uneven profiles. Someone can be extraordinarily capable in one area and need real support in another, and the gap between the two can be wide enough that other people assume the difficulty is a matter of effort or attitude. It usually is not. The point of the wheel is to make that unevenness visible in a way that is balanced rather than deficit-focused. Every one of the eight traits is scored twice: once for what makes it harder, and once for what it gives you. How it works Sixteen questions, answered on a scale from 0 to 10. Two questions per trait. The wheel draws itself as you go, so you can watch the shape emerge. Red sections are support needs. Green sections are strengths. Both are measured from the centre outwards, so a longer wedge means a stronger rating either way. Once all sixteen are answered you can click any section of the wheel directly to change its rating. A printable six-page worksheet is available at the end, including the wheel itself, a full table of your ratings, and reflection questions. The eight traits Each trait is presented as a pair. Neither half is the whole picture, and a high score on one side does not cancel out the other. Focus The support side: Struggles to focus - to stay with a task, or to keep attention where you want it. The strength side: Curious, and deeply engaged with the things that hold your interest. The questions ask how often attention goes where you did not send it, and how much genuine curiosity helps you learn, create, and follow through. Impulses The support side: Acts without fully considering consequences or impact. The strength side: Acts mindfully, weighing outcomes before moving. The questions ask how often you act before thinking it through, and how much pausing or reflection helps you consider outcomes first. Energy The support side: Restless, under-stimulated, or driven to move. The strength side: Energetic and driven, with the capacity to start things and keep them moving. The questions ask how often restlessness shows up, and how much that same drive helps you initiate and persist. Autonomy The support side: Struggles to follow rules, particularly rules that feel arbitrary, unclear, or limiting. The strength side: Strong-willed and independent, and able to think for yourself. The questions ask how hard arbitrary rules are to follow, and how much independence helps you advocate, lead, and hold a position. Organization The support side: Has trouble learning conventionally and staying organised - the running cost of tracking details, systems, and belongings. The strength side: A creative, unique thinker who finds routes other people do not. The questions ask how much extra effort organisation takes, and how much your way of thinking helps you solve problems and see possibilities. Emotions The support side: Struggles to manage strong feelings when they arrive fast and large. The strength side: In touch with emotions, in yourself and in the people around you. The questions ask how intense feelings can get, and how much that sensitivity helps you understand yourself and connect with others. Social The support side: Has friendship or social struggles, or finds social situations take more effort than they appear to take for other people. The strength side: Authentic and selective in friendship - fewer relationships, held more closely. The questions ask how much effort social life takes, and how much your selectiveness builds friendships that actually mean something. Planning The support side: Has difficulty planning, prioritising, or starting projects - the part of ADHD that is least visible from the outside and most costly from the inside. The strength side: Excels at interest-based tasks, sometimes far past what is typical. The questions ask how much effort planning takes, and how strongly interest drives your focus and follow-through. How to read your wheel The centre of the wheel is 0 and the outer ring is 10. Each of the eight traits gets two wedges - a red one for the support side and a green one for the strength side - so the finished wheel has sixteen sections. A spiky wheel means your profile is uneven, and that unevenness is the useful part. It shows where support may matter, and where strengths may need protecting from overuse. Two things are worth sitting with once you see the shape. Uneven does not mean inconsistent. Being highly capable in one area and needing real support in another is not a contradiction, and it is not evidence that either rating is wrong. It is the single most common thing people with ADHD are disbelieved about. Strengths and challenges often share a root. The same wiring that produces hyperfocus, drive, creativity, emotional openness and the willingness to move without a complete plan is the wiring that makes sustained attention, organisation, prioritising and impulse control more expensive. They are not separate systems. That is why strategies aimed at removing the difficulty often take the capability with it. The printable worksheet The download is a six-page letter-size worksheet: an instruction page, your wheel at full size, two pages listing all sixteen trait statements with your ratings and space for notes, a page of reflection questions, and a closing page on spiky profiles. It is designed to be filled in by hand and brought into a session. Reflection questions The worksheet asks four, and they are worth thinking about even if you never print it: Which part of your wheel feels most familiar, most validating, or most surprising? Which green strengths do you want other people to recognise, respect, or protect? Which red challenges create the most stress, misunderstanding, or exhaustion? What would change if the people close to you understood both sides of this pattern? Important note This wheel is a self-reflection and conversation tool. It is not medical advice, not a diagnosis, and not a substitute for professional care. It cannot tell you whether you have ADHD. For diagnosis, treatment, or personalised clinical guidance, please consult a member of our team or another qualified health professional. Next steps If you would like to talk your wheel through and do not have a therapist , you can get started with us or meet the therapists first. Our Client Care Coordinator can match you with someone. If you are already working with a therapist , download the worksheet and send it over before your next session. It gives you both a shared starting point that does not depend on explaining everything out loud. If you want to keep exploring on your own , our self-discovery page collects our free screeners and trait wheels, including the rejection sensitivity screener for couples . You can also read our frequently asked questions , or see how we use language on our words matter page. About Neurodiverse Couples Counseling We work with neurodiverse couples and individuals - people who have ADHD, are autistic, or are otherwise neurodivergent, and the relationships they are in. Our approach is neurodiversity-affirming: we do not treat neurodivergence as a defect to be corrected, and we do not build support plans that quietly ask someone to work harder at being someone else. Neurodiverse Couples Counseling is part of New Path Family of Therapy Centers, Inc. Instructions

ADHD Couples Therapy TIP: Want answers fast? Check out our 📄 Quick Guide on ADHD Couples Therapy for key facts, FAQs , and why you should choose us. THE IMPACT OF ADHD ON MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS Do you and/or your partner experience symptoms related to ADHD? If so, you can expect very predictable (and painful) patterns to emerge in your relationship. If the underlying issues are not addressed, it is likely that both of you will end up angry, dissatisfied, lonely, frustrated, and exhausted. These feelings typically arise from a pattern of mismatched or unrealistic expectations, lack of follow-through, nagging, constant conflict, and occasionally loud blow-out fights. If this dynamic continues long enough, one partner emotionally and physically pulls away, making the connection in the relationship even more tenuous. Fortunately, with awareness and knowledgeable help, these patterns can be interrupted and relationships can be restored . On this web page, we will cover the basics of ADHD-diverse relationships but we invite you to connect with one of our neurodiversity specialists who would be honored to work with you. Improve Your Relationship Now! ABOUT ADHD ADHD is most commonly diagnosed during childhood. While some percentage of children "grow out" of their symptoms or find effective ways to cope, many do not. In fact, some studies show that 50 percent of those who are diagnosed continue to have symptoms throughout adulthood. Prevalence of adult ADHD is generally accepted to be 4% (ranging from 2% to 7%). Depending on the study, the diagnosis rate in men ranges from 1.5 times to 3 times that of women . Many professionals believe that women are under-diagnosed in both childhood and adulthood. It is also worth noting that ADHD in women normally presents as difficulty concentrating and can look similar to anxiety whereas it is more common for men to experience hyperactivity. For ease of writing, the following is written assuming the male partner is the ADHD partner and the female is the non-ADHD partner . Please know that ADHD can show up in either spouse (or both) and we do not mean to perpetuate any stereotypes. UNDERSTANDING THE ADHD RELATIONSHIP PATTERN Consider each partner's part in an ADHD-diverse relationship: NON-ADHD PARTNER: Feelings: Angry, frustrated, sad and disappointed. Behaviors : Controlling, nagging, criticizing and complaining. Internal narrative: “I have to constantly remind you if I want anything to get done!“ ADHD PARTNER: Feelings: Worthless, resentful, sad and disappointed (in himself). Behaviors : Defensive, making excuses, avoiding, lying and withdrawal. Internal narrative: "How could you expect me to respond to you when you talk to me that way?“ IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN AN ADHD TRAP? If you are curious to see if your relationship fits the typical ADHD neurodiverse pattern, consider how many of the following ADHD symptoms exist in your relationship: Constant arguing, seemingly over inconsequential topics One partner in the “parent“ role and the other partner in the “child“ or "teenager" role Responsibilities feel uneven Difficulty in negotiating reasonable expectations Poor follow through on tasks Lack of consequences for unmet expectations Inability to discuss unmet expectations without arguing Arguments get stuck on whose memory is right Feeling that screens (phones, iPads, computers...) are more important than the relationship Infrequent or non-existent sex life The partner in the parent role becomes the bad cop and the ADHD partner becomes the Disney parent, particularly in the eyes of the children Children get caught in parental struggle \ A KINDER APPROACH - SHOW UP, THEN DECIDE Our clinicians are inspired by the ideas of Dr. Kourosh Dini, a renowned psychiatrist and expert in addressing the challenges faced by those with "wandering minds." Dr. Dini advocates for a thoughtful alternative to the conventional ADHD management strategies that often rely heavily on urgency and external pressure. These traditional tactics, which include setting tight deadlines or using past failures as motivational tools, can increase stress and undermine a person’s sense of self-direction and confidence. Dr. Dini champions a non-fear-based method that he refers to as the visitor-based approach. Unlike traditional methods that push for immediate action, this strategy encourages a gentler, more mindful engagement with tasks. It is grounded in a simple yet transformative principle: "Show up, then decide." Here’s a breakdown of how this method works: Decide: Begin by selecting a task to focus on, whether it’s a work assignment, a household chore, or a leisure activity. Show up: Commit to being fully present with your chosen task. Start by spending just a moment with it—enough time for one deep breath. Decide again: After that initial moment, you decide whether to continue working on the task or to step back. This step reinforces your autonomy and helps rebuild trust in your own decision-making abilities. This visitor-based approach might appear straightforward, but its impact is significant. It promotes a step-by-step engagement with tasks, reducing the overwhelming pressure to achieve immediate results. Each “visit” to a task is a chance to reconnect with your intentions and assess your current mental and emotional state. This leads to a more balanced and fulfilling approach to work and daily activities. Working with one of our skilled clinicians, you’ll explore these principles and discover how to apply them in a way that enhances your productivity and well-being without compromising your autonomy. BOTH PARTNERS STRUGGLE As we work with ADHD-diverse couples, we find that both partners struggle but in very different ways. ADHD PARTNER'S STRUGGLE For the ADHD partner, daily life can feel overwhelming . These feelings start off hidden but quickly emerge under stress. Unfortunately, they emerge as yelling at the family member who is close by, usually a spouse or child. Alternatively, the feelings get buried deep inside. Then, coping mechanisms (such as playing video games, alcohol or drug use, work, and/or porn) take over to keep the feelings from surfacing. Furthermore, feelings of inadequacy , which were often present in childhood, become magnified. As the non-ADHD spouse takes charge of the household and the children, the ADHD partner believes that he will not be accepted or loved unless he changes. Sadly, he does not believe this change is possible! As this pattern gets locked in, the ADHD partner begins to walk on eggshells, just waiting for the next time that he lets his partner down. Being under this kind of stress only makes the ADHD struggle worse. His ADHD mind was already racing; feeling cluttered, fuzzy and/or noisy. Now it gets worse. With the stress of the relationship on top of all the other daily stress, it becomes impossible to think clearly, especially when dealing with his spouse. NON-ADHD PARTNER'S STRUGGLE The non-ADHD partner starts out over-functioning because she loves her husband and wants to help. But this quickly leads to a feeling of being overburdened . Her first attempt to deal with this is to ask for help but then she is accused of "being a nag" or "being uptight". This just feeds into her resentment. When she resists nagging and asks just once, he forgets. Although he apologizes, she feels let down and that he doesn't really care. As she becomes convinced that she can not count on her spouse, she stops asking him to do things (which he could probably do well if their dysfunctional pattern did not exist). So she continues to over-function and soon feels lonely and ignored by her withdrawn husband. Her narrative of being "the responsible one" in the marriage is expressed through complaints to the kids, friends and other family members. Inevitably, the shame and struggle in the relationship spreads through the whole family system and hopelessness can quickly set in. BUT THERE IS HOPE!!! The path to healing needs to be customized for each couple; however, one of the fundamental interventions is to separate the symptoms of the ADHD from the message the partners are taking from it. I n other words, the struggle to follow through with a task does not mean that the partner does not care. It also does not mean that the ADHD partner cannot institute compensating strategies to address the needs of the spouse or family. Our work in therapy is to break the negative cycle , address the underlying feelings of anger and sadness, and then make new meaning of what is happening and what can be done going forward. Please know that we are not suggesting that the actual solutions are simple. The tactics need to be carefully customized for the couple and must be “ADHD-sensitive“ . In other words, we can NOT just try HARDER to do the things we’ve been doing; rather, a couple must be inventive and willing to experiment with new approaches. When working out the new couple dynamic, a couple of points must be emphasized: Take a team approach . If one person is the "one down" position, constantly being blamed, the change will not work. Both partners must honestly recognize the work that each one must do to break the negative cycle. Focus on changing yourself, not your partner. Treat your partner with kindness even when he or she fails. Be open to medication if that is suggested by your physician and other approaches are not working. WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT We have seen couples who have struggled with ADHD completely transform their marriage. Although it is not guaranteed, reshaping your painful patterns in a relationship can do wonders for your lives together. We would love to help and look forward to hearing from you. Meet with our Client Care Coordinator Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Neurodiversity-affirming couples counseling for neurodiverse relationships. Share your story and get matched with the right therapist within 24 hours.

Understand how we talk about neurodiversity — a strength-based, shame-free approach to the language we use with autistic and ADHD clients. Words Matter What is Normal? Acceptance > Normal Neurodiversity Social Model Identity-First Diverse vs Divergent Difference > Disorder Allistic vs. Neurotypical Asperger & Nazis Cassandra Syndrome Autism & Gender Disability Level of Function OUR WORDS MATTER Choosing our words carefully is crucial in the world of neurodiversity because language plays a significant role in shaping perceptions, attitudes, and inclusivity. Please consider the impact of words in the following realms: Respect and Dignity: Using respectful and inclusive language demonstrates a commitment to treating individuals with neurodivergent conditions with dignity. It helps avoid stigmatization and fosters a culture of understanding and acceptance. Avoiding Stigmatization: The way we talk about neurodivergent conditions can either challenge or reinforce societal stereotypes. Careless language can perpetuate stigma, stereotypes, and negative perceptions, contributing to a less inclusive environment. Empowerment and Positive Framing: Positive and empowering language can contribute to a more inclusive and supportive environment. Using words that focus on strengths, abilities, and individual talents helps empower neurodivergent individuals and promotes a strengths-based perspective. Building Understanding: Clear and precise language aids in building understanding among individuals who may not be familiar with neurodiversity . It helps to educate and raise awareness, fostering a more inclusive and informed community. Inclusive Communication: Thoughtful language choices contribute to creating an inclusive communication style. This is important in educational settings, workplaces, and social environments where neurodivergent individuals may be present. Legal and Policy Implications: In some cases, specific legal and policy frameworks may be in place to ensure the rights and accommodations for neurodivergent individuals. Using accurate and respectful language aligns with these frameworks and promotes compliance with legal standards. WHAT DOES THE WORD "NORMAL" MEAN? It is easy to get trapped in the idea that my spouse is not "normal" or my marriage is not "normal". But what is normal anyway? The illusory nature of normal is captured in the following quote: “I wonder if we recognize the irony of telling people to act normal , because to "act " is to perform a role that isn’t real. And I wonder if we truly understand what it does to a human being to tell them to pretend to be someone or something they are not, and how this demand requires people to repress, efface, and cover up who they really are.” ― Jonathan Mooney, Normal Sucks: How to Live, Learn, and Thrive, Outside the Lines FROM "NORMAL" TO ACCEPTANCE With the help of neurodiverse-sensitive therapy, most couples realize that "abnormality" is not the problem ; rather, the difficulty is rooted in trying to fit into their concept of what a "normal" couple should look like. This shift away from "normal" can free a couple from the shame that comes from the message that one or both of them is the problem. If we can reorient how we view diversity, abilities, and disabilities, each partner can begin to feel accepted for who they are; paradoxically, this acceptance makes room for real change. WHAT IS NEURODIVERSITY? Neurodiversity refers to the idea that the human brain can function in a wide range of different ways. These variations should be recognized and respected as a natural part of human diversity . The most common conditions people think of as neurodiversity are: autism (1-2% of the population), ADHD (4-5% of the population), and dyslexia (the most common type of neurodiversity). But it also can include: Tourette's, dyspraxia, synesthesia, dyscalculia, Down syndrome, epilepsy, traumatic brain injury, and chronic mental health illnesses such as bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. At some point, we recognize that all brains are different so rather than thinking one way is good and another bad, let's understand the differences and how to work with them. Social Model It's important to note that neurodiversity is not a medical model, but rather a social model that recognizes the diversity of human brains and how they function. This means that neurodiversity is not about "fixing" or "curing" people , but rather about creating inclusive and accommodating environments that support each person's unique strengths and abilities. Some of the key principles of neurodiversity include: Rather than viewing autism and other disorders as unfortunate errors or to be corrected, we should consider these conditions as treasured parts of the genetic legacy of humanity, We work to recognize the value and contributions of neurodivergent individuals to the development of culture, society and technology, Different individuals may have different experiences and needs, There is no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting neurodiversity, We have the opportunity to challenge negative stereotypes and discrimination, and We can set a goal of creating inclusive and accessible environments for all. OUR TERMINOLOGY Identity-first versus Person-first language Since 1994, the psychology profession has used the term "Asperger's Syndrome" (AS) to describe a specific group of people with neurological differences that impact social interactions, how the world is experienced, and verbal and nonverbal communication. See below for background on Asperger / Nazi controversy. In 2013, the diagnostic criteria changed and AS became part of a high-functioning autism (Autism Spectrum Disorder or ASD ). Our therapists and coaches use identity-first language rather than person-first language . To illustrate: Identity-first language : Refers to our neurodiverse clients as Autism Spectrum (AS) partner, autistic partner, or Aspie (based on former Asperger's terminology). PRO: Suggests that autism is a core part of a person's identity (like being a Canadian) with all the strengths and weaknesses that come with that identity and implies that you are OK with having autism as the core of who you are. This is a clearer path to a more positive and realistic identity for many. CON: Some people don't like to be defined this way. Quote: Autism isn't something a person has, or a shell that a person is trapped inside. There's no normal child hidden behind the autism. Autism is a way of being. It is pervasive; it colors every experience, every sensation, perception, thought, emotion and encounter - every aspect of existence. It is not possible to separate the autism from the person – and if it were possible, the person you'd have left would not be the same person you started with. Jim Sinclair Person-first language : Refers to clients as the partner with autism or the spouse on the spectrum. PRO: You are not only your autistic symptoms. Autism is a modifier; it is not what defines you. CON: The assumption usually is that one's autism is a burden that gets tacked onto a person (like a person who is saddled with a disease). This ignores the many strengths of being on the spectrum. Although our team usually uses identity-first language, we understand the different reasons for both approaches and will accommodate whichever you are most comfortable with. Neurodiverse versus Neurodivergent Often, the word 'neurodiverse' is used interchangeably with 'neurodivergent '. However, if considered carefully, an individual person technically is not neurodiverse. The term 'diverse' means 'varied,' so while a group of people with different neurotypes can be considered neurodiverse, an individual is either neurotypical or neurodivergent. Since a couple is made up of two people, the term neurodiverse is a better fit. Autism Spectrum Difference > Disorder Although the psychology profession (and we used it above) uses the term "Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)," we much prefer "Autism Spectrum DIFFERENCE." Considering all the strengths and weaknesses, our clients are no more "disordered" than others. In other words, there is no 'normal'; rather, there are different neurotypes, some more prevalent/common than others. Allistic vs. Neurotypical "Allistic" and "neurotypical" are terms used in the autistic community to describe people not on the autism spectrum. While the terms are often used interchangeably, they can have slightly different connotations. The term "neurotypical" : is used to describe individuals who have typical neurological development and functioning, meaning they do not have any conditions or disorders that affect their neurological development or processing. is often used in contrast to "neurodivergent," which refers to individuals with atypical neurological development or functioning, such as autism, ADHD, or dyslexia. The term "allistic" is: a way to refer to individuals who do not have autism . It is important to recognize that many people without autism may still have other conditions that affect their neurological development or functioning, such as ADHD, dyslexia, or anxiety disorders. So, while "allistic" refers specifically to individuals without autism, it does not necessarily mean they do not have any other neurodivergent traits or experiences. is used to acknowledge the difference between autistic and non-autistic individuals , without pathologizing or stigmatizing either group. Nazi Controversy Surrounding Hans Asperger Hans Asperger was an Austrian pediatrician and medical researcher widely known for his work on autism spectrum disorder. However, there has been controversy regarding Asperger's involvement with the Nazi regime during World War II. Asperger was a member of the Nazi Party and worked in Vienna during the 1930s and 1940s, a time when eugenics was a prevalent ideology in Europe. Asperger is said to have collaborated with the Nazi regime by referring children with disabilities to the Am Spiegelgrund clini c, a facility that conducted forced euthanasia on children deemed "unworthy of life" under the Nazi euthanasia program. In 2018, a study by historian Herwig Czech revealed evidence that Asperger actively participated in the Nazi regime's euthanasia program and was involved in transferring disabled children to the Spiegelgrund clinic. Czech's findings contradict Asperger's previous reputation as a defender of autistic children during the Nazi era. The controversy surrounding Asperger's involvement with the Nazi regime has sparked a debate among scholars and professionals specializing in autism spectrum disorder. Some argue that Asperger's work on autism should be judged solely on its scientific merit. In contrast, others contend that his collaboration with the Nazi regime is inseparable from his scientific contributions. Given the controversy, we avoid the use of Asperger's but respect a clients' wishes if they prefer that term. Cassandra Syndrome The concept of the Cassandra syndrome in psychology can be relevant to partners of individuals with autism, particularly if the partner repeatedly expresses concerns or predictions about negative outcomes related to their partner's condition but feels ignored or dismissed by others. Partners of individuals with autism may have unique insights and experiences related to their loved one's behavior and may notice patterns or potential issues that others may not recognize. However, they may also encounter a lack of understanding or support from others who are not as familiar with the condition or who may have different perspectives. This can create a sense of frustration and isolation for partners, who may feel like they are not being heard or validated. They may also struggle with balancing their needs and concerns with those of their partner, which can create a sense of cognitive dissonance or conflicting emotions. While the Cassandra syndrome is not an official diagnosis or recognized psychological term, feeling unheard or dismissed despite having valid concerns can be a deeply challenging experience for partners of individuals with autism. It's important for partners to seek support and understanding from others who can relate to their experiences and to communicate their concerns in a way that can be heard and understood by others. You can get this kind of support at Believing Cassandra : www.believing-cassandra.com Autism and Gender The prevalence of individuals with autism who identify as LGBTQIA+ is not well established due to limited research on this topic. Some studies suggest that individuals with autism may be more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ than the general population, while others do not show a significant difference. For example, a study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders in 2020 found that autistic individuals were more likely to identify as non-heterosexual compared to non-autistic individuals. Specifically, 16.1% of autistic individuals in the study identified as non-heterosexual, compared to 5.9% of non-autistic individuals. Furthermore, a study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders in 2017 found that there was no significant difference in the sexual orientation or gender identity of autistic and non-autistic individuals. Another study published in the journal Autism in 2016 found that autistic individuals were more likely to identify as a sexual minority than non-autistic individuals. Specifically, the study found that 8.6% of autistic individuals identified as a sexual minority, compared to 5.5% of non-autistic individuals. It is important to note that the samples in these studies were relatively small and may not be representative of the broader population. Additionally, sexual orientation and gender identity are complex and personal topics that may not be fully captured by survey questions. Therefore, further research is needed to better understand the relationship between autism and LGBTQIA+ identities. Please know that our team is fully committed to providing an affirmative space for people who identify as LGBTQIA+ Disability The term "disabled" can have different meanings and connotations, depending on the context and the perspective from which it is used. In general, the term refers to a condition or impairment that limits a person's ability to perform certain activities or participate in certain aspects of society. Whether or not to use the term "disabled" to describe autistic people is a matter of personal preference and perspective. Pro: Some autistic individuals prefer to identify as disabled, as they believe it accurately reflects the challenges they face and the accommodations they may need . Con: Others believe the word disabled over-emphasizes deficits over strengths and may prefer to use other terms, such as "neurodivergent" or "differently abled," which emphasize their unique abilities and strengths. Ultimately, it is important to respect individuals' preferences and use language that they feel accurately reflects their experiences and identity. High & Low Functioning The terms "high functioning autism" and "low functioning autism" are often used to describe individuals on the autism spectrum who are perceived to have more or less significant challenges or abilities, especially in terms of intellectual capability, language skills, and the ability to independently perform daily activities. However, the use of these terms is increasingly considered problematic and ableist for several reasons: 1. Over-Simplification: Autism is a highly complex and heterogeneous condition, with individuals exhibiting a wide range of strengths, challenges, and needs. The terms "high functioning" and "low functioning" oversimplify this complexity and reduce an individual's entire experience and identity to a binary categorization based on perceived abilities. 2. Misleading Representations: The label "high functioning" can mask the significant challenges and support needs that an individual may have. It can lead to underestimating the difficulties they face, including sensory sensitivities, social and communication challenges, and mental health issues. Conversely, labeling someone as "low functioning" can underestimate their capabilities and potential, leading to low expectations and limited opportunities for growth and participation in society. 3. Ableism: Ableism is discrimination or social prejudice against people with disabilities, favoring individuals who are not disabled. Using terms like "high" and "low functioning" contributes to ableist narratives by implying a hierarchy of worth or value based on perceived productivity or independence. It reinforces the idea that certain abilities are more valuable or desirable than others and that people who require more support are somehow less than those who are more independent. 4. Impact on Identity and Self-Esteem: These labels can have a profound impact on how individuals see themselves and how they are perceived by others. Being labeled as "low functioning" can lead to stigma, discrimination, and internalized ableism, whereas being labeled as "high functioning" can lead to unrealistic expectations and pressure to conform to neurotypical standards. 5. Shift Towards Spectrum Understanding: The autism community and many professionals advocate for moving away from functioning labels towards a more nuanced understanding of autism as a spectrum, where each individual's strengths and challenges are recognized and supported. The emphasis is on understanding each person's unique profile, including their needs, preferences, and abilities, rather than categorizing them into broad and often misleading categories. The conversation around autism and functioning labels reflects a broader shift towards a more inclusive and respectful approach to neurodiversity, emphasizing the importance of respecting each individual's autonomy, strengths, and challenges, rather than applying labels that can limit understanding and support. What is Normal? Acceptance > Normal Neurodiversity Identity-First Difference > Disorder Diverse vs Divergent Allistic vs. Neurotypical Social Model Asperger & Nazis Cassandra Syndrome Autism & Gender Disability Level of Function

Autism and ADHD in Asian communities I’m Jenny—Chinese American, bilingual in Mandarin and English, and neurodivergent. I know what it’s like to grow up in a culture where therapy is shunned. In my Chinese and Taiwanese culture, therapy is often seen as a sign of weakness or a source of shame—something that causes a person to "lose face." Self-reflection may feel like betrayal. I spent years trying to fit into 2 cultures, staying quiet, and keeping the peace. That mindset cost me my energy and parts of myself I’m still reclaiming. Now I work with clients who are tired of masking, tired of translating their needs, and tired of being misunderstood—even by people they love. If you’re neurodivergent and Asian, you’ve probably felt caught between two worlds as well. Honor your culture, or honor your nervous system. I’m here to tell you: you don’t have to choose. Collaborate and celebrate. Our team— Lea Choi , Daniel Chung , Maring Higa , Nancy Rushing , and me —brings lived experience with Chinese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Filipino, and Korean cultures. We also have lived experience with Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, and the relationship challenges that come with different ways of processing the world we live in. If you feel like you're not "enough" in your own skin, you're not alone. We don’t do stereotypes. We don’t do shame and blame. We do neuro-informed therapy, cultural context, and practical tools for building connection. We do it in a way that doesn’t cost you your identity. Ready to be seen, heard, and understood? 👉 Schedule a confidential consult Warmly, Jenny Pan Culturally Sensitive Therapist for Neurodivergent Clients at Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Learn more about Jenny! Get Matched with a Therapist © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Are you desperately hoping to work on your neurodiverse relationship but worried that traditional weekly therapy just won't be enough? With sessions spread over months, progress can feel glacial. And hope gets zapped between sessions. Also, whoever said that one hour a week is always the best formula for therapy? 🔄 The Retreat Relationship Reset What if you could spend 3 days (with lots of breaks!) where you could reset your relationship? Like rebooting your computer!? At our neurodiverse couples retreats, you can: Reset your profound misunderstandings of neurodiversity and each other Get some therapy momentum going Secure buy-in to a healing roadmap from both partners Build a foundation to rebuild your relationship in a new way 🚫 Overcoming Objections Attending a retreat is a big decision. We usually hear some strong objections that sound like: How can I fit this in my schedule? 🗓️ When you do the math, a marriage retreat, often over a weekend, may be easier to fit into your schedule than the total time and logistics involved with going to an equal number of hours of weekly therapy. 🎯 It’s a big commitment. Maybe too big! Research shows that more commitment usually leads to higher motivation and better results. Yes, it is a big commitment. But on the other hand, if you make the commitment, it can set you on a much better path. 🤔 This sounds way too intensive. I'm autistic! Will I be able to handle it? We use the words “couples retreat” and not “couples intensive” for a reason. We are flexible with our agenda and slow things down as much as necessary, with lots of check-ins and breaks to give you a chance to reset your nervous system. 📝 What will actually happen during the retreat? Good question! Check out this sample schedule . 🏠 We can't afford the travel plus the cost of therapy. Virtual Retreats: Many couples love attending via Zoom. You’re in the comfort of your home, with no travel costs, extra planning, or added expenses. You get the same personalized attention and specific tools for success as an in-person retreat. In-Person Retreats: If it works in your budget, our getaways allow couples to escape everyday life and focus solely on reconnecting. The change of scenery helps you disconnect from stress and dive deep into the retreat experience. It’s about resetting in a new environment, fostering deeper connections, and learning new relationship skills. I’m afraid we’ll invest all this time and then fizzle out. 🔥 You’ll have the tools and strategies from the retreat to empower you to develop skills for self-awareness, understanding, acceptance, and communication. We’ll give you an individualized action plan that meets the needs of your relationship. We also encourage you to book ongoing regular therapy sessions with your retreat therapist so you can continue your momentum! 🌟 Ready to Take the Next Step? Why wouldn't you want someone who really understands you?! Whether you choose a virtual or in-person retreat, the Neurodiverse Couples Retreat Center is here to support you. We're the only retreat designed for neurodiverse couples run by neurodiverse specialists. Visit www.neurodiverse-retreat.com to learn more and book your retreat today! With hop for your growth and connection, Harry Dr. Harry Motro , LMFT, Clinical Director Founder Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Whitney Pressley, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule with Whitney Do You Struggle to Recognize and Express Emotions? Want to see if your behavior is consistent with alexithymia? We invite you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Site and Take the Alexithymia Test Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

< Back At a Glance Mother of two teenagers (ages 16 and 13) — parenting across neurotypes, up close ADHD, diagnosed in her twenties, and now discovering her own autism Grew up surrounded by neurodivergence — an autistic sister and a highly sensitive mother An expert in blended families and co-parenting, in childhood and adulthood Deep focus as a superpower — the ability to study a subject all the way to its depths Lived and clinical understanding of masking, sensory sensitivity, rejection sensitivity, and high sensitivity Adapts established therapy approaches to how the neurodivergent brain works Rooted in Narrative Therapy, with Family Systems and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Former real estate broker and operations leader; group facilitator, including anger-management work Coaching clients worldwide; therapy for clients in California Why I Do This Work I know what it's like to feel different, misunderstood, or exhausted from trying to fit into spaces that weren't designed with you in mind. I'm a mother of two teenagers, ages 16 and 13. I've built and rebuilt a family through divorce and blending, navigated my own neurodivergence, and had several successful careers before this one. I mention that early because the experience behind it is exactly what I bring into the room. As someone with ADHD who is also coming to understand my own autistic traits, I know firsthand both the strengths and the challenges of being neurodivergent — thinking differently, processing differently, and working to balance my own needs against everyone else's expectations. I work with neurodivergent individuals, couples, and families as they come to understand themselves and each other more clearly. Many of the people I work with arrive feeling stuck in cycles of misunderstanding, conflict, burnout, anxiety, or self-doubt. Together, we build insight, strengthen communication, and create relationships that hold each person's strengths and needs. What I Understand About Neurodiverse Couples When two people experience the world through different nervous systems, the same conversation, the same Tuesday night, the same small moment can land in completely different ways. One partner may be more literal, more direct, and more easily overloaded; the other may read between the lines, move faster, and need more back-and-forth to feel close. Without a map, those differences start to feel like rejection, distance, or "you just don't care." I have deep expertise with autistic adults, ADHDers, mixed-neurotype couples, and families navigating the challenges that arise when people experience the world in different ways. My work is about slowing the painful loops down — not by asking either partner to become someone they're not, but by identifying exactly how each person's brain, history, and communication style is shaping the moments that keep going sideways, and then building something that works for both of you. I work with couples who want to communicate better, strengthen their connection, and truly understand one another. I also work with individuals and families, because meaningful change doesn't require everyone to be in the room. Growing Up Surrounded by Neurodivergence Neurodiversity isn't something I studied from the outside — it's the water I grew up in. My sister is autistic, and my mother is highly sensitive and deeply detail-oriented, with her own neurodivergent wiring. Difference was simply part of my family. I was a shy, quiet child — so much so that I didn't speak to anyone outside my own home until I was seven years old. School was hard socially; fitting in never came easily. We moved often, which meant starting over again and again, each time having to find a way to connect and belong. I learned early to cope, to mask, and to camouflage — to study how other people worked and to perform the version of myself that seemed expected of me. With so much to navigate at home, I also grew up quickly. I took on more than a child should, and in some ways I didn't get to simply be a kid. I understand now, with language I didn't have then, how being parentified shapes a person — how it can make you capable and responsible while also leaving you disconnected from your own needs. For a long time, these were just facts about me. Now I look back on all of it with understanding and grace, through the lens of my own neurodivergence, and it finally makes sense. That shift — from "what's wrong with me?" to "this is simply how I'm wired" — is one I know from the inside. It's a big part of why I connect so deeply with clients who are coming to understand themselves later in life. My Own Neurodivergence I was diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type, in my twenties, and so much clicked into place — including the classic "out of sight, out of mind" experience, where if I can't see something, it may as well not exist. Over the years I've built real systems and strategies to work with that brain rather than against it. More recently, I've been exploring my own autism-adjacent traits — I'm on that discovery journey myself, even as I walk it alongside my clients. One of the gifts of how I'm wired is the ability to focus deeply — to fixate on a subject and study it all the way down (what some call monotropism). When something captures me, whether it's the ocean, sharks, or the workings of the human mind, I go all the way in. I've learned to treat that intensity as a strength, not a flaw — and to help clients recognize their own. This path has helped me name things I carried quietly for years — the high cost of masking, sensory sensitivity, rejection sensitivity, and life as a highly sensitive person. I'm also a veteran of my own therapy: I've done the work of learning to pay attention to my feelings, to accept myself, and to do things my own way rather than the neurotypical way. Coming to understand these patterns in myself changed how I understand them in others. When I sit with someone exhausted from masking, bracing against the sting of rejection, or overwhelmed by a world turned up too loud, I'm not working from theory. I know that territory, and I know there's a way through it. A Blended Family, Then and Now Blended families are something I understand from every angle. My own mother was married before I came along, so I grew up with a step-brother and a step-sister — a blended family was my normal from the very start. As an adult, I married my high school sweetheart. We divorced after six years, when I was twenty-six. Today my former husband is remarried, I'm in a long-term relationship, and my partner and I are raising my two teenagers, ages 16 and 13, together. My ex and I co-parent successfully — not because it was easy, but because we did the work to make it work. So when I sit with a blended or co-parenting family, I'm not speaking from a textbook. I know the logistics, the loyalties, the grief of a family that changed shape, and the real, ongoing work of building something healthy across households. Family dynamics — the roles we fall into, the patterns that pass down through generations, and the work of rewriting them — are a genuine area of expertise for me. Many Careers, One Throughline Therapy is not my first career — it's the one all the others were quietly preparing me for. I've been a real estate broker, worked in the title and insurance industry, led operations and teams, supported a busy chiropractic practice, and worked in healthcare administration. I've moved cities more times than I can count and started over successfully again and again. Along the way I learned something I now bring into the room: the drive to succeed can be both a strength and a trap. It can carry you a long way, and it can also leave you burned out, disconnected, and measuring your worth by how much you produce. I help people hold that tension — to use their drive without being used by it. Identity, Culture, and How It Shifts So much of who we are is shaped early, and it keeps changing — as we grow, and again inside our closest relationships, where two histories, two cultures, and two sets of expectations meet and reshape each other. Helping people understand that evolution — where their story began, how it has shifted, and who they're becoming — is central to how I work. I also bring a personal appreciation for the beauty and complexity of interracial and multicultural relationships, and for how culture, family expectations, communication styles, and lived experience shape a partnership in both meaningful and challenging ways. Whatever your background, I work to create a space where every part of your experience is welcomed and respected. How I Work A word about method, because with neurodivergent clients it matters enormously. Standard therapy models — Narrative Therapy, Family Systems, CBT, and the rest — were not designed with neurodivergent brains in mind. Applied straight off the shelf, they can miss the mark, and sometimes they backfire: a pace that feels "gently challenging" to one nervous system can be flooding to another, and a technique that builds insight for one person can create shame for the next. I adapt established therapy approaches to how the neurodivergent brain works. That adaptation is the work, and it's where my expertise lives. Within that neurodiversity-informed frame, I draw most heavily from Narrative Therapy, because people are always more than the problems they face, their diagnoses, or their circumstances. I integrate Family Systems and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to make sense of the patterns that developed for a reason, strengthen relationships, and build practical tools for change. I will tell you what I see clearly and directly, I'll challenge you when it serves you, and I will always treat you as the expert on your own life. Who I Work With Neurodiverse couples — mixed-neurotype and dual-neurodivergent partners navigating communication gaps and the search for connection Autistic adults and ADHDers (diagnosed or self-identified) AuDHD adults — people who are both autistic and ADHD, a distinct profile with its own strengths and challenges Adults coming to understand their neurodivergence later in life Blended families and co-parents navigating divorce, remarriage, and life across households People who grew up parentified — the responsible one who never quite got to be a kid Individuals working on anger, conflict, and emotional regulation Adolescents and young adults working through identity, confidence, and belonging Anyone navigating interracial, multicultural, or cross-cultural relationships What to Expect in Session Clients tell me I'm genuine, easy to talk to, and grounded. I believe therapy should feel like a partnership — a place where you feel safe and supported, and also honestly challenged when it will move you forward. I accommodate neurodivergent needs, including movement, fidgeting, reduced eye contact, written summaries, and flexibility around sensory and energy load. What can look like resistance is often a nervous system protecting itself, and we work with that, not against it. You won't be asked to perform or to become someone different — you'll be asked to show up, stay curious, and let us slow things down together. "Therapy doesn't require you to become someone different. Often, it is about helping you better understand who you already are, and learning how to build a life that works for you." License, Training, & Education Neurodiverse Coach Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT) — AMFT #164737 All sessions are virtual. I coach clients worldwide and provide therapy to clients in California. Supervised by Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT #53452 Employed by New Path Family of Therapy Centers Education: Master of Arts in Marriage & Family Therapy — Touro University Worldwide Bachelor of Arts in Psychology — Sacramento State University Associate of Arts in Psychology & Sociology — Bakersfield College Clinical Training & Experience: Neurodiversity-affirming and neurodiversity-informed care; Narrative Therapy, Family Systems Therapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), each adapted for neurodivergent clients; group facilitation and class instruction, including anger-management work; strengths-based approach Specialty Areas: Neurodiverse Couples, Autism, Autistic Adults, ADHD, AuDHD, Late-Identified Neurodivergence, Mixed-Neurotype Relationships, Masking & Camouflaging, Sensory Sensitivity, Rejection Sensitivity, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), Blended Families, Co-Parenting, Family Dynamics, Parenting (Neurotypical & Neurodiverse), Parentification, Anger, Emotional Regulation, Communication, Connection, Narrative Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Family Systems, CBT, Divorce, Life Transitions, Multicultural Challenges, Interracial Relationships, Adolescents, Young Adults Shandy Grantham Take an Autism Test

"Why can't you look me in the eye?" Have you ever heard or said this? In the realm of human connection, eye contact is often hailed as a cornerstone of intimacy and understanding. However, for those of us living in a neurodiverse relationship, the act of locking gazes isn't always the golden key to connection it's made out to be. For some of us, eye contact can be a challenge, a discomfort, even an impossibility at times. For these people, connection doesn't need eyes to flourish. In fact, it may be easier for them to listen deeply without maintaining eye contact. Yet, for their partners who are not neurodiverse, the absence of eye contact can sometimes feel like a gulf, a silent space where connection is sought but not found. It's a valid feeling, stemming from a world that teaches us to seek the soul in the eyes of another. This dissonance can be painful and can feel like rejection, even when it's anything but. It's crucial, then, to acknowledge this pain, to understand that it comes from a place of deep longing for connection, not from a lack of love or desire to understand. Next Steps: Start Seeing Differently Here are some steps we can take, together, to bridge this gap, to build a world where connection thrives in every look and in every look away: 1. Share Openly. For the neurodiverse partner, explain what eye contact feels like for you, and for the allistic partner, share why it's important to you. This mutual understanding is the foundation of empathy. 2. Find Your Language of Love: Connection wears countless faces. Discover yours. It could be through words of affirmation, shared hobbies, touch, or simply sitting side-by-side in comfortable silence. 3. Celebrate Small Victories: If eye contact is something you both wish to explore, approach it gently, as a journey you're on together. Celebrate the moments, however brief, where comfort is found in a shared glance. But remember, it's not a measure of progress in your relationship. 4. Seek Support, Together: You're not alone on this journey. When you're ready, reach out to one of our neurodiverse couples counselors. As you move forward, hold close the knowledge that connection is not confined to the eyes. It blossoms in the spaces we create for each other, in understanding, acceptance, and the countless ways we choose to say, "I am here with you." Ready to explore this journey further? Click Here To Match With An Expert All the best, Harry Dr. Harry Motro, LMFT, PsyD Dr. Motro is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist #53452 and the Founder/Clinical Director of the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center. Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Whitney Pressley, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule With Whitney Take an ASD/ADHD Screener Are you curious about whether or not you have autism/ADHD? Want to learn more about yourself and take the first step towards deeper self-understanding? We invite you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Site and Take An ASD/ADHD Assessment Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

By Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center c Does autism run in families Why Neurodiversity So Often Shows Up All Over One Family Tree A lot of families walk into an evaluation thinking they’re dealing with one person’s brain. Then the diagnosis lands—autism, ADHD, or AuDHD—and it’s like someone turned the lights on. A parent reads the traits and thinks, “That’s me.” Then they think about a sibling. Then a grandparent. Then the “eccentric” aunt or uncle everyone has always tiptoed around. That moment is real. And it’s not just your imagination. Neurodivergent traits often cluster in families because both autism and ADHD show strong genetic influence in research. This is what we call the Genetic Ripple Effect : one diagnosis becomes a window into the whole family’s wiring. What those percentages actually mean Let’s translate the science into normal language—without turning it into fate. 1) Heritability ≠ “I passed down 70% of this” When you hear “ADHD is ~70–80% heritable,” it doesn’t mean there’s a 70–80% chance a parent “gave” ADHD to a child. Heritability is a population-level statistic . It means that, across a population, a large portion of the differences we see in ADHD traits are associated with genetic differences. It says nothing about any one individual’s destiny. But it does mean this: If ADHD is present in your child, it’s very common to find ADHD traits in one or both parents—diagnosed or not. In one major review, the average heritability across twin studies is about 74% . 2) Autism also shows substantial heritability Autism heritability estimates vary by study design and assumptions, but meta-analytic work finds substantial heritability , with estimates reported in the 64–91% range. Again: not destiny. But it strongly supports why families often recognize patterns across generations once they know what to look for. Why AuDHD makes families feel “pulled in two directions” The graphic highlights co-occurrence (AuDHD overlap). That matters because it changes how a person can look day-to-day. A recent review describes the prevalence of ADHD in autistic individuals as often ranging roughly 50–70% in meta-analytic findings. What that can look like at home: A strong need for sameness and a strong need for stimulation A child who craves routine and gets bored instantly “Focused” in one moment, “scattered” the next “Rigid” under stress, but also “impulsive” under stress Families often feel confused because they’re trying to use one explanation, and the child is living with more than one neurological pull. The sibling shift: why the “baseline” stops applying The graphic shows a general-population baseline at the bottom and a jump in probability for siblings. That jump is real. A major 2024 recurrence study reported that about 20.2% of younger siblings developed autism when they had an older autistic sibling. That’s not “most siblings,” but it’s high enough that families often look back and realize, “Oh… we missed signs in the other kid too.” Even when a sibling doesn’t meet criteria for a diagnosis, many families still notice shared traits—sensory differences, processing differences, emotional intensity, attention patterns—which can shape the whole household. The “Broader Phenotype”: why relatives can look familiar without fitting the diagnosis One reason neurodiversity feels “everywhere” is that not everyone has the same presentation. Researchers describe a broader autism phenotype —relatives who don’t meet full diagnostic criteria but show recognizable traits (communication style, rigidity, detail focus, sensory sensitivity, social differences). So the family tree can include: People with clear diagnoses People with subclinical traits People who masked for decades People who were simply labeled “difficult,” “cold,” “controlling,” “too sensitive,” or “lazy” And once those labels are in place, the family story can turn toxic fast. Because “difference” gets treated like a character flaw. Why this matters emotionally (and why it can be a relief) When families understand the Genetic Ripple Effect, two things usually happen: Shame drops. The story changes from “What’s wrong with us?” to “Oh—this is a wiring pattern.” Blame gets exposed as lazy storytelling. “Selfish” becomes “overloaded.” “Defiant” becomes “stuck.” “Controlling” becomes “trying to stay regulated.” “Lazy” becomes “executive function collapse.” That doesn’t excuse harm. It just replaces moral judgment with accuracy—which is the only place real change starts. How Family Therapy helps When neurodivergence clusters in a family, the stress rarely lives inside one person—it lives between people. That’s why families often need a coordinated family approach, not just individual work. If you want the how —how we actually structure this clinically—read Blog 1: Integrated Neurodiverse Family Therapy Schedule a consultation here! Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Resources & Further Reading Faraone, S. V., & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Molecular Psychiatry, 24(4), 562–575. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-018-0070-0 Grønborg, T. K., Schendel, D. E., & Parner, E. T. (2013). Recurrence of autism spectrum disorders in full- and half-siblings and trends over time: A population-based cohort study. JAMA Pediatrics, 167(10), 947–953. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2013.2259 Hansen, S. N., Schendel, D. E., Francis, R. W., Windham, G. C., Bresnahan, M., Levine, S. Z., … Parner, E. T. (2019). Recurrence risk of autism in siblings and cousins: A multinational, population-based study. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 58(9), 866–875. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2018.11.017 Ozonoff, S., Young, G. S., Bradshaw, J., Charman, T., Chawarska, K., Iverson, J. M., Klaiman, C., Landa, R. J., McDonald, N., Messinger, D., Schmidt, R. J., Wilkinson, C. L., & Zwaigenbaum, L. (2024). Familial recurrence of autism: Updates from the Baby Siblings Research Consortium. Pediatrics, 154(2), e2023065297. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2023-065297 Sandin, S., Lichtenstein, P., Kuja-Halkola, R., Larsson, H., Hultman, C. M., & Reichenberg, A. (2014). The familial risk of autism. JAMA, 311(17), 1770–1777. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2014.4144 Thapar, A., & Cooper, M. (2016). Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The Lancet, 387(10024), 1240–1250. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(15)00238-X Tick, B., Bolton, P., Happé, F., Rutter, M., & Rijsdijk, F. (2016). Heritability of autism spectrum disorders: A meta-analysis of twin studies. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(5), 585–595. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12499 Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Meet Sara and Mark. Mark is autistic and, in our third therapy session, his struggles with alcohol became the BIG topic of discussion. For years, alcohol use sent their relationship on a rollercoaster of misunderstandings and pain. Whenever Sarah’s parents visited or Mark’s work became overwhelming, Mark would secretly drink. However, it wasn’t secret enough. Sarah would pick up on subtle clues, confront Mark, who would feel defensive and ashamed and would completely shut down. Sarah never understood why Mark drank and viewed his struggle as a personality flaw. Mark didn't want to drink, yet he couldn't find another way to cope. And he hated Sarah telling him what to do. It was painful for both of them! Fortunately, they didn't give up. Instead, they tried neuro-informed therapy. In our work together, they could finally stop blaming each other and take a deeper look at themselves. They learned to look beyond the alcohol to the underlying stressors. Eventually, they quit seeing each other as the enemy and started working towards an addiction-free relationship. Surprising Stats 📊 When it comes to substance use and autism, the conversation is far from straightforward. A recent study by the Autism Research Centre in Cambridge examined this issue using a mix of surveys and in-depth responses. Here's what they found: Less Frequent Autistic Use: Only 16% of autistic adults reported drinking on three or more days per week, compared to 22% of their non-autistic peers. Just 4% of autistic adults reported binge-drinking, compared to 8% of non-autistic adults. Male & Female #’s: Autistic males are less likely to have ever smoked or used drugs compared to non-autistic males. There were no significant differences in substance use patterns between autistic and non-autistic females . B ehind the Numbers: The Real Story of Autism & Addiction 🗣️ Despite the lower rates of substance use overall, the qualitative data tells a different story: Self-Medication: Autistic individuals were nearly nine times more likely to use recreational drugs to manage autism-related symptoms like sensory overload and mental focus . Many also used substances to mask their autism, a practice known as camouflaging. Mental Health: Autistic adults were over three times more likely to use substances to manage mental health symptoms, including anxiety, depression, dealing with past trauma, and suicidal thoughts . While some found relief and reduced their prescribed medication doses, others faced significant risks. High Risk: Autistic individuals are over four times more likely to report substance use related to dependence and managing suicidal thoughts . Working Together in Neurodiverse Couples Therapy for Addiction 🤔 Here are five key insights and steps to support your relationship: Recognize the Overlap 🔀: Understand that autistic partners may use substances to cope with sensory overload, social anxiety, or other challenges. A cknowledge this unique interplay between autism and addiction, how it shows up in your relationship, and break the shame cycle which is based on misunderstanding. Personalized Treatment Plans 📝: Develop both individual and couples treatment plans that consider the specific needs of the autistic and allistic partners. This may include sensory-friendly environments and transparent addiction recovery plans. Developing Shared Language 💬 : For neurodiverse couples dealing with addiction, creating a shared language is crucial. This includes practicing "recovery check-in’s" where partners discuss their progress and setbacks. I t's important to differentiate between a slip (a single instance of substance use) and a relapse (a return to previous patterns of substance use). By fostering clear communication, couples can address feelings of shame and vulnerability openly, which helps in supporting each other through recovery. Professional Support 🩺: Work with our therapists who are experienced in both autism and addiction. Specialized strategies tailored to neurodiverse couples can be more effective. Build a Support Network 👥: When appropriate, engage family and friends in the treatment process. Their support creates a stable environment crucial for recovery. Alternative Coping Mechanisms 🌟: Encourage healthy coping mechanisms, such as hobbies or physical activities, that provide relief without substance use. Stay Connected 💬 We're here to help you navigate the complexities of neurodiverse relationships. If you have any questions or need support, don't hesitate to reach out. Let's continue to learn and grow together! Harry Dr. Harry Motro , LMFT, Clinical Director Founder Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator? Hi, I'm Whitney Pressley, Client Care Coordinator. Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you. Schedule with Whitney Think You Might be on the Autism Spectrum? We invite you to visit the Adult Autism Assessment Site and Take the RITVO Diagnostic Scale Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

HSP for Couples TIP: Want answers fast? Check out our 📄 Quick Guide on HSP for Couples to access key facts, FAQs , and why you should choose us. Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person for couples. Do you often feel overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, or strong smells? Maybe you’ve been told you’re "too sensitive" or that you need to toughen up. If this sounds familiar, you might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). This trait, found in 15-20% of the population, describes individuals whose nervous systems are wired to process sensory input more deeply. Being an HSP is not a disorder —you won’t find it in the DSM. However, it plays a significant role in how people experience the world. Understanding this trait can transform relationships, helping couples and individuals navigate its challenges and embrace its unique strengths. Not sure where to start? Our free questionnaire was designed to help you understand your level of sensitivity and emotional/sensory responsiveness. It measures four key traits commonly associated with high sensitivity: Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotional Reactivity, and Sensitivity to Subtleties. Take the HSP Questionnaire What is HSP? H ighly Sensitive People possess a blend of qualities that make their experiences in the world different, including: Depth of Processing HSPs process all types of information more deeply than others. They are more reflective, often taking longer to make decisions because of their detailed thought process. This depth of processing includes both conscious analysis of conversations and unconscious gut feelings. Overarousability HSPs notice more than others in any given situation—be it emotions, noise levels, or even subtle smells. This hyper-awareness is advantageous but can also lead to overarousal and stress, especially in overwhelming environments. Emotional Intensity HSPs feel emotions intensely, both positive and negative. This heightened emotional responsiveness makes them empathetic, as they are more attuned to others' feelings. Sensory Sensitivity HSPs are highly sensitive to subtle environmental stimuli, which can help them notice potential dangers but also makes them more vulnerable to discomfort from loud noises, bright lights, or even certain foods. Risk Evaluation HSPs are excellent strategists and tend to plan ahead, carefully evaluating risks before acting. Their sensitivity tempers impulsive behavior, making them cautious adventurers Helping Couples Understand HSP For neurodiverse couples, where one partner may be autistic or have ADHD, integrating an HSP trait into the relationship adds complexity but also depth. Here’s how this dynamic can show up: Sensory Overload : HSPs can find environments or experiences that seem neutral to their partner overwhelming. Whether it’s a noisy event or an emotionally charged conversation, the HSP partner may need more downtime or a change in surroundings to cope with the overload. Their non-HSP partner, however, may not experience the same level of intensity and can feel frustrated or confused by the HSP’s reactions. Counseling can help each partner understand and respect the other’s sensory needs, finding a balance between stimulation and calm. Emotional Processing : HSPs are deeply sensitive to emotional shifts in a relationship. A tone of voice, a word choice, or even an expression can trigger strong emotions. In neurodiverse couples, this sensitivity can clash with a more direct or less emotionally expressive partner, like someone on the autism spectrum, who may be less attuned to these subtle cues. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Therapy can help bridge this gap, fostering communication that supports both the HSP’s need for emotional nuance and the non-HSP partner’s need for straightforward conversation. Conflict Resolution : Because HSPs feel emotions so deeply, conflict in the relationship can feel especially overwhelming. They may take longer to recover after arguments, need more reassurance, or even avoid conflict altogether to prevent emotional overload. This avoidance, however, can lead to unresolved issues. Neurodiverse couples therapy can provide tools for managing conflict in a way that doesn’t overwhelm the HSP, while also giving the non-HSP partner the space they need to express their thoughts more clearly. Building Empathy : On the flip side, the depth of feeling that HSPs bring to a relationship can foster a strong sense of empathy and emotional connection. Their sensitivity allows them to pick up on their partner’s needs, even if unspoken, which can create a more supportive and nurturing bond. Couples therapy can help partners use these strengths to their advantage, deepening their connection while also addressing the challenges that come with HSP traits. By creating a space where both partners’ needs are understood and respected, counseling can help neurodiverse couples find a new balance in their relationship. HSP Overlaps with Other Neurodiversities HSP traits can overlap with aspects of other neurodiverse conditions such as autism or ADHD. For example: Autism : Both HSPs and autistic individuals can experience sensory sensitivities, though for different reasons. Autistic individuals may struggle with processing sensory stimuli, while HSPs tend to process stimuli more deeply on an emotional level. ADHD : HSPs may experience a similar sense of overwhelm in busy environments as someone with ADHD, but where ADHD might be characterized by difficulty focusing, HSPs are often over-focused on emotional and sensory details. Exploring these overlaps in therapy can help neurodiverse individuals and couples find ways to better understand each other and work together. Is Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) a Disorder? Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), the trait underlying HSP, is not a disorder but rather a natural variation in how the nervous system processes sensory information. While it can coexist with conditions like autism or ADHD, it is distinct in important ways: Empathy and Social Sensitivity : SPS involves high levels of empathy and responsiveness to social stimuli, traits that are often absent in conditions like high-functioning autism. This makes SPS more about deep social and emotional engagement rather than social difficulty. Attention Span : Although HSPs may be misdiagnosed with ADHD, they tend to have good concentration in quiet, calm environments. ADHD typically presents with a more consistent challenge in maintaining attention, regardless of the setting. Despite the challenges of overstimulation and emotional intensity, SPS offers a range of advantages, including heightened intuition, creativity, and empathy. For some, however, the trait can lead to vulnerabilities, such as anxiety or depression, particularly if they feel misunderstood or isolated. Therapy can provide valuable psychoeducational support, helping HSPs navigate these challenges while embracing their sensitivity as a strength. We're here to answer questions! Understand Your Sensory Sensitivity: Get Expert Guidance with Our Sensory Assessment If you’re wondering whether your sensitivity might be part of a broader sensory processing pattern, you may benefit from taking the Sensory Processing Measure, Second Edition (SPM-2) . The SPM-2 is a widely recognized tool used to assess how individuals process sensory information in various environments, such as at home, work, or in social situations. What is the SPM-2? The SPM-2 measures different aspects of sensory processing, including how people respond to visual, auditory, tactile, and other sensory stimuli. It can help identify specific areas where a person may struggle with sensory integration, such as difficulty filtering out background noise or heightened sensitivity to touch. How Does It Relate to HSP? While the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait is not the same as sensory processing disorder (SPD) or other sensory challenges, there are overlapping characteristics. Both HSPs and individuals with sensory processing challenges may: Experience overstimulation in busy or noisy environments Feel overwhelmed by certain textures, sounds, or bright lights Require more downtime or space after social interactions However, HSP focuses more on emotional and social sensitivity , along with a deeper level of processing information, whereas sensory processing disorders tend to be more about how the brain interprets sensory input from the environment. How Can the SPM-2 Help? For individuals who are uncertain if their experiences stem from sensory processing difficulties or their HSP trait , the SPM-2 provides valuable insight. Under the guidance of our trained clinicians, this assessment can: Clarify if sensory sensitivities are part of a more significant sensory processing challenge Identify areas where targeted support might reduce overstimulation and stress Guide therapy to address both the emotional and sensory aspects of sensitivity, creating a more holistic treatment approach Schedule Your SPM-2 Assessment Today At the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, our clinicians are experienced in using the SPM-2 to help individuals understand their sensory profiles. If you’re interested in exploring how sensory processing might be influencing your experience, we invite you to take this assessment as part of your therapeutic journey. Contact us to schedule an SPM-2 assessment with one of our expert clinicians and start gaining deeper insight into your sensory and emotional world. Contact Us Today! 5 Great Books on HSP The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron - The essential guide to understanding HSP traits and learning how to embrace them. Learn more The Highly Sensitive Person in Love by Elaine Aron - A must-read for HSPs navigating love and relationships. Learn more The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff - Practical strategies for managing emotions and boundaries as an HSP or empath. Learn more Quiet by Susan Cain - An exploration of introverts, many of whom share HSP traits, and how to thrive in a noisy world. Learn more The Highly Sensitive Parent by Elaine Aron - For HSPs who are navigating the joys and challenges of parenthood. Learn more Meet with our Client Care Coordinator Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Maybe your teen is melting down every night after school.Or they’re totally shut down. Or both. They’ve been labeled sensitive, dramatic, and disrespectful.But what if that’s not the full story? What if your teen is autistic—and no one caught it? This happens all the time. Especially with bright kids. Especially with girls. Especially with kids who seem “fine” at school but fall apart at home. Autism in teens doesn’t always look like people expect. They might be social, but always on edge. They might seem easygoing, but they’re secretly exhausted. They might follow the rules, but be filled with anxiety. They’ve learned to mask. To mimic.To survive. But now the mask is slipping. And you’re seeing the cost. That’s where we come in. We help autistic teens figure out what’s really going on. We walk them through a gentle, thoughtful self-discovery process. We're not focused on a diagnosis. We give them a chance to understand their brain, their needs, and their strengths. We help parents finally connect the dots. And we give the whole family a way forward. Visit TeensUnmask.com to learn more. You’ll find screeners, support, and a team that truly gets it. Because the earlier they understand themselves, the more they can thrive on their own terms. Harry Motro Clinical Director, Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center and TeensUnmask | Therapy for Autistic Teens Get Matched with a Therapist Wondering what’s going on beneath the surface? A screener can help you and your teen understand things more clearly—take one from the options below: Teen Autism Screeners: Teens Ages 13-15 Autism Screener Teens Ages 16+ Autism Screener Teen ADHD Screeners: Teens Ages 13-15 ADHD Screener Teens Ages 16+ ADHD Screener 🔦 Spotlight on Malori Evans Malori Evans (Autistic/ADHD) “Your emotions aren’t too much. They’re trying to tell you something.” Malori gets that the world often treats sensitive people like they’re the problem—but that’s not how she sees it. She works with teens who feel everything deeply: the anger, the anxiety, the “why am I crying again?” moments. Her therapy style is warm, curious, and validating—she’s not here to fix you. She’s here to help you understand what’s underneath and feel less alone in the process. If you’ve ever been told you’re “too much,” Malori might be exactly who you need to meet. Learn more about Malori! © 2025 New Path Family of Therapy Centers Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of these statements may be reproduced, redistributed, or used in any form without explicit written permission from the New Path Family of Therapy Centers. Want to learn more about yourself? Explore our sister site, Adult Autism Assessment , and take a deeper dive into your journey of self-discovery. Click the links below to get started! Autism Screeners ADHD Screeners Tests Related to Autism & ADHD General Screeners Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel

Neurodiverse Couples Counseling TIP: Want answers fast? Check out our 📄 Quick Guide on Neurodiverse Couples Counseling for key facts, FAQs , and why you should choose us. THE NEURODIVERSITY MAGNET Initially, an autistic partner and a neurotypical partner feel a strong initial attraction to each other and couple up. The neurotypical may be attracted to the autistic partner's stability, focus and intelligence. The autistic partner may appreciate the neurotypical helping him or her navigate social situations. The neurotypical may be the autistic partner's special interest , at least during the dating period. Typically, the neurotypical soaks up the attention. They may view themselves as complementary, a perfect fit - like a "magnet" has pulled them together. Many couples we see through our California telehealth practice — whether based in Los Angeles, San Jose, San Francisco, Pasadena, or smaller towns across the state — describe this initial stage as feeling like the perfect fit. DIFFERENCES TURN INTO DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERNS Yet, it is easy for these neurological differences to lead to wires getting crossed. Building and maintaining an emotional connection becomes more difficult if a couple discovers that they speak "different languages" and have a disparity in how they think and experience emotions. Without the tools to understand and constructively deal with neurodiversity, these differences are often interpreted negatively which, over time, become cemented into dysfunctional traumatic patterns which: degrade trust in each other and the relationship, cause one or both partners to pursue, withdraw and/or explode, lead to feelings of blame, shame, isolation, hopelessness, sadness, disappointment, confusion, loneliness and abandonment, lead to a diminished sex life, make shared efforts, like parenting, more difficult, and gradually weakens the the "relationship house." THERAPY FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES EMPATHY IS POSSIBLE Therapists who are not experienced with neurodiversity often tell clients married to autistic adults that their partner cannot feel empathy and cannot truly love. This is dangerous feedback because it is simply not true. Although partners with Autism may process feelings differently , the are fully capable of empathy and love. Autistic adults are often shocked to find that their partner’s faith in their love and loyalty could be compromised by a forgotten good-bye or missed eye-contact. Typically, clients with autism feel empathy but often need a structured process to receive the feelings from his partner, connect with her feelings, and learn to reciprocate the feelings back. That is where our team comes in. SUPPORT FOR COUPLE AND EACH PARTNER There are several ways our team of therapists and coaches support neurodiversity: meet with the couple together (see more below), have a separate therapist or coach meet with each partner individually to provide emotional support and skills training for: the neurotypical spouse , and the neurodiverse partner Find Out How We Can Help! SPECIFIC STEPS FOR COUPLES THERAPY WHAT NOT TO DO: There are plenty of traps when trying to heal your neurodiverse relationship so it is very easy to focus on the wrong thing. Here's a short list of things we will not focus on: Convincing the autistc partner who doesn't see the need to change that he/she should. People on the spectrum may have been misunderstood for most of their lives so they have a good reason to be stubborn. Change comes from understanding, not from pressure. Trying to find the right carrot and stick to finally motivate your partner. Getting the diagnosis exactly right. Even with the right label, the problems are still there! See more on this on our diagnosis page . Punishment and manipulation (It just tends to put them deeper into "Defense Mode"). WHAT TO DO: Instead, we work together to eliminate the counter-productive patterns (mostly based on misunderstanding) that have developed during their relationship, accept each other's differences, and follow a clear roadmap to increase closeness: CREATING SAFETY: Learning basic communication strategies as a foundation for communicating during counseling sessions; Creating a safe space where the couple can begin to suspend judgment, see each other's unique qualities and strengths, and reset expectations without resentment. This may include a discussion of meltdowns, aggressive pursuit of a withdrawn partner or any other behaviors that may be experienced as reducing emotional or physical safety. ASSESSING: Identifying and naming the dysfunctional relational patterns that have build up over years and may be rooted in unaddressed neurological differences; Considering other factors (not related to neurological differences) that may be impacting the relationship; Assessing levels of motivation and making a commitment to the couples work; Self-exploration and self-awareness through sharing personal history (including family of origin), successes and wounds; Exploring how you personal story is impacting the relationship; Identifying deeper unmet needs for each partner; Identifying how each partner may be coping to get needs met or to simply survive (angry or critical pursuit, silent withdrawal,,); Understanding and expressing how each partner's neurological make-up impacts needs and coping strategies; Pursuing a diagnosis (COMPLETELY OPTIONAL) or Identifying the aspects of Autism that apply to you; Accepting the diagnosis OR accepting your unique characteristics (for both partners); Ready to Get Started? Click Here! BREAKING THE TRAUMA CYCLE When one or both partners has been traumatized by relationship patterns that are rooted in their neuro-differences, the partners must overcome two distinct challenges: heal the trauma, and understand and build bridges across the neurological differences. The problem is that most approaches to Neurodiverse couples counseling do not adequately address the trauma. As a result, couples get stuck in trauma-fed reactive behaviors that keep then stuck. We have created a diagram that shows the typical trauma cycle for neurodiverse couples and the path to healing. Your therapist or coach will walk you through how to heal the trauma cycle step-by-step. GENERAL HEALING Bridging the double empathy problem; Expanding communication skills. Acknowledging past wounds and charting a path forward. In a pre-diagnosis period, a couples history is often marked by misunderstanding, resentment, anger outbursts and withdrawal. This must get addressed in a healing way. Learning different responses to traumatic reactions / triggers (move from defensiveness to providing comfort); Meeting emotional needs through increased clarity and structure (Love List exercise); Learning to play together; Coping with sensory overload and meltdowns; Shifting from aggression to anger and then to underlying needs; Expanding Theory of Mind for both partners; Managing other possible struggles for both partners (including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder); TOPICAL HEALING Time Management: Enabling time together (for connection) and apart (for self-care); Parenting: Learn how to leverage your neurodiverse strengths to parent your children (whether or not your children are neurodiverse); Special Parenting: Learn how to parent your neurodiverse children ; Sex: Meeting each other's sexual needs through managing different levels of libido, enhancing sexual communication, and addressing sensory issues; Financial: Understanding how each partner feels and thinks about money and building a bridge across the gap. CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!! When a couple understand their differences and accept them, they will finally stop resisting change. This can feel like a tremendous relief. Even though both partners usually think the other one needs to change, you both will start to make changes that you never expected. This is where most neurotypical partners think, "Yes, I can change but my partner won't." Despite your worry that your autistic partner is rigid and focused on himself, most autistic clients that we work with will put in tremendous efforts to change in the context of accepting, neuro-informed therapy and the support from his spouse. Please know that autism is NOT a fixed condition that locks someone into the same behaviors throughout life. It is subject to the same forces of change that occur in anyone’s life. Understanding this provides the ray of hope to break painful entrenched patterns of interaction. The change is usually gradual but, over time, both partners usually experience progress and your relationship can finally become more relaxed and rewarding. Desmond Tutu has been quoted saying : “There is only one way to eat an elephant: one bite at a time.” Everything in life that seems daunting, overwhelming, and even impossible can be accomplished gradually by taking on small manageable steps. In fact, many neurodiverse couples that our team counsels report that they are satisfied with the marriage and choose to remain in the relationship. READY TO GET STARTED? Check out our 📄 Quick Guide on Neurodiverse Couples Counseling for key facts, FAQs , and why you should choose us. Or, if you're ready to get started, fill out our contact form and we will be glad to connect you with one of our team members. Use our Trait Wheels to better understand your strengths and challenges: Autism Trait Wheel ADHD Trait Wheel AuDHD Trait Wheel